Dispatches from a beautiful hotel that I managed to flood and no that’s not a euphemism

I’ll start by saying I slept in both rooms. I had a nap in one bed. And then slept in another. Like some kind of outrageous rich person who just willy nilly expects everyone to clean up after her. And maybe that was my mistake. Maybe that’s why the universe demanded payback. The beautiful rural hotel had a bath so I was in there before my friend could even race from the room muttering about boundaries. I don’t have a bath and it’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life. I’m very easy to please.

The bath was gorgeous. One of those claw ones and lots of gold and tiles that looked rich. Everything looked very expensive. So you see how I had to sleep in both beds right?

And when I woke up in the morning – I’d not had a great sleep. As it always is when you’re not at home – but still better than co-sleeping with a three year old so I will not complain.

Anyway I woke up and turned on my tap to splash my face and then the tap flew into the air and boiling hot water started shooting out everywhere. I started screaming and tried to turn it off. BUT THERE WAS NO TAP. So obviously I couldn’t turn it off. And I tried to stuff towels into the hole where the water was gushing from (not a euphemism also) and that didn’t work and the water just kept coming. So I ran into the hallway which was deserted and yelled SOMEBODY HELP ME but everyone kept sleeping so I banged on my friend’s door down the hall and he didn’t answer so I ran into the street which was somehow EMPTY???? Even though it was 9.30am? Like there was nobody in the hotel (which explains why check out wasn’t considered an issue the day before when I asked about it). So I ran back upstairs in my PJs and saw my friend emerging from his room. I dragged him into the now ankle deep water bathroom and we both stared at it like “What do we do??”

Then this nice older lady came in and just bent down and turned the tap off from underneath and smiled and walked out. Leaving two useless avocado loving millennials standing there like WHO THE FUCK KNEW THERE WERE TAPS UNDER THE SINK.

And there was still nobody around so we went to brunch. After putting down 16 towels at least.

And when I got back I said extremely sheepishly: “I’m so sorry I flooded the bathroom” and the server at the hotel said: ‘It’s OK. I’ll check it out later”. And then when I went to a shop near the scene of the crime the owner said “Are you the writer who flooded the bathroom?” So news gets around fast eh. Yes, yes, that is me.

*

Hamuera Morrison has slept all night, every night, in his own room for seven whole nights. We are at a loss as to what to do with all of these hours. If this is life with sleep it is infinitely easier than life without sleep. I read somewhere a long time ago someone saying “Well my kids sleep but it’s still just as hard” and I was like really? REALLY? But I couldn’t say, because I hadn’t yet parented yet with sleep. But now I have. And I CAN SEE COLOURS! I DON’T FEEL LIKE I AM SLOWING DECAYING FROM THE INSIDE??? Read More

We need to talk about Tully

So, as I said on my Facebook page – I saw Tully the other night and I’ve had a lot of feelings about it. I found it really difficult to watch and as such it’s really difficult to review. Reviews for me are usually fairly easy to do – I don’t think film reviewing is a particularly important thing at all. It’s a fairly pointless thing to do in my view – which is why I like doing it. It’s not important writing and I don’t need to think too hard. It’s a turn off my brain hobby for me – just a bit of fun – other people take my film reviews far more seriously than I ever take them.

And then a movie comes along like Tully and it’s hard to work out what to say about it – I don’t review all of the movies I see, I’m not paid to do this, so I could just ignore it. But I want to talk about it, as much as I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I guess I’ll just jump right in and say – the marketing sucks and they should feel bad. In my view Tully is totally marketed as a feel good movies for new mums. A you’ll totally relate to this film. I mean – I could absolutely relate to that trailer. Who hasn’t dropped a phone on their kid’s head? And it’s clearly suggested that the film is full of these “isn’t this just so us?” comic moments.

Except this movie is not a feel-good movie about real parenting. This movie is a grim and heartbreaking work that is really important. And what frustrates me is that it could have stood on its own merits instead of pulling a bait and switch with vulnerable mothers. The irony of a movie about a vulnerable mother being marketed in such a way that it surprises new parents with horror is just beyond really.

