Posted on March 15, 2015
A PSA from a cranky mum
What Feels Like Everyone: “Is he sleeping through the night yet?”
Me (through gritted teeth): “He’s doing great!”
Me (screaming in my head): He’s six weeks old!! What the fuck do you think? He’s a newborn baby! Of course he’s not sleeping through the night. Dick.
WFLE: “My cousin’s baby slept through the night from just a few weeks old!”
Me (trying to restrain myself): “That’s truly something else. Your cousin is lucky!”
My internal scream: Your cousin doesn’t exist. Your cousin is full of shit or you are full of shit. Newborn babies are not expected to sleep through the night.
WFLE: “You should try sleep training. That’s what she did”.
Me: “I’m not worried. He’s doing great.”
Losing my mind: HE WAS JUST BORN. I hope you fall over and do something to your ankle. I hope it’s sore for three days but not that sore that you can’t work because I’m not that mean. I hope you get a really bad paper cut!
I know people are just trying to make conversation, but why are people so utterly obsessed with asking about how new babies are sleeping. I mean fair enough if the kid is one or two but come on! I got asked if my littliest was sleeping two days after he was born. TWO DAYS.
He’s delicious. He smells like rainbows. He’s the best thing I’ve ever done (along with my bigger baby). He smiles this gummy smile when he looks up at me. His hair is so soft. His cheeks are so fat. He is so perfect I want to have ten of him. Who gives a rats ass about whether he sleeps X hours at a time yet? He just got here. Just stare at him for a while. Welcome him! He’s perfect isn’t he?
And to the people who ALWAYS have to point out their sister’s neighbour’s ex-wife’s cousin’s baby slept through the night from 8 hours old. Wow, so awesome. That’s a great thing to tell someone who is probably waking up every three to four hours if they’re VERY LUCKY.
Or if your baby is one of those extremely, incredibly, exceptionally rare babies that slept for very long periods overnight from early on – how grand for you. Congratulations. Keep it to yourself.
Nobody who isn’t sleeping needs to hear that you’re sleeping, or that your friend’s brother’s aunty’s mother is. Nobody.
Also, this fixation other people have on newborns sleeping through the night is why I thought my firstborn would magically sleep through the night from eight weeks old. LIES! LIES!
Newborns aren’t meant to sleep all night. They have to wake up for feeds. It sucks, their mums are freakin exhausted. So don’t tell tales about sleep. Just look at how cute they are. And make mum a coffee. She needs that more than talk about an imaginary baby that slept through from seven minutes old.
*collapses into a heap*