Rediscovering hornbag movies from 2003

So, the other day I read some article about In The Cut and how Meg Ryan had lost her career after being in that film because we live in a misogynist horror show of which we can never escape.

Anyway – I thought to myself – I am sure I’ve seen that film. And then I read that it had The Ruff AKA Mark “Daddy” Ruffalo in it. And I thought – YES I remember this! It came out in 2003 and I remember, because I was an idiot, that I did not find Mark Ruffalo attractive and I thought he was hairy and I did not appreciate his moustache.

Now I am 33 and it’s 2019 and I’m the rosé drinking cliché wine mum watching dirty Netflix films on her phone while her kid snores beside her and her husband sleeps awkwardly in a bunk bed in the other room. And I am all about his hairy chest and commitment to eating out (both kinds) and I love that soft boi dad body.

So I decided I had to revisit In The Cut and let me tell you ladies who like dudes and the occasional gay guy who reads my posts: It was WORTH IT.

To be clear it’s not like a particularly great movie in that it has random gore and violence (it sticks closely to its’ source material – the VERY good book by Susanna Moore of the same name) which I do not like. And it has cops in it – usually not sexy for me. BUT its shortcomings are more than made up for in that very soon into the film Mark Ruffalo utters the line:

Hey, listen…I can be whatever you want me to be. You want me to romance you, take you to a classy restaurant, no problem. You want me to be your best friend and fuck you? Treat you good, lick your pussy? No problem.

NOW EXCUSE ME. FIRST OF ALL. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

• 

 Mark Ruffalo with a filthy moustache telling me this is exactly what I needed on a Sunday night after my kid pissed the bed again and I had to change the sheets again before 10pm.

And then, AND THEN, they have an extended scene where he does basically as promised to Meg Ryan and thank you Jane Campion for a solid three minutes or so of Mark Ruffalo going to town and an unashamedly lady gaze view of his butt and then a surprise CASUAL PEEN.

Casual peen is my fave of all movie peen. And in In The Cut Mark Ruffalo is all hair and just laying there post-coitally (is that a word?) and he has just casual at rest peen there slightly hiding in the darkness and I am HERE FOR IT. Sometimes film makers want to make a big deal of peen but they don’t make a big deal of tits so why? Why can’t we have casual peen in all movies?

So I was extremely content with this but then there was MORE. You have to get through some needlessly bloody scenes (there’s a sub-plot about a serial killer – not important – but you don’t see any violence just the aftermath).

And then there’s SLIGHT NIPPLE TOUCHING and I just thought this is Jane Campion right? This is a director who is a woman making a film that is actually hot for women. No wonder people hated it. And then Mark Ruffalo says he wants to watch Meg Ryan and she says – do you like to watch. And he says:

Yeah, I like it in the cut.

I don’t know why but this one line got me like nobody’s business. It was SO HOT. And I thought – gosh, I just really need to go back to those films with just slick, sexy lines like that and so now I’m returning to all the films that I didn’t like before but now I’m an old lady who is cockblocked constantly by my god damn children will almost definitely be into.

Maybe 2002-2003 was like a glorious time in cinema because Secretary also came out then. Another film that I hated when it came out but now love.

So now I’m on a trip down memory lane buzz but I just had to tell you about my good fortune with In The Cut. Please recommend other porny Netflix films for me.

Next on the viewing list – I will report back!

The Piano – Look if someone had told me this film was about sex in exchange for Piano lessons instead of what I thought it was about – Piano lessons – I’d have watched it when it came out in 1993

Gia – Angelina Jolie + lesbian love affair 1998

The Hunger – Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon vampire sex 1983

Little Children – Stay at home dad sex + Kate Winslet 2006

Original Sin – I remember this one sort of for the full on sex scenes and feeling extremely bisexual about both Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderes and I remember it being a garbage film around the sex scenes which is fine because that’s not our criteria here. 2001

Nine and 1/2 Weeks – Apparently very horny and young Micky Rourke could absolutely get it 1986

An Officer and a Gentleman – Richard Gere say no more 1982

White Palace – Another James Spader one + Forever Hottie Susan Sarandon. 1990

Wild Things – Neve Campbell forever. 1998