You might think it’s a realistic Bad Moms. But it’s more like The Babadook (an amazing film – that is also very heavy). But The Babadook was not framed as a rom com dramedy as it is in fact a psychological horror film.

So does that mean I hated it? No. I found it devastatingly accurate. Painfully real. Especially as a mum who has suffered from PND and anxiety – and recently *deep breath* a really bad mental health break.

I don’t want to go into details, but earlier this year I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. I can’t describe how much it hurt. I went offline for two weeks, took as much leave from my jobs as I could, and my sister came over from Australia to help care for me. It was agony – not being able to trust yourself with yourself is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I almost lost everything and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

So to go out to a film for a bit of a night off (as many mums seeing it are expecting based on the trailer) and instead have well…what the film actually is was rough as guts.

And this is the shitty part – I have to say “Spoilers ahead” to talk about it. And that kind of sucks. Here is this thing we need to talk about, that has been turned into a spoiler. I’m not sure how I feel about that. We need to talk about Tully – but we’re gagged because to do so “ruins” the movie. That’s not right is it?

I fear for the mums who leave the cinema and sit in their car and feel numb. My bestie and I had tried to go to a comedy show after but instead of laughing we mostly just sat close to each other, hands almost touching, waiting for that sinking feeling to dissipate. The morning after I sobbed in my husband’s arms. In saying that – it’s a good film, whatever that means. It’s raw and real and we need it. It’s visceral (I swear I had boob pangs during it like I almost started fucking lactating again).

And I don’t agree with a lot of the criticism around it.

And if you had an easy ride with parenting – you’ll probably be fine. It’ll probably just be a buzzkill for you. But if you’ve struggled – it’s a lot.

If you’re booked to see it (as I know many mums are): I think it’s an amazing movie and I felt incredibly seen, but I want you to be prepared for how hard it is to watch if you’ve had a rough time with your mental health. Go with a friend, take some time afterward to talk through your feelings. Don’t go alone. x

So I don’t know spoilers ahead …..sigh. If you don’t want it to be “spoiled” STOP HERE.

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The Avengers: Infinity War reviewed

*No spoilers*

So what if you were at the supermarket and you’re a solo mum because if you had a partner you don’t now and the kids are screaming and you’re trying to hold one of them on your hip while also carrying five bags and feeling guilty that you keep forgetting your canvas bag and then Mark Ruffalo comes over and says can I help you and he bends down to grab one of your bags but you bend down at the same time and then you knock heads and he just gently touches your forehead and says are you ok and you’re like I’m fine but you’re dizzy because his eyes are so kind and he says let me help you and he picks up your baby and the baby immediately likes him and he holds hands with your other child who has stopped screaming and then he grabs the bags and walks to your car and he says I’m Mark Ruffalo and he tries to shake your hand but he can’t because it’s full of bags and he blushes and laughs and then you laugh and he says this is crazy but can I make you dinner tonight and you’re like oh well yes but I can’t because my baby has to stay in his routine I can’t take him out and he says I’ll bring you dinner and you just agree and two hours later you’re wondering if you should put make up on and he just appears at your door holding peonies and hiding behind him is a little girl the same age as your son and he says this is my daughter my wife died in a terrible basement flooding accident and his daughter shyly shakes your hand and then he holds up a perfectly made macaroni cheese and you invite him in and you and your kids and Mark Ruffalo and his adorable polite child all eat together on the floor on a mat so the kids don’t smear cheese everywhere and then the kids say can we have a sleepover and you both laugh and say I think they like each other and then he looks at you a shrugs and says sleepover? And you’re like this is crazy I just met you at Pak n Save but then the kids fall asleep on the couch and you say I have some wine and you go out onto the deck and toast the stars with your cleanskin Pinot Gris and he says can I kiss you and you do and then you finish him like cheesecake and then the next morning the kids sleep in until 10am and you wake up to him making them pancakes and singing and he says I have to tell you something I have this flatmate called Steve Rogers and have you heard of polyamory and I think you’d really like him and we only believe in one sided polyamory where it’s just you and us and you’re just like yes thanks that sounds great I am keen as and have no plans tonight please lock it in. What if that happened.

 

Worst movie ever?

PROBABLY.

