Confused sexual feelings about Ben Affleck

Like probably everyone I’ve been feeling very anxious since the quakes. As soon as I start to feel a tiny bit calm there’s an aftershock. I’m struggling – like a lot of people. I’m worried.

I worry a great deal about passing my anxiety onto my children. The quakes have really grabbed this fear I have and put a big, bloody spotlight on it. I have tried not to ask leading questions like “are you scared?” when I might really mean “I am scared”. I have tried to use distraction – picnics on the floor, tending to a parade of injured sentient objects that my son insists have been hurt in the “earfquapes”. I haven’t said “Did you feel that?” after every aftershock. I’ve tried to hide the tension in my body every time the earth rumbles. I know we are lucky that we have no damage, unlike so many others.

I’ve been thinking so much about those who can’t hide this from their children. It must have been so much more terrifying in Kaikoura. And then to be stuck there with the shaking. And to not be able to go back to your home. It’s a nightmare. I feel so much for the parents trying to calm their scared children as they deal with their own fear and grief over losing so much.

I’m feeling a strong urge to burrow. And burrowing isn’t good for me. And I don’t want to write which also isn’t good for me since this is how I support our family.

So this morning I decided I’d see a movie and try to sell the review. And then I thought – actually, I’m just going to see a movie and just write the review for me. Try to feel good about my writing again and separate it from the anxiety of the last few days. I’ve not been feeling good about my writing lately, in part because I wrote something I really loved but can’t share it with you because it mentions two people and they don’t like it. Their reaction to it really hurt my feelings.

It sent me into a bit of a spiral of asking myself questions I couldn’t answer. When is your story your story? And what can you do when people read into things that aren’t there? And what can you do when people want to hijack your narrative? What is mine when it’s my words? What do I owe others when their truth isn’t my truth?

So anyway, I’m rambling.

I wanted to see The Accountant with an accountant because I thought that would be funny. But sadly my bestie Sarah, who is an accountant, was busy being an accountant and therefore couldn’t see The Accountant with me.

Instead I saw it with my bestie Chris. He suggested the title: I Saw The Accountant With An Asian Who Is Bad At Math.

We went to the 10.45am session. I felt that the fact that I walked there and that I listened to “gym music” while walking meant I deserved a glass of wine. A reward for “working out”. Also, because I feel quite stressed by life right now I figured it was medicinal.

We were the only ones in the cinema. Chris, me, and my Pinot Gris.

Let's get fiscal

Let’s get fiscal

The movie is absurd. Let’s get that out of the way. Also, he doesn’t take his top off. There is a point in the movie where he looks like he will. He takes his jacket off to reveal a tight long-sleeved top and I was like

CHRIS

and then he PUTS ON ANOTHER TIGHT LONG SLEEVED TOP.

I mean fuck. We have had earthquakes OK. Like hundreds of aftershocks. And everybody is stressed out. And Ben Affleck can’t just take off his fucking top what an asshole. How am I meant to work out whether I’d bang him if I can’t see the goods.

Know your place Ben Affleck.

There’s no sex in it. There’s a bit where he seems like he might kiss Anna Kendrick but he doesn’t and it’s like at this point why would you bother having a love interest if you’re not going to bang.

There are some great lines that don’t make up for the lack of banging –

“But he’s an accountant!”

“Surely you can handle an accountant!”

“He’s just an accountant!”

Spoiler alert – he’s not just an accountant.

Technically, banging me is a charitable gift

Technically, banging me is a charitable gift

John Lithgow is in this movie and so is Jeffrey Tambor which is really difficult for me because I struggle to tell them apart. JK Simmons and another guy who looks just like JK Simmons are also in the movie. At this point, with the introduction of so many old white men who are basically indistinguishable, and the fact that at no one point do we see any Affleck flesh, plus no banging – I started to feel personally victimised.

BUT – like, it’s an OK movie. Ben Affleck is very Ben Affleck. He does that very Ben Affleck type face the whole way through the movie (as he does in all of his movies).

