I’m Emily.

I write a newsletter now instead of writing here! You can sign up for my Emily Writes Weekly below. Thanks so much for your support!! You can also listen to my podcast The Mother Yarns here.

And you can buy my books Rants in the Dark and Is it Bedtime Yet?

And you can see the play we developed from Rants in the Dark. It is going to be in Wanaka and Dunedin in April 2021.

And you can see me in various places here.

And if you want to book me that would be real nice and you can email me at emilywritesnz at gmail dot com.

And if you want to buy me a coffee you can do that here. Thank you for your support.

Here are some of my posts people seem to like the most:

How to Get Your Baby To Sleep

I am grateful, now fuck off.

I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines

Why Dwayne The Rock Johnson should be your doula

Inside the secret world of co-sleepers

A guide to buying your first sex toy

How to give birth – the definitive guide

Why are we rejoicing in the punishment of children?

An honest living

My baby slept through the night six times so now I’m an expert on getting your kid to do that

Ward One

The Just Fucking Doing It Tour

Rebecca Keil and I are coming to your city! Tickets are on sale Wednesday 5 May at Midday HERE for all cities except Auckland and Invercargill. Buy Auckland tickets here. Invercargill tickets are here. There are no door sales, once we sell out that’s it!

It’s time to treat yourself! Have a night off with your girls and laugh till you cry with Rebecca Keil and Emily Writes. Both are exhausted mums who planned a tour to get away from their kids and both are a bit wild, and both want you to have the night of your life! 

Rebecca and Emily met years ago and have been mates ever since. This is their first tour together and they want to make the regions laugh and cry and feel amazing. If you’ve ever felt like parenting is the best and worst thing that you ever did? This night is for you. If you secretly suck up LEGO pieces by vacuum and tell your kids the park is closed when it’s raining – then this is the night for you! We’ll answer your questions on all sorts of stuff – parenting, sleep, sex, surrogacy, feminism, activism, Hollywood Hunks and body stuff! 

The night isn’t just for mums. It’s for anyone who loves the kaupapa – We are just fucking doing it!

Come for the solidarity and the shared joy and we’ll donate a portion of ticket sales to a local charity.

All shows begin at 7.30pm, have a 15 minute intermission, and end at 9.30pm.

Whangārei 17 May at The Butter Factory 8 Butter Factory Lane, Whangārei supporting Kind Hands Respite Care SOLD OUT

Tāmaki Makaurau Auckland 18 May at the Tuning Fork 42-80 Mahuhu Crescent, Auckland CBD supporting North West Toy Library SOLD OUT

Kirikiriroa Hamilton 19 May at The Cook 7 Cook Street, Hamilton East, supporting Heart Kids Waikato SOLD OUT

Tauranga 20 May at Our Place 91 Willow Street, Tauranga supporting Kura kai SOLD OUT

New Plymouth 21 May at Novotel New Plymouth supporting Diabetes Youth Taranaki SOLD OUT

Palmerston North 22 May The Royal Hotel Bar  44 Rangitikei Street, Palmerston North supporting Whangai Ora Milk Bank SOLD OUT

Napier 23 May at The Cabana Bar 11 Shakespeare Road, Bluff Hill, Napier supporting Te Tipu Whenua o Pa Harakeke SOLD OUT

Ōtautahi Christchurch 26 May at Welles Street supporting the Brackenridge respite programme SOLD OUT

Blenheim 27 May at the Woodbourne Tavern 80 High Street, Renwick supporting the Malborough Multicultural Centre SOLD OUT

Nelson 28 May at Harvest Kitchen 168 Redwood Road, Appleby supporting Nelson District Parents Centre SOLD OUT

Wairarapa 1 June at The Garrison Cafe and Bar 57 Fox Street, Featherston supporting Wairarapa Winter Jackets SOLD OUT

Pōneke Wellington 2 June at Meow 9 Edward Street, Te Aro supporting Little Shadow SOLD OUT

Timaru 3 June at Sail Bar 51 Sophia Street supporting Timaru Parents Centre SOLD OUT

Ōtepoti Dunedin 4 June at Petridish 8 Stafford Street supporting Mornington Toy Library SOLD OUT

Invercargill 5 June at ITL Stadium 18 Surrey Park Road supporting Makarewa Playcentre SOLD OUT

Wānaka 6 June at Edgewater Wanaka 54 Sargood Drive supporting Wanaka Pre-School SOLD OUT

Kurow 7 June at The Kurow Hotel Pub 55 Bledisloe Street in support of Kurow Women. SOLD OUT

Dunedin 19 June at Petridish 8 Stafford Street

Auckland 20 June at the Tuning Fork 42-80 Mahuhu Crescent, Auckland CBD supporting Talk Peach

Wellington 23 June at Meow 9 Edward Street supporting Diabetes Youth Wellington SOLD OUT

Get your tickets now! No door sales!