So, let me start at the beginning: Penthouse Cinema has a “girls night out” each month which involves bubbly and nibbles. And I usually go because they always have nice bubbles and I live nearby. It’s a good excuse to get the girls together and the spot prizes are fun. Penthouse isn’t my favourite cinema (they don’t have popcorn) but it’s still a good cinema (though it never shows good movies like Rampage). In case you’re wondering – My favourite cinema is Empire in Island Bay (good seats + wine + popcorn + plays movies like Rampage) or Reading Courtney Gold Lounge (nice staff + good seats + wine + popcorn + will bring you wine halfway through).

But anyway – so I went to I Feel Pretty and I know you’re probably thinking – But why? Because the premise looks terrible from the trailer. But the thing is – I went because it was the Girls Night Out movie and I wanted to hang with my girl Jean. And it was close by and I’d seen everything else. And also I can put aside my feminism for some movies – I subscribe to the Roxane Gay Bad Feminist model of consuming content – but and it’s a bit but – there’s putting your feminism to the side for  a bit for some guilt-free, not particularly harmful, not denting the patriarchal wall that much consumerism, and then there’s movies like I Feel Pretty.

Whereas dodgy premise movie Blockers is like – based on the trailer “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A BAD PREMISE” – but then when you actually see it, it’s quite sex positive with some good themes. It’s like The Women’s March – Feminism 101 – introduction to slut-shaming and the virginity myth.

Anyway, you don’t have to be a Feminist with a capital F every day. That shit is exhausting. I’d be a husk of a human if I was weighed down by all of the sexism and misogyny rife in mainstream Hollywood films and also why don’t Feminists get to see John Cena’s ass and enjoy it.

But I Feel Pretty is like – THE WORST. It’s like anti-feminism marketed as “girl power” or something but written by men I don’t know. It’s microwaved garbage. It’s like a bucket of vomit poured down your back.

Where to start with how bad it is? I don’t even know. It’s like an onion of fuckery.

Before I go balls deep I will say Amy Schumer is not awful actress. She could actually be described as good. Ok, now that the only positive of the movie is done…

Let’s go:

I mean – we are meant to believe Amy Schumer is a gross disgusting beast – despite the fact that she is conventionally attractive and not fat by any stretch of the imagination. And we are meant to believe that she needs to have a head injury to believe she’s attractive. And for over an hour – an excruciating length of time – we are meant to laugh at her and just generally find her repulsive because of her body and face.

Yes. This Amy Schumer.

We are meant to laugh at her enjoying her body dancing when she’s apparently fat (OMG FAT PPL DANCING SO GROSS!)

Laugh at her when she’s naked (OMG SO FUNNY FAT PEOPLE BEING SEXUAL!)

Laugh at her when she tries to exercise, when she eats, when she suggests she’s beautiful when she’s clearly not (apparently?)

And then – after you’ve spent an hour being encouraged to laugh at this ugly (apparently) fat (apparently) woman – it’s all tied up in a bow when she realises she might be ugly and fat but she has confidence now! She can make all of her dreams come true even though she’s so ugly and fat. 

And I shit you not – it is all about how there is a line for make up for women who are apparently fat and not attractive but they’re TRULY THEMSELVES and that makes them beautiful. Like here fatties and fugos have a discount make up line. GIRL POWER AMIRITE?

The lesson is that everyone is beautiful in their own way. Not actually beautiful. Just you know – beautiful on the inside. Which is important too you know!

Like that’s it. Oh and a tidy – some dude thinks she’s beautiful therefore she is – bow on it. Because the male gaze yeah? It’s the poop cherry on this misogynist cake of sexist bullshit.

Before she was single and now she’s not so she’s beautiful and worthy.

FML – I’ve had surgery less painful than this movie.

They gave Busy Phillips brown hair and a button up shirt and tried to pretend she wasn’t hot. BUSY PHILIPS. This woman:

They gave her brown hair.

Honestly

And it’s not actually funny. It’s heartbreaking. I felt like a disgusting pig after this movie. Amy Schumer is a conventionally attractive not fat woman. I am not conventionally attractive and I am fat. So what’s the takeaway message for me?

