Why y’all need to discover the joy that is just getting your hair did at home

The other week I was just sitting there like what am I going to do with my damn hair. I love going to the salon but I can’t find the time. If I go out during the day I miss work hours and I have to catch up in order to be paid. And then that impacts on kindy pick up and being able to be at home with the kids.

So I just don’t get my hair cut enough. And I have short hair so I need to get it cut often.

And then there are my precious children – Hamigotchi is the worst. THE WORST. At getting his hair cut. We have had barbers refuse to even start doing his hair, others who have stopped half-way through and said no more and others who have just given up and given him a rat-ass shit haircut and then I’ve had to pay $30 for the pleasure.

At one place he screamed that it hurt and I told him it didn’t – and then when I got home I found out the barber had scratched him with the clippers. Which made him even more stressed about having his hair cut.

Eddie too hates getting his haircut because the hairdresser doesn’t understand his requests of “Make me a star” and “Make me look like I’m a beautiful dancer”.

And then we met Emily Natoli. Emily who I want to have a wine with and be best friends with. I get contacted a lot by mobile home hair dresser types and to be honest I am too vain to accept any of the offers of cuts. This is terrible but my belief has often been that cuts at home look terrible and they’re usually by people who can’t get jobs in salons. I know, what an asshole. Usually I say “Can you tell me about where you’ve worked and have you got a portfolio?” and nothing comes from it.

Emily on the other hand is a hair stylist and has mad skills. She has worked regularly at London Fashion Week!! She’s styled for Marie Claire, The Times, ID, Vogue and Hunger. SHE DID Cara Delevingne’s HAIR! And Take That’s hair!! And she’s worked with Topshop, Ports, Primark and M&S. She is a Redken Certified Haircolorist and trained at the prestigious Vidal Sassoon Academy Bond Street (London). So I was down.

The best thing though wasn’t the great haircut she gave me (it was great) – it was how much fun the whole session was. She came at 8.30am and did Eddie’s hair before he went to school – she was super speedy and chatted away with him which he loved. She tolerated out greyhound winding around her legs. Then she cut Hamburg Airport’s scodey hair while he was an absolute terror. And we were cackling. Usually it’s so stressful for me to watch him get a hair cut (and extremely stressful for him). But this time – it was a joy.

Hamwise Gamgee loved her and giggled so much he got the hiccups and started burping directly into her face. Emily and I were both laughing so hard we had tears. He would not sit down and she just followed him around snipping. At one point I was holding him while she snipped. My husband gave it a try for a few minutes. He even draped himself over the dog for a portion. He climbed onto the back of the chair, and sat on her cabinet with wheels. He was an adorable nightmare and she was so patient and just had fun with it.

You can tell Emily loves kids – and that’s all I want from a hairdresser. Someone who doesn’t act like I’m ruining their life because I want them to cut my kid’s hair. She was so kind to Hamlet who ultimately just struggles with sensory stuff and keeping still. It helped so much to be at home where it was quiet and he felt safe. There were NO TEARS – it’s the first time ever he has had a haircut without crying.

And while Eddie had his hair cut I was able to do some business calls and bang out some work which was PERFECT. Like usually I leave the barber after the kids have been seen totally traumatised, sweating like a pig and desperate for a shot of absinthe with a meth chaser. It is so much better doing it at home.

And Emily brings her own basin and all of her gear, plus a floor thing to catch hair. She even brings her own little vacuum.  She even bring magazines!! I can’t recommend the service enough.

Getting a head massage at home (even in my fucking gross bathroom) was super relaxing and Emily and I got on so well. I plonked Le Ham in front of Paw Patrol and I was chill AF. Honestly, getting the whole family sorted at once was awesome.

And I love my cut. LOVE. IT. She takes photos to use as reference points for your own Pinterest page to map your hair styles. So great.

Here are Emily’s prices and you can find out more about her by visiting her website. You can book after you get home from work or before school – She has awesome hours. And you don’t have to deal with fucking parking. Book here.

Thanks for visiting us Emily. We love you! Emily hooked a sister up and did this first session as a freebie which is awesome because my card declined at the supermarket and I am so broke I considered watering down milk the other day.

A definitive review of Skyscraper

No spoilers.

So I read the synopsis of Skyscraper and it began “Dwayne The Rock Johnson”  so I didn’t read any further because I didn’t have to. Because it’s Dwayne The Rock Johnson. I know it’s going to be a masterpiece. He cannot fail. He is built to succeed.