Hobbs and Shaw: A review

It’s been a busy week so this is late. I saw Hobbs and Shaw featuring the holy trinity Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Idris Elba, and Jason Statham the day it came out obviously.

God fucking damn

I am of the view that the Fast and the Furious franchise is the eighth wonder of the world. Every new addition is better than the last.

This is the best because of the hot muscled tripod of acting glory that is Johnson, Elba, Statham.

Let me be clear that the film is perfect. These are but minor tweaks. I adored the film as I knew I would. It is exactly what I signed up for and it absolutely met my needs in a big ol’ way.

But some feedback if I could?

When it’s raining and our boys are fighting – I really think it would have worked if they just dropped their weapons and kissed? And then maybe Jason Statham could try to push Dwayne The Rock Johnson into a wall to like pash more, and then Dwayne The Rock Johnson could push him back and pash more. And it could be like this fighting but pashing thing and it could be raining harder you know?

And Idris Elba could be like what is happening but also he could be like wow this is beautiful. And also he could be like wow this is hot as.

And then he could come up and be like I don’t want to fight anymore and then they could find a DOC hut and light a fire and be like this is crazy we all love cars why are we fighting? And then they could crack out some of Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s tequila. And then they could all laugh like look at us! We are sitting here in wet clothes! How silly.

And then they’d like nervously joke as they stripped off like “bro do you work out?” And they’d laugh because they all work out. But the air would become heavy with desire. Their movements would slow. From somewhere music would start playing like idk Portishead like some real sexual awakening stuff you know?

What’s your favourite car Dwayne The Rock Johnson could say as he gently removes an eyelash from Jason Statham’s bald head.

Where’d you get your cool helmet Idris Elba could whisper, his voice catching in his throat, as his eyes linger on Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s enormous calves.

And then they could bang.

Just an idea.

578/10 stars imo.

Extreme Woke Leftie continued

I had such a fun, awesome, just cool as session at the Marlborough Books Fest and we ran out of time after only a few audience questions to ask more audience questions. And I’ve had quite a few messages and emails today so I thought I’d answer them here too!

This where you buy a magic wand. Fun fact Hitachi no longer makes them. They were never designed to be sex toys and Hitachi I dunno I guess felt weird about them not being used for the intended purpose as a massager so they stopped making them. But I believe out of the goodness of their heart they made the patent available and it’s now sold in lots of places and I’ve linked to the Love Honey brand because they’re great. Be aware it’s as loud as a freight train and it plugs into the wall and it’s enormous.

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Tiny reviews

So, here are some tiny reviews for you. I’ve been hermiting. Watching a lot of TV while travelling. Doing things like saying “yeah I might come out after the play” when really I have no intention of going anywhere.

I did go out after the last night of the play with Renee and LJ and we went to a bar full of young people and it was the first time I realised that to young people I am old. This drunk young guy came up to us and said it was great to see mature ladies out at night. So close to retirement and/or imminent death it was inspiring to him. I think it was LJ who made a joke about us using our gold cards to get there and he told us we didn’t need old cards yet.

Renee and I stood at the bar for what felt like 300 hours while they ignored us and served shots to beautiful children – finally we ordered pizza and very respectable cider. Old, old, old. In my day we didn’t have shots in bars, we were respectful of our elders, and we had long meaningful conversations about whether it was true that acid absorbs better if you stick it up your butt. The good old days. Ok let’s go!

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I saw the new Alexander Skarsgard movie not the one where he’s bald the one where he’s so hot I want to REDACTED SO I DON’T GET BANNED FROM FACEBOOK

Long day so I knew I needed to see the new Alexander Skarsgard movie with my girl Gem. Aftermath is a tale of grief, loss, family, war – other stuff.

But really, you spend most of the movie asking: What guy on this PLANET is stupid enough to think he can have ALEXANDER SKARSGARD living in his God DAMN attic and think his wife is not going to fuck Alexander Skarsgard immediately.

Your wife is going to fuck Alexander Skarsgard.

Look at that picture! She is looking at him like she knows she will ride his dick into the sunset.

Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. Look, it could be that you just got married and you came inside just to get changed before the reception – if Alexander Skarsgard is in your attic: I’m sorry, but your wife is going to fuck him.

This is science.

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Dispatches from the rusted garbage washing machine stuck in the stream

When I was growing up we used to ride our bikes around the neighbourhood and get into wholesome mischief like daring each other to climb inside a rusty old washing machine that was dangling precariously on its side in a stream. Or forcing each other to hold onto the metal swing gate and then slamming it as hard as we could to try to cause each other to fall backwards onto the concrete. We would head home only when it was dark and parents started half-heartedly yelling to get your ass inside.