It’s fairly easy to follow – you know he’s smart because he writes on glass with a sharpie when he’s trying to work out accounting stuff. JK Simmons spends a significant period of time – possibly up to an hour and half – explaining the plot to you directly.

I can't reconcile dat ass

I can’t reconcile dat ass

There is a twist that you see a mile off – Well, Chris spotted it. I was just like DAMN THAT GUY WITH THE NOSE IS HOT.

Much has been made of the fact that Ben Affleck is meant to be playing a person with autism. I am neurotypical so won’t speak for people with autism. Here is a very good critique of the movie from a person with autism. I think the producers/directors have said it was meant to be some kind of inspirational piece for people with autism and parents of children with autism? It’s quite clear it’s not that. If that’s what they wanted they failed. Portraying a character with autism as having no empathy is a dangerous and awful (and wrong) stereotype. But like I said, I don’t want to speak out of turn given there have been very good critiques from people who know what they’re talking about like the one above online.

Is Ben Affleck hot in this movie? Yes. I have sexually confusing feels about Ben Affleck because for no reason at all he has become more hot the older he gets. He was so not hot and yet….

He has good jaw you know?

Which brings me to my main question:

Would you with Ben Affleck because I think I would.

I’ve discussed this with a lot of people. Many people think Ben Affleck would be bad in bed because he just looks like he would be. But Chris introduced me to the J-LO theory and I think it holds water.

J-LO taught him to bang well. That’s why they were together so long even though they are terribly suited on account of J-LO being J-LO and Ben Affleck being Ben Affleck.

img_0719

Every woman who has fucked Ben Affleck since J-Lo should give J-Lo a thank you card

He may have lost his moves with Jennifer Garner. She is very much a loaf of white bread. I bet they used to have sex to LeAnn Rimes songs. Every Wednesday night.

It’s possible he lost his moves but I feel confident he didn’t. And actually I believe, truly, that Ben Affleck would be good in bed. For a start – He would always be slightly pissed which means he wouldn’t be self concious. And I think he has self esteem issues because all of his movies are terrible and he’s a bad actor. He’s spent a lot of time probably not getting laid because he didn’t deserve it (he seems like he’d be a bad husband – like he’d come home drunk a lot and never do kindy stuff – so I don’t blame Jennifer Garner for not sleeping with him). This, combined with his time with J-LO, makes me think he would be eager to please and energetic.

He also has great arms.

Arms

Want to swap liquid assets?

He also got his wang out in Gone Girl and I believe men who get naked in films do so because they’re good in the sack. See: Alexander Skarsgard.

The Accountant was inconclusive on me forming a solid opinion on whether I would want to do more than just bang him once. I do think the question is still open. I may have to watch the Batman movie even though everyone says it is terrible.

I don’t particularly find Batman the character particularly attractive. I don’t really get the appeal of Batman. I actually thought he was half bat and only just found out he wasn’t a year or two ago. I thought he had been bitten by a bat or something and that made him half bat.

That’s the only way the name makes sense. Why would you give yourself a super hero name of something you’re afraid of?

I don’t get Spider-Man either. The weird shit he shoots out of his wrists gross me out. Does he have holes in his wrists? I hate spiders. I don’t want to fuck a spider. Superman seems like he wouldn’t shut up since he’s a journalist. You’d probably be like “can we just bang? Please it’s 2am you’ve been talking about Trump and Working Class voters for 16 hours I’m exhausted”.

Thor would clearly be the best in bed. Then Hulk. I would never sleep with Iron Man because I have self respect. I would with Captain America but he seems like he’d want to look you in the eyes the whole time.

Basically if I was going to seriously do a top five since we are somehow here – it would be:

Thor

Wonder Woman

Hulk

Captain America

Batman

Back to Ben Affleck. It was only when Ben Affleck beefed up that I found him attractive. Before then he was just Shannon “Back of a Volkswagen” Hamilton.