Is it weird that I feel comfortable naked?

Is it wrong that I am a sexual being who keeps the lights on when I fuck?

Is it absurd that I don’t hate myself because I’m fat and I’m not a model-like waif?

Does that really mean I’m delusional for loving myself?

I lay in bed last night after that movie and I just felt angry. I don’t need to believe I’m beautiful to feel worthy. No person needs to be with someone to be considered beautiful. Beauty is overrated and you don’t owe anyone being pretty.

I don’t feel ashamed or crap for looking the way I do. But this movie made me feel that way. So fuck this movie. Fuck conventional beauty standards. Fuck this constant messaging about how if you’re not thin you should be working toward being thin. And extremely fuck the idea that you can’t be a sexual person who loves their body if they’re fat.

This fat uggo girl is gonna get naked and get her freak on with the lights on tonight just to fuck with these absolute fucking spanners who think women deserve these shit movies.

Cannot believe they made this movie and not my great movie.

Dispatches from a girl thinking about a helicopter with Dwayne The Rock Johnson inside it

My anxiety is quite out of control right now. I mean I guess it is in control because I’m taking my meds for it like a good crazy person but still – I have not been on an even keel for some time now and I can’t help but think: is this it? Am I always going to be someone who spends a wasteful amount of time consumed by the horror of sex robots?

I worry about the feelings of sex robots. It’s not right. I am as sex positive as they come but can a sex robot give consent and what if it comes to life like that episode of Black Mirror and you have to keep it in the attic. I wouldn’t buy one obviously. I have not the money nor the need for a sex robot. If I somehow won a sex robot I would simply get it to fold my washing.

*

Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s auto reflex is to protect women but in a totally feminist way like he knows you can take care of yourself but he is here if you need it and there’s a gorilla and you don’t know gorilla sign language so you need it.

I saw Rampage and of course I loved it how could I not. I spent large parts of the movie imagining I was a gorilla and Dwayne The Rock Johnson was telling me it’s OK, and I don’t need to be scared, and to calm down. If I had a great deal of money I would create an app and it would be for people with anxiety and it would be Dwayne The Rock Johnson and he would say

Emily, Emily my friend, you don’t need to worry about sex robots I promise you, the technology is not there yet I promise you everything will be OK would I lie to you Emily? I never would. I am Dwayne The Rock Johnson and I only ever want you to be happy.

*

Sometimes I think about whether the people who email me trying to scam me into sending them my bank details are really lonely. What if they don’t want my money? What if they’re just so desperately alone. What if they lost their loved one to a terribly inane accident like they slipped on the garden path in the rain, fell, hit their head, died instantly. What if they were found holding wilted flowers because they reached out and grabbed to try to break their fall. And all that they caught was air and some dahlias. And now the scammer feels like they’ve been punched any time they see a dahlia. Their breath stolen by the scent and they’re back there holding the phone and screaming down the line “Come quickly, they fell! Please!”

*

I saw The Quiet Place. The nail. My god the nail it killed me dead. I would not survive a day in a world full of monsters who hunt by sound. I would give up immediately – yell “over here mate” while shooting tequila. My husband is the type of person you want on your team in an apocalypse. He is prepared. Determined. Don’t have me – I’ve had a good life and I don’t feel the need to try to outrun a zombie. It’s just too stressful. I don’t like running. I like that chocolate sauce that turns hard when you put it on ice cream. I find it difficult to make coffee on no sleep I’m just not capable of breaking into a chemist and finding your diabetes drugs before the monsters smash through the glass window. Quite frankly I think you and I should just agree that we aren’t going to make it and just enjoy the time we have – I am for a sensible approach to the apocalypse.

Strong and silent. The best type.

John Krazinski could get it now with his beard, dad bod, and sad eyes. He’s kind of my perfect man – completely silent.

*

When my sons are angry at each other they scream “You Are NOT My Best Brovver!” And one will inevitably say through tears and wobbling chin “YOU ARE my best brovver FOREVER” and some how they end up hugging and super emotional and the lady next door says “you’re so lucky you have boys, my house is just feelings central all the time”. I have considered giving our home a name – Feelings Central is kind of perfect.

