A comprehensive review of Justice League

I feel like I have been waiting a million years for this movie. When my children are grown and have children of their own and they sit on my lap and say “Grandma? What was your happiest day?” I will say: “well my dearest grandies, a long, long time ago I saw a gif. And it was the most beautiful gif I had ever seen. It was the happiest day of my life when I found a video where some kind soul put it on a loop on Youtube. I watched it for 26 hours forgoing food and water. I became severely dehydrated. I was very thirsty. You father learned how to make his own breakfast and to prepare a bottle for his brother on his own”.

I was ready for this movie. I was made to see this movie. Which makes what I am going to say next even more painful.

Not even Jason Momoa can save Justice League from being just a smaverage movie. I mean it’s fine. It’s not Suicide Squad. But it’s not Tarzan. It’s just….eh.

I mean you want thirst? The Mountain Between Us. I mean GOT DAMN. I have never wanted to be in a plane crash more in my life. It’s literally THE fantasy – stuck in a cave with Idris Elba, snow everywhere, and he’s all like tenderly treating your wounds. I mean yes, the movie is very unrealistic. Because Kate Winslet is like “We need to try to get out of here” and it’s like, as if you would. I would eat that dog.

I would eat that fucking dog before I would leave a cave that had a heartbroken and lonely Idris Elba in it.

Anyway, where was I? Justice League.

Here are some of my main takeaways AKA things I thought in the movie in between thinking about why they don’t make McFlurries with a machine anymore and instead just put soft-serve into a cup with M&Ms on top. Which isn’t a McFlurry.

• It takes a very long time before you see Jason Momoa.
• There’s just like A LOT of Ben Affleck before you see Jason Momoa. With just enough Wonder Woman to make you tolerate Ben Affleck.
• The scene of him emerging out of the water isn’t actually that long. It’s basically that gif.
• He says some stuff but I couldn’t hear any of it. There were droplets of water just running down his chest.
• He wears a jumper. Inappropriate use of too much clothing. Minus 150 stars.
• Ben Affleck is so annoying.
• He is such a douche.
• Don’t get me wrong I would still bang him but I would feel bad about it and I would only tell my closest friends.
• He would be terrible in bed.
• Like a jackhammer.
• This film is so boring.
• What is the purpose of having a scene with Aquawoman if nothing happens. Is it meant to preview Aquaman because we are going to see Aquaman. You don’t need to convince us.
• I love Wonder Woman. Her skirt seems shorter?
• Not complaining.
• Just saying.
• I could live on a women-only commune with Connie Nielsen.
• Connie Nielsen would not take Ben Affleck’s shit. She would waste him.

• OH MY GOD CONNIE NIELSEN DATED LARS ULRICH.
• Am I wrong about Connie Niesen? What the fuck.
• There is this like enormous shared intake of breathe every time Aquaman gets wet.
• So wet.
• Wonder Woman is just like fine Ben Affleck. Just fine. Whatever. We need to save the world.
• Look. This is the face of every woman everywhere when you have to just sit and listen to a man for the greater harmony of the planet. Even though you know he’s being an absolute spanner.

• The villain is Dave Grohl as the Devil from the Tenacious D Tribute video clip.
• Goat man and his electrical slinkies and three squares I mean I just don’t care. What is this?
• HENRY CAVILL I DID NOT KNOW YOU HAD THAT GOING ON UNDER YOUR SUIT.

• Do I need to see the Superman movies?
• I need to see the Superman movies.
• Wonder Woman is very badass.
• Wonder Woman is doing so much emotional labour for all of these men. Typical that they are literally superheroes but the woman still has to do everything to keep the team together and keep everyone motivated.
• Don’t try to make Batman and Wonder Woman happen.
• Batman loves Superman.
• The payoff of the entire movie is Batman’s true earnest love for Superman.
• I keep waiting for Batman and Superman to pash.
• Why can’t we have a Batman and Superman rom com? He’s a bat! He’s an alien! Can they make it work in their Tiny House in the country?
• Sample dialogue: “There’s a job going at the local oil rig. My friend Jason Momoa says he can get us a job there. Weird, they don’t have enough uniforms we will have to wear only well-fitting jeans and no shirts. Gosh, this is sweaty work. We will need to have an outdoor bath when we get home. Under the stars. Who is that woman in maternity leggings from The Warehouse hiding behind that tree? Never mind. We will let her watch”.
• This is Batman’s face when he sees Superman in his Superman outfit:

• This movie is so long
• This movie is probably two hours too long
• What is going on with Ezra Miller? In real life he is HOT. There is some kind of reverse thirst happening with this movie where he is somehow a 14 year-old boy when in real life he looks like this:

• Jason Momoa isn’t topless through the movie.
• He wears a suit.
• Like everyone else.
• This movie is so long.
• Jason Momoa’s eyes are not sexy in this movie. He looks like a corpse.
• A very sexy corpse.
• He is like a dolphin in the water. Which isn’t hot.
• A sexy dolphin is still a dolphin.
• This is so long and I don’t care about any of the characters.
• There’s a guy who is a robot too. But they don’t explain anything about him.
• His dad made him a robot.
• With a square.
• Look that’s all I know.
• OK fine I had some wine in the sun before going to the movie.
• But still. They don’t explain who he is.
• I think his name is Half Computer Man.
• I might have fallen asleep for a short while.
• I don’t know what’s going on.
• Everyone is impossibly attractive and yet I do not need this tarp at all.
• Superman is wearing clothes again so this is pointless.
• Don’t claim it’s a spoiler that Superman is alive. Of course he is. He’s Superman.
• I used to love Lois and Clark.
• Now Dean Cain is a racist.
• We can never return to a better time.
• Dean Cain will always be racist.
• The Jason Momoa gif will always be better than the Justice League movie.
• Oh well, there’s always Aquaman.