The opening scene of Skyscraper is pretty hardcore and I thought wow, this is going to be tough for me to get off to – but then, I saw Dwayne The Rock Johnson with:

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I will not let you hurt them

I wonder if it was when I was pregnant that my heart started moving. It left the safety of my rib cage and began its journey out of my body and into the world. It rested on my sleeve and I didn’t want it there.

I could feel its travel because as soon as a second beat began in my body I felt my eyes begin to water. My emotions are on the surface always now.

As my heart went to live outside my body I no longer felt protected. I cry easily and often now. My heart hurts from being battered by all the sadness in the world.

I feel bruised and I wonder if this is the constant state of motherhood. We enter into a new world when a little hope begins to grow inside our belly.

I spoke to a woman the other day, pregnant with her first baby, and she said “I’m sorry” as her eyes began to well up. “I cry at everything these days. I’m just so hormonal”.

And I thought – maybe, or maybe we are just conditioned to believe it’s wrong to show how we truly feel. The anger, the hurt, the raw ugly feelings….Why?

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I saw Hereditary

This doesn’t contain spoilers unless it’s a spoiler to say I almost shat my pants.

So. Here is my internal monologue (and some was external let’s be real here) while watching Hereditary – the sick as all Hell horror movie that everyone is talking about:

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A comprehensive review of Deadpool 2

So as you know (maybe) I’ve been sick so I meant to see this a fortnight ago but didn’t because I chose bed. So this is a very late review. But I figure nobody is making choices about what they watch based on my reviews. But if you are, god help you, here is my review for Deadpool 2. No spoilers.

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“What is your real name” and all of your other questions somewhat answered

I get many, many emails. And y’all are not shy about asking me some personal as questions. So I’ve been saving them up for a blog post. Here they are. Enjoy (or don’t – it’s a free world apparently).

Is Ham sleeping now?

He is not. I am the saddest in the world. He slept for three days then stopped for no reason at all and is back to waking a million times a night.

EDIT: I started this post ages ago and just chuck in questions whenever I get them by DM or email. Anyway NOW as of 29th of May – Hammy Davis Jnr IS sleeping mostly all night in his own bed mostly 80% of the time. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen! Almost like sleep is a developmental milestone heeeey!

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Dispatches from a beautiful hotel that I managed to flood and no that’s not a euphemism

I’ll start by saying I slept in both rooms. I had a nap in one bed. And then slept in another. Like some kind of outrageous rich person who just willy nilly expects everyone to clean up after her. And maybe that was my mistake. Maybe that’s why the universe demanded payback. The beautiful rural hotel had a bath so I was in there before my friend could even race from the room muttering about boundaries. I don’t have a bath and it’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life. I’m very easy to please.

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We need to talk about Tully

So, as I said on my Facebook page – I saw Tully the other night and I’ve had a lot of feelings about it. I found it really difficult to watch and as such it’s really difficult to review. Reviews for me are usually fairly easy to do – I don’t think film reviewing is a particularly important thing at all. It’s a fairly pointless thing to do in my view – which is why I like doing it. It’s not important writing and I don’t need to think too hard. It’s a turn off my brain hobby for me – just a bit of fun – other people take my film reviews far more seriously than I ever take them.

And then a movie comes along like Tully and it’s hard to work out what to say about it – I don’t review all of the movies I see, I’m not paid to do this, so I could just ignore it. But I want to talk about it, as much as I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I guess I’ll just jump right in and say – the marketing sucks and they should feel bad. In my view Tully is totally marketed as a feel good movies for new mums. A you’ll totally relate to this film. I mean – I could absolutely relate to that trailer. Who hasn’t dropped a phone on their kid’s head? And it’s clearly suggested that the film is full of these “isn’t this just so us?” comic moments.

Except this movie is not a feel-good movie about real parenting. This movie is a grim and heartbreaking work that is really important. And what frustrates me is that it could have stood on its own merits instead of pulling a bait and switch with vulnerable mothers. The irony of a movie about a vulnerable mother being marketed in such a way that it surprises new parents with horror is just beyond really.

You might think it’s a realistic Bad Moms. But it’s more like The Babadook (an amazing film – that is also very heavy). But The Babadook was not framed as a rom com dramedy as it is in fact a psychological horror film.

So does that mean I hated it? No. I found it devastatingly accurate. Painfully real. Especially as a mum who has suffered from PND and anxiety – and recently *deep breath* a really bad mental health break.

I don’t want to go into details, but earlier this year I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. I can’t describe how much it hurt. I went offline for two weeks, took as much leave from my jobs as I could, and my sister came over from Australia to help care for me. It was agony – not being able to trust yourself with yourself is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I almost lost everything and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

So to go out to a film for a bit of a night off (as many mums seeing it are expecting based on the trailer) and instead have well…what the film actually is was rough as guts.