*

Improvements on Rampage:

* If Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s shirt was pulled off by a gorilla in the first scene and every shop in Los Angeles and Chicago was sold out of size XXXXXL fitted white tee shirts so he had to be topless the whole film.

* If it started raining and he couldn’t get inside and he was topless and it was raining.

* If he had to have a warm shower after getting stuck outside and it was all foggy but you could still see his butt cheeks.

* If when he goes home to brood over how he doesn’t like people I come over with some pizza and he’s like I didn’t order pizza and I’m like “did you order some of this” and I show him my beige five and a half year old maternity bra and he’s like confused but super polite because he’s Dwayne The Rock Johnson so he’s like “sure ok Emily this seems like it’s important to you and you’ve put on your best leggings” and then we would cuddle and watch Baywatch together and he would tell me stories about Zac Efron.

“I am confused sexually.” “I can help you with that”

* If that guy with the salt and pepper beard that everyone secretly has the hots for from The Walking Dead walked up behind Dwayne The Rock Johnson and said “you saved my life” and just gently ran his hands from Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s shoulders down to his hands and then lent into him and kissed the nape of his neck. And then Dwayne The Rock Johnson turns around and says “I can’t…I have to save this city…I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson…It’s my job to save cities”. And the guy from the Walking Dead says “who will save you Dwayne The Rock Johnson” and he kisses him lightly on the lips until suddenly Dwayne The Rock Johnson is overcome by passion and he grabs the guy from the Walking Dead and pashes him hard out. And then it starts raining.

* If when the plane crashes all his clothes come off.

* If the crocodile knew sign language too but could only do it in a really strange way by balancing on its tail and standing upright.

* If someone acknowledged that if they’d killed the gorilla before it grew so big then all of this would have been avoided and a discussion was had about our innate tendency to attribute human traits, emotions, and intentions onto animals has put human kind at risk when it is intersected with bad genetic scientific experiments.

*If the gorilla pulled off Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s top.

*

Dwayne The Rock Johnson never does sex scenes. Why? He never even kisses people in his movies. Jumunji was a joke kiss. No kiss or sexy times in Rampage even though clearly you would throw down once you saved a city from a giant wolf, giant crocodile, and giant gorilla. Why does he do this? All I’ve ever wanted in my life is an explicit sex scene with Dwayne The Rock Johnson in it. And I think because he’s going to become the second least qualified US President in history, we won’t ever get it. Another thing we can blame Trump for. And the Ballers sex scene doesn’t count because it’s terrible and Dwayne The Rock Johnson was clearly nervous during filming. That’s not how he would do it.

*

My only notes from the movie were “if I was a helicopter with Dwayne The Rock Johnson in me” and then there’s nothing else. Because my husband called me. And I never got back to it. So I don’t know what it means.

*

I had a dream I killed the man who created Crazy Frog. The judge was a mother and she said “I’ll allow it”.

*

Eddie had a bad dream.
“I dreamed about the woodpecker“
”The woodpecker?”
”It comes in the night. It pecks your eyeballs all out. Then it just sits at you but you don’t know coz you can’t see coz you got no eyeballs”

Reviews of Monster Family, Red Sparrow, Finding Your Feet, Love Simon, Blockers

I saw some movies. Here are my reviews of those movies.

Monster Family

I literally can’t even remember what this movie was about but Eddie liked it because he didn’t insist on leaving before it was finished.

Red Sparrow

I wanted to leave during this but I was with my friend who wanted to keep watching. The whole movie felt like being hugged too long by your uncle. Like it is weird how in 2018 they can just be like hey let’s make a torture porn movie with Jennifer Lawrence in it and just make most of the story an excuse to degrade her and see her naked and bloody and also boobs and then someone was like “Yeah cool cool”. I mean was it made by the Weinstein Company?

I mean there was a very hot sex scene in there but that made it all worse because it’s like rape rape rape rape hot sex rape rape and I mean fucking hell what was the point of it? Why do they keep trying to sell this shit to women as empowerment? It’s not. It’s just some gross dude’s gross fantasy. Stop putting Jennifer Lawrence in shit movies dot com.