I spend a great deal of my parenting time telling my children they don’t need me to jump on the trampoline with them. I am unsure if my son would be able to make it to the mailbox and back without getting lost at an age where I once followed through on a dare that involved climbing through the window of a house on the corner that we were sure was haunted and stealing a fridge magnet to show that I did indeed step inside the witch house.

I’m not sure what all of this means because I’m hopeful my children will not break and enter at six but ideally I’d be able to work without hearing MUM MUM MUM MUM MAMA MAMA MAMA MUMMY MUMMY MAAAAM MAMA 80,000 times a day.

I made you a pebble pit. Do you know what we called a pebble pit growing up? Nothing. Because we just went outside and played in the garbage stream and we were happy when we found old Penthouse magazines stuffed in the old garbage Washing Machine.

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Dispatches from the house of snot and tears

I had my day planned completely – mostly around an RNZ interview but I have a heap of errands to do. And I need to finally get to the playcentre I was hoping would be my Monday escape. AND I’d even scheduled in coffee with a friend and baby snuggles. All doable with one not snotty child.

Alas both of my children have woken with colds. So no school. And no leaving the house. Well, I will still head out for the RNZ interview – my lovely Rants whanau have stepped in and our awesome producer Bevin will look after my babies as they zone out in front of the TV.

Anyway –  I’ve spent ten days in bed coughing and crying and aching. I won’t complain because I know some of you have not been able to spend nearly enough time in bed. But I will say my pelvic floor has absolutely not been up to the task of holding my pee when I cough. So even though rest is a nice new novelty it hasn’t been as enjoyable as it could have been.

I managed to get out to the movies twice. So here are those reviews. The rest are Netflix, Lightbox, and Neon – finally proving their worth. Let’s go.

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My son sits in the garden and collects snails.
This one is called Doug he says because he’s dug.
He holds a tangi for a dead one.
We are gathered here today to honour Jim.
He does heaps of balancing and climbing and that’s why he is called Jim. Because he does gym.
He had a moth called Climby because he climbs.
His spider is Hank The Wrestling Shark.
Snails, he tells me, are very kind. They help your garden and they’re very scared of people because people can step on them. If a snail’s shell is broken it dies.
It lives in the world with its most delicate part just out there, he tells me.
It would be, he says, like if we had our insides on our outsides.
It’s not just a house, he says, it’s not that strong. It’s like a heart.
How it must feel carrying your vulnerability, knowing its exposed to the world and there’s nothing you can do about it because this is what houses you.
The next day I see a snail and carefully place it on the ledge, out of harms way.
He loves worms.
Sometimes he says, people don’t like worms because maybe they got told worms are yuck.
People think they’re slimy but they shouldn’t know because you should never ever touch them.
He looks at me to make sure I’m listening.
This part is important.
He looks me in the eyes:
Our skin, to a worm, is very hot. They might look strong but they’re not.
If our skin touches a worm’s skin it will hurt the worm. They’re more fragile than they look.
But he doesn’t say fragile, he looks up at the sky and squints and searches his brain and says “Like a word for a bubble if a bubble was skin”.
He uses a piece of cardboard, dulled edges to transport a worm whose name might be wormy but I can’t remember now.
Later, while gardening I accidentally decapitate a worm. Is it decapitation if I don’t know where the head is? Poor worm, hurt simply by any interaction with us, while doing all of this important work for us. As important as bees but with less PR. They don’t even need us but are constantly coming into contact with us. An impossible intersection.
I refuse to watch when he lets spiders crawl onto his hand.
MAMA he says – Just let one on you then you won’t be scared.
He searches me for an explanation as to why I hate spiders.
They bite is not acceptable to him.
“They might bite but only if they’re scared and only because people are so mean to them that they don’t know if that person might just flush them down the drain”.
Can I forgive a bite from the bitten? Can I accept it if its motivation is fear?
He made a box with leaves and branches for a spider to make a web. Caught a spider and talked to it every day.
It’s just playing dead he said.
But it wasn’t. It was dead.
He doesn’t try to keep bugs anymore. Instead he just talks to the garden. Tries to build a bridge, through the impossible intersection. Tries not to harm.
You can learn a lot about how to live from a six year-old.

GABEZ: A review

I’ll admit, I was a tad nervous about seeing a double mime act. I’m not the biggest fan of mine – but the fact that it was a Capital E production made me take the plunge and go.

My friend and I dragged our two and four year-olds to the Harbourside Convention Centre at Macs after dropping our big kids off at school.

The show was kicking off as we snuck in, late as always.

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