And this is the shitty part – I have to say “Spoilers ahead” to talk about it. And that kind of sucks. Here is this thing we need to talk about, that has been turned into a spoiler. I’m not sure how I feel about that. We need to talk about Tully – but we’re gagged because to do so “ruins” the movie. That’s not right is it?

I fear for the mums who leave the cinema and sit in their car and feel numb. My bestie and I had tried to go to a comedy show after but instead of laughing we mostly just sat close to each other, hands almost touching, waiting for that sinking feeling to dissipate. The morning after I sobbed in my husband’s arms. In saying that – it’s a good film, whatever that means. It’s raw and real and we need it. It’s visceral (I swear I had boob pangs during it like I almost started fucking lactating again).

And I don’t agree with a lot of the criticism around it.

And if you had an easy ride with parenting – you’ll probably be fine. It’ll probably just be a buzzkill for you. But if you’ve struggled – it’s a lot.

If you’re booked to see it (as I know many mums are): I think it’s an amazing movie and I felt incredibly seen, but I want you to be prepared for how hard it is to watch if you’ve had a rough time with your mental health. Go with a friend, take some time afterward to talk through your feelings. Don’t go alone. x

So I don’t know spoilers ahead …..sigh. If you don’t want it to be “spoiled” STOP HERE.

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The Avengers: Infinity War reviewed

*No spoilers*

So what if you were at the supermarket and you’re a solo mum because if you had a partner you don’t now and the kids are screaming and you’re trying to hold one of them on your hip while also carrying five bags and feeling guilty that you keep forgetting your canvas bag and then Mark Ruffalo comes over and says can I help you and he bends down to grab one of your bags but you bend down at the same time and then you knock heads and he just gently touches your forehead and says are you ok and you’re like I’m fine but you’re dizzy because his eyes are so kind and he says let me help you and he picks up your baby and the baby immediately likes him and he holds hands with your other child who has stopped screaming and then he grabs the bags and walks to your car and he says I’m Mark Ruffalo and he tries to shake your hand but he can’t because it’s full of bags and he blushes and laughs and then you laugh and he says this is crazy but can I make you dinner tonight and you’re like oh well yes but I can’t because my baby has to stay in his routine I can’t take him out and he says I’ll bring you dinner and you just agree and two hours later you’re wondering if you should put make up on and he just appears at your door holding peonies and hiding behind him is a little girl the same age as your son and he says this is my daughter my wife died in a terrible basement flooding accident and his daughter shyly shakes your hand and then he holds up a perfectly made macaroni cheese and you invite him in and you and your kids and Mark Ruffalo and his adorable polite child all eat together on the floor on a mat so the kids don’t smear cheese everywhere and then the kids say can we have a sleepover and you both laugh and say I think they like each other and then he looks at you a shrugs and says sleepover? And you’re like this is crazy I just met you at Pak n Save but then the kids fall asleep on the couch and you say I have some wine and you go out onto the deck and toast the stars with your cleanskin Pinot Gris and he says can I kiss you and you do and then you finish him like cheesecake and then the next morning the kids sleep in until 10am and you wake up to him making them pancakes and singing and he says I have to tell you something I have this flatmate called Steve Rogers and have you heard of polyamory and I think you’d really like him and we only believe in one sided polyamory where it’s just you and us and you’re just like yes thanks that sounds great I am keen as and have no plans tonight please lock it in. What if that happened.

 

Worst movie ever?

PROBABLY.

So, let me start at the beginning: Penthouse Cinema has a “girls night out” each month which involves bubbly and nibbles. And I usually go because they always have nice bubbles and I live nearby. It’s a good excuse to get the girls together and the spot prizes are fun. Penthouse isn’t my favourite cinema (they don’t have popcorn) but it’s still a good cinema (though it never shows good movies like Rampage). In case you’re wondering – My favourite cinema is Empire in Island Bay (good seats + wine + popcorn + plays movies like Rampage) or Reading Courtney Gold Lounge (nice staff + good seats + wine + popcorn + will bring you wine halfway through).

But anyway – so I went to I Feel Pretty and I know you’re probably thinking – But why? Because the premise looks terrible from the trailer. But the thing is – I went because it was the Girls Night Out movie and I wanted to hang with my girl Jean. And it was close by and I’d seen everything else. And also I can put aside my feminism for some movies – I subscribe to the Roxane Gay Bad Feminist model of consuming content – but and it’s a bit but – there’s putting your feminism to the side for  a bit for some guilt-free, not particularly harmful, not denting the patriarchal wall that much consumerism, and then there’s movies like I Feel Pretty.

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