Finding your Feet

This was cute but also very long. It’s like an inspo old people movie and I saw it while I had my period so I cried but it was a good cry you know. It’s all very English but you know – better than a poke in the eye with a stick. And I saw it after Red Sparrow so frankly anything would have been good after that steaming pile of fetid butt juice.

Love, Simon

You should go see Love, Simon right now. It’s ADORABLE. For real. Damn it made me realise how much I miss teen romances! I used to love Ten Things I Hate About You – and this is like Ten Things for 2018. It’s basically a perfect teen romance. Just the kind of sweet and gentle content I need for a Friday night. It is also – of course – special because it’s a gay couple and I spent a solid amount of it thinking: Damn I wish I’d had this as a teenager. It would have changed many things for me – I didn’t think romance was possible as queer teen. It was mostly just like “hey let’s practice for boys because we are definitely NOT GAY” and that makes me sad. But also very happy for 2018 teens. Who get this lovely, lovely, perfect movie. Also – parents should see it. Every Mom Jennifer Garner who I know I have insulted deeply by referring to her has white bread is very Every Mom Jennifer Garner in this movie. The dad is very hot and is either Fergie’s ex husband or the dad from Santa Clarita Diet – he is very good at making you cry. Dads should see this film. Mums should see it. Teens should. Everyone should. Because it’s great and I loved it.

Blockers

You see John Cena’s butt at the end. Eight hundred trillion stars.

*

I am really excited about seeing A Quiet Place. Not just because John Krasinski rocks my socks. I am not seeing Peter Rabbit. I’d rather stick a pencil in my ear than see anything with that James Cordon idiot in it.

 

Buttplugs, ice skating, poker and tiny Matt Damon

I saw some movies. Here are my reviews 🤷🏻‍♀️

I, Tonya

Margot Robbie is very good. Allison Janney is very good. I don’t know though – this left me feeling a bit cold and weird and I’ve not been able to put my finger on why. Maybe it’s that the audience laughed when Tonya was called a cunt by her mother. Or that they laughed when her mother repeatedly abused her and disregarded her boundaries. Or that the domestic violence seemed so sudden and glossed over – that the narratives around that violence were threaded so even-handedly. Margot at Tonya would be slapped or thrown against a wall – and then her husband would say “that didn’t happen” to the camera. It felt like the audience was being encouraged to decide her truth. It felt like her life was up for debate and we were all eating popcorn while we considered it.

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I thought I would like a movie about a woman banging a lizard fish man more than I did

I saw lots of movies this month because I was given some vouchers and sent some tickets (thank you!) and so here are my reviews for the month! No spoilers. Unless it’s a spoiler to say that Sally Hawkins bangs a lizard fish man which I think it isn’t.

Hey girl

The Shape of Water

So I finally saw a Guillermo del Toro movie. It was good. Weird as shit. I mean at one point she’s dancing with a lizard fish man and somehow that was stranger than the banging. And when someone just banging a fish lizard man isn’t even the strangest thing in a movie then you know it’s a whack ass movie. I don’t know what was with the eggs. Nobody eats that many eggs. It’s not right. Michael Shannon is in this movie. I thought he was in Scream but he wasn’t. He was in Eight Mile. The only thing I can remember from that movie is Eminem licking his fingers in that revolting sex scene with Brittany Murphy. This is especially disturbing given the fingers on Michael Shannon in The Shape of Water. Also dead animal alert – a cat gets eaten.

Oh it wasn’t Brittany Murphy it was that other woman who was like Brittany Murphy. Do you remember she had that single in the charts? That was a weird time. Oh wait, maybe it was Brittany Murphy.

The Post

I was surprised at how much I loved The Post. I mean I like journalism movies as I am a failed journalist. They remind me of where my life might be if I didn’t have such an appalling work ethic. This is kind of like Wonder Woman but journalism. Like Wonder Woman if Wonder Woman had only like two maybe three women if that and the rest are white men in striped shirts. Actually fine it’s not like Wonder Woman at all. But it did make me feel idk momentarily not gripped with despair over the state of the world.

It’s fascinating and truly gripping. I was actually on the edge of my seat for some of it. Which I wasn’t expecting at all. Tom Hanks aye. Would you bang him? I might. I might with those tight pants and the rolled up sleeves.