For a very long time I was just in the eww Ben Affleck camp but yeah, he’s growing on me. He went from Mallrats (bleurgh) to Good Will Hunting (worst) to Pearl Harbour (mild lady boner) Gone Girl (confused lady boner) to Batman (he was the best part of Suicide Squad) to The Accountant (actually we are now in would territory).

We are just one Ben Affleck movie with a Ben Affleck no shirt sex scene from Ben Affleck officially reaching Peak Hotness.

So there you have it. Probably two out of ten because of its portrayal of people with autism. And no shirtless Ben Affleck. And because I felt two aftershocks during the movie and wasn’t aroused at all. But we are getting there.

2016 was terrible but 2017 might bring us the Ben Affleck movie we need in our lives.

2017 Coming in a Theatre Near You

2017 Coming in a Theatre Near You

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  1. Please clarify – which hulk? Green hulk from avengers? Mild Bruce banner? (or Mark Ruffalo playing Bruce banner?)

    Cos you’d have to get Bruce banner for him to hulk out and as much as I’m into a bit of rough and tumble I don’t think I’m thor-getting-thrown-around-by-hulk- “rough and tumble” 😆😂😂

  2. I’ve always had confusion around hotness with both Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They’ve both kind of alternated in their appeal from movie to movie. I don’t think I would with either at the moment despite both having good arms and chests!

  3. Firstly, THANK YOU. This is funny and I was also wondering about the Ben Affleck thing since I rewatched Good Will Hunting the other day (not bangable) and saw the Accountant trailer with the arms and was like, when did that happen. And now I know. Anyway I needed funniness as it’s been a tough few days on planet no sleep.
    Secondly, as a sometime blogger I get what you mean about your narrative bing yours and when isn’t it. I struggled with that as I have a friend ( or a very good one) who doesn’t have kids and who I meet up with occasionally with mine and who says deeply offensive and annoying things about mothers. She legitimately scolds my daughter and I’m like, don’t fucking do that. My mum friends who know her don’t do that. Anyway, I wrote about her a couple of times, but sort of indirectly, as I think “oh this may hurt her feelings and she’s been my friend for a long time”. And thing is it’s hard to write about other things when *this* is the thing that you know other mum’s would like to see and discuss. And that you almost need to write it because otherwise you’ll get blocked.
    So I don’t know what the answer is and I’ve totally hijacked your comments page and I’m so tired so I’m probably punctuating terribly and my grammar is probably offensive.
    But now I want to read the thing you wrote. Because I think you’re a great writer and the things you write really have helped me. But that’s my selfish view and I do understand why you feel you can’t publish it.

  4. Dear God, he DOES have good arms!! What the hell, Ben – where have you been hiding the gun show? He certainly has got better with age. Not sure about how good he’d be in bed though. I think he might be a bit whiny. Also, the one facial expression would be offputting.

    PS. I so LOVE your writing! And your interview with Kim Hill wonderful 🙂

    PPS. That is an awesome Top 5 list.

  5. You appear to be back on your game girl!!! I laughed through this whole blog! You might just need to go see Tarzan again to help get you completely back on target and give you the proper view on sexiness…remember the V! I lived in California almost my entire life and earthquakes were a regular thing where I was….you learned to ignore them after a while and kind of decide whether it was worth moving somewhere safe or not when one started. Not sure you’ll ever reach that level of Earthquake complacency but you will get through it! More wine, perhaps some chocolate and ……you know…..Tarzan……but wait…Wonder Woman!!!???

  6. Oh I needed this so much. Thank you.

    Oh! Remember “Chasing Amy” Ben Affleck? And “Dazed and Confused” Ben Affleck?

  7. best column I’ve ever read. I shared it and there are so many grateful people out there. You are a genius.

  8. I would most definitely Ben Affleck. And I wholeheartedly agree with the J.Lo theory – perhaps she should do tutorials?