Would

Paddington 2

I do love the Paddington movies. Everyone says this is better than the first but I don’t know. I love them both so much. It is delightful. Just like the first. I loved that the first was fairly clearly a message about refugees and kindness and open hearts and I love that the second was kind of a subversive critique of the industrial prison complex. He’s such a cute little bear.

Coco

Everyone shits themselves for Pixar and I get it. Coco is an absolutely stunning movie it really is. But IDK it’s a lot, like a lot, for kids. There is quite a complex storyline – my five year old just gave up half way through. But also it’s a lot of emotion – my son cried and was quite upset. He’s a sensitive sausage but it was a lot. We left immediately after and then I had to parent a lot after it. Like a lot. There were so many questions about how we make sure Aunty and nanna come back from the dead, and then lots of conversations about how they won’t. Because they’re dead. And then questions about why don’t we believe in Day of the Dead and what do we believe (I don’t know you just die – well handled by me). Then what does everyone else believe. And I just couldn’t be fucked talking about world religions you know when it’s this damn hot. But the music was nice.

Frances McDormand is perfection.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

I loved this. It’s my fave movie of 2018. Which is fairly easy since we are only in January. But it’s great. I didn’t think I’d enjoy it given the nature of the film. It’s about a mum whose daughter is raped and murdered. But it moved me so much. Frances McDormand’s performance was just incredible. The movie is actually about strength and resilience of women – how women are worn down by violence, by a society immune to that violence. It’s about how we see each other in the world, the ways we hurt each other. The fury we feel over the pain women so often have to carry. It’s powerful. I loved the ending. It felt true. And real. It’s a powerful and important film. Agonising. And also I don’t know how it’s so blisteringly funny? It’s such a brutal balance. It’s incredible. Definitely a must-see.

All The Money In The World 

So boring. Good lord. How did they make such an interesting story so fucking boring. And Mark Wahlberg is so Mark Wahlberg. Who in their right mind said “you know what this movie needs? Mark Wahlberg”.

Even Mark Wahlberg doesn’t know why Mark Wahlberg keeps getting work

Pitch Perfect 3

Exactly what you would expect from Pitch Perfect 3. Still you do have moments where you say: Wow, it’s 2018 and we really have movies where the only character trait a main character is allowed to have is that she’s fat. Like literally a whole character whose only purpose is to be a landing pad for fat jokes. I hope this is the last Pitch Perfect. In the age of Wonder Woman surely this shit has sailed.

A music festival for kids! (And adults too)

You might remember that in 2016 I took my eldest son Eddie and his bestie to Auckland City Limits. They had the best time and I am so excited that the festival is coming back and is again having a special kids festival as part of it. AND I’M GIVING AWAY TICKETS! (But we will get to that).

Usually festivals are not kid-friendly. And that’s a real shame because who loves music more than kids? And why should kids miss out on art? I love that the organisers of Auckland City Limits have made it not just kid friendly but actually actively welcoming to kids!

Eddie and his bestie

This year Auckland City Limits is on March 3 and Auckland Kiddie Limits their kids festival within the main festival looks awesome.

Children 10 years old and under get in free to to the festival and they are welcome in all corners not just the kids area. Our babes loved it all – there is art, music, the Kiddie Limits area, and a water spray zone. They were both fast asleep on the way home (They were three and four then). Getting to and from the venue at Western Springs was really easy. And they have pass outs for parents so if you’re lucky enough you can take the kids out at 5pm and drop them off and then come back for the rest of the festival.

Activities in Auckland Kiddie Limits 2018 include pirate games, a photo booth, karaoke, face painting, temporary tattoos, and workshops in paper plane making, magic, balloon twisting, and jewellery.

Eddie and his bestie checking out the art at Auckland City Limits

You also have MOTAT right there – we loved having nice toilets and a chill out area and indoor playground to escape to.

Auckland Kiddie Limits opens with the main gates at 11am and will run until 5pm –the festival headliners, who play through to 11pm so if you can drop the kids home with a babysitter you can come back.

Finn, the host of the 95bFM kids show, has once again curated the musical and entertainment lineup. Performers include Christchurch duo Itty Bitty Beats, winners of the 2016 Best Children’s Song and Best Children’s Album, musical comedy pantomime troupe Captain Festus McBoyle’s Travelin’ Variety Show, singer songwriter Chanelle & Friends, magical circus performer Le Cirque De JP, award winning kids folk musician Claudia Robin Gunn and an interactive show from Chris Sam Lam’s Musical Mayhem.

Auckland Kiddie Limits

Eddie loved it last year and I’m looking forward to hopefully going this year. And I’m hoping I can get a babysitter because I’d love to see Grace Jones, Head Like A Hole, and Disasteradio (I know what a mix!) Other festival headliners are Beck, Justice, Future, Phoenix, Peking Duk, Tash Sultana, George Ezra, The Avalanches, The Libertines and more (see here). There’s also comedy and poetry and some really cool art installations. The food was amazing last time. So you’re not slumming it like Big Day Out. It’s a genuinely awesome family day out.

And I have tickets!! So comment below or on my Facebook page (on the link to the post) and you’ll go in the draw for a double pass. Kids under 10 get in free so that’s all you need. I’ll draw the competition on Tuesday 23rd January. Tickets are on sale here. 

What I have learned in 2017

It has been an absolutely enormous year for everyone. For my little whānau – there have been mostly huge ups but a few shitty downs. I am writing this from my bed. We just returned from  Taupō. I have strep throat again. Sleep deprivation ruins your immune system. It sucks. I read an article on how to avoid recurring strep throat last night and it said “Stay away from small children” and I was like yeah OK and it said “if you can’t stay away from children at least stay away from carriers” and just as I read that Ham shoved his little paw into my mouth and his hand was wet. Like I don’t know what was on it. It was about 10pm and I’d only just got him to sleep. He is Patient Zero that kid. I pushed him over toward his father and he rolled straight back to me like a magnet. I pushed him away again and he sat up sleepily, grabbed my arm, and dragged it under his snotty nose then went back to sleep. Disgusting. This is why I am literally a flesh sack of illness 24-7.

Anyway, that’s not what I am here to write about. It’s New Years Eve. It’s the afternoon. I’m in my PJs already. I wanted to share with you a true story to inspire you as you slide into 2018.

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked Dwayne The Rock Johnson about it.
“My greatest love, I know you’ve been like super busy and I promise I am super grateful for Baywatch I mean I feel like that movie was made for me, and I mean Jumanji – LOVE IT honestly LOVE IT and you know I fully realise you are married and have your own family and I’m in New Zealand and you know whatever I know you’re busy but you have always been there for me, so it like super surprised me when I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I just don’t get why, when I needed you the most, you would straight up just leave me.”

He whispered, “Emily, babe, I love you and will never leave you. Never, ever, I was even there when you fell into the hummus trying to get a kebab at 2am after the media awards. I have always been there, for your highs and your lows.
When you saw only one set of footprints –
It was then that I carried you.”

True story. So as you head on into 2018 make sure you thank the people who have carried you. The lesson I have learned in 2017 is that I’ve never been alone. I’ve always had someone with me, guiding me on, encouraging me, pushing me, challenging me, and celebrating me. We all need that. We all deserve it.

Personally, I am grateful beyond measure for you – well, maybe not you specifically if you’re having a good old hate read right now – but  you like the nice you who helped me write my book, you who encouraged me to keep going, you who bought my book and you who sat in the front row at readings because you know how scared I am about public speaking. You who sent me lovely and kind messages when things were really bad, you who celebrated with me when I got invited to my first writers festival, you who shared my posts and tagged in your friends to read it. All of you really so nice people  – you’re so special to me. I feel like the luckiest dickhead in the world. I know I have been shot up the butt with a rainbow. I know it’s absurd. I love you for sharing this ludicrous thing with me. Thank you a million times. I never ever thought I’d have a published book – then to not only have one but to have people actually buy it and read it – it’s just too much for me to wrap my head around. Thank you for making it happen. I’m forever in your debt.

May your 2018 be beautiful – just like you are. May your village here and at home care for you, hold you up, and cheer you on.

Arohanui my friends.