Posted on November 18, 2015
How to get your baby out of a swaddle
Hi! Is your baby incapable of going to sleep and staying asleep unless they’re swaddled! Well, you’ve come to the right place!
I’m here to teach you how to get your baby out of a swaddle in one hundred easy steps!
Step 1: Loudly say to your significant other “I think it’s time for the baby to sleep without the swaddle”.
Step 2: Remove swaddle.
Step 3. Spend an hour and a half trying to hold down Baby’s flailing arms as you try unsuccessfully to rock them to sleep.
Step 4. Sing them a lullaby.
Step 5. Slowly become aware that you’re singing very loudly and aggressively as you lose your will to live.
Step 6. Change the lyrics to fit your current predicament: “Rock a bye baby on the tree tops, you need to stop wearing this fucking swaddle ok you are too big for a swaddle this isn’t working”
Step 7. Give up.
Step 8. Use swaddle for three nights.
Step 9. Forget pain of trying to get Baby to sleep without swaddle and again declare that it is Time to get Baby out of the swaddle.
Step 10. Remove swaddle.
Step 11. Question how it is even remotely possible that Baby was comatose and yet is now wide awake and screaming when you lay them in their cot just because they’re not swaddled.
Step 12. Try to pat and shush Baby to sleep. Get partner to take over. Hear Baby screaming on monitor as partner tries to get baby to sleep. Turn off monitor.
Step 13. Partner says they got Baby to sleep.
Step 14. Check on Baby and find them swaddled.
Step 15. Pour wine.
Step 16. Great drunk off one glass of wine.
Step 17. Look at old photos from when you were thin and had money and didn’t have children.
Step 18. Cry.
Step 19. Wake up with hangover and decide Baby can be swaddled until whenever, I mean who gives a fuck right?
Step 20. Two days later, read an article about respectful parenting and decide Baby will decide when Baby wants to sleep without a swaddle.
Step 21. Congratulate yourself by eating a kitkat. You’re a great parent!
Step 22. At 10.30pm just as you finish your kitkat, swear under your breath as you hear Baby screaming on the monitor as Baby rolls over and wakes himself up. Resolve that you will get rid of the swaddle for once and for all tomorrow.
Step 23. Baby goes to sleep! You’ve done it!
Step 24. That wasn’t too hard. Reward yourself by pouring a glass of wine.
Step 25. Baby woke because you were smug. Too bad. No wine for you.
Step 26. Fall asleep holding Baby in swaddle.
Step 27. Put Baby to sleep in swaddle.
Step 28. Eat two litres of ice cream directly from the container.
Step 29. Imagine your child’s future life partner having to swaddle them before they go to sleep.
Step 30. Google “adult swaddles”.
Step 31. Look up on the WINZ website to see whether your child can get a home based carer to handle their swaddling needs when they’re an adult.
Step 32. Do nothing for two weeks.
Step 33. Tell your partner the baby needs to sleep without a swaddle.
Step 34. When partner says to just leave them in the swaddle, consider divorcing them.
Step 35. You would have weekends to yourself if you were divorced. You’d miss your partner sure, but it would solve the swaddling situation for at least a week at a time.
Step 36. Eat cold baked beans out of the can.
Step 37. Look at yourself, you’re a disgrace! Put down those beans! You can do this! You can get the baby out of the swaddle!
Step 38. New resolve to get Baby out of swaddle. Rock Baby to sleep for 55 minutes.
Step 39. Tell partner he has to get Baby to sleep without the swaddle or you’re going to jump off the balcony.
Step 40. Yell YOU CALM DOWN to your partner.
Step 41. Write pros and cons list of swaddle.
Step 42. Pray.
Step 43. Agree to address the swaddle issue when you get more sleep even though the swaddle is waking your Baby up at night preventing you from getting more sleep.
Step 44. Swear at your Baby.
Step 45. Feel guilty for six days for swearing at your sleeping Baby who just loves their swaddle. You’re a monster.
Step 46. Look for advice online.
Step 47. Get drunk and furiously yell at your computer screen while reading Mamamia post: “If you really loved your child you would never have swaddled them in the first place you stupid cow who doesn’t deserve children“.
Step 48. Read the comments.
Step 49. Lose your will to live.
Step 50. Eat your weight in cookie dough.
Step 51. Give up.
Step 52. Do nothing for one month.
Step 53. Order eight different swaddles online that claim to be “in between swaddles”.
Step 54. Use none of them.
Step 55. Write a blog post about how nothing works.
Step 56. Try to get Baby to sleep without swaddle.
Step 57. Give up after 15 minutes.
Step 58. Google: “Charlie Hunnam naked butt shots”
Step 59. Do nothing for one week.
Step 60. Look up “swaddle” in Facebook mum group.
Step 61. See first post and immediately identify with the mum. Consider DMing her. Wonder if that’s creepy.
Step 62. Decide it’s creepy.
Step 63. Read first comment “I just stopped using a swaddle. Have you tried just not using a swaddle?” Consider throwing computer into the sun.
Step 64. Read second comment “My baby never needed a swaddle but that’s because she’s quite advanced”.
Step 65. Vomit.
Step 66. Read third comment “I would never use a swaddle. To each their own and I’d never judge a mum’s choice but I actually love my child so I wouldn’t expose them to the chemicals in a swaddle. One love mamas!”
Step 67. Explode computer with force of rage.
Step 68. Decide Baby can just stay in swaddle.
Step 69. On 27th wake up of the night, decide Baby cannot just stay in swaddle.
Step 70. Get Baby to sleep without swaddle.
Step 71. “You’re a genius! Well do-”
Step 72. Baby is awake after 28 seconds.
Step 73. Decide you will try again tomorrow since it’s already 11pm.
Step 74. Print off inspirational pictures to motivate you to stay the course.
Step 75. Drunkenly call your friend “I’m the adult right? Don’t I get to decide!”
Step 76. After 45 minutes realise you didn’t call your friend, you’ve just left a hysterical 45 minute message on your old employer’s voicemail.
Step 77. Wonder if your Baby will ever sleep through the night. Watch two episodes of Fireman Sam before you realise it’s not The Walking Dead.
Step 78. Do nothing for three months.
Step 79. Loudly proclaim it’s definitely time this time to get Baby out of a swaddle.
Step 80. Finally get Baby to sleep without a swaddle after three hours.
Step 81. Get Baby back to sleep when they wake up 45 minutes later.
Step 82. Get Baby back to sleep when they wake up 45 minutes later.
Step 83. Get Baby back to sleep when they wake up 45 minutes later.
Step 84. Get Baby back to sleep when they wake up 45 minutes later.
Step 85. Get Baby back to sleep when they wake up 45 minutes later.
Step 86. Put swaddle back on.
Step 87. Mention swaddle to parent at coffee group. Get lecture about consistency.
Step 88. Lie and say you’re consistent. Imagine her being hit by a bus. Attempt to feel bad about killing her with a bus in your head. Too hard, go back to bus fantasy.
Step 89. Do nothing until it takes both you and your husband together to pull the zip up on the swaddle because your baby is almost one year old and is still being swaddled.
Step 90. Google “How to get baby out of a swaddle”. Agree consistency is key.
Step 91. For three days keep putting unswaddled baby back to sleep every 45 minutes.
Step 92. Fuck consistency. Put that jerk baby into a swaddle and go have a wine.
Step 93. Use duct tape to keep swaddle on.
Step 94. Tell coffee group mum you got Baby out of swaddle with “consistency”.
Step 95. Drink heavily.
Step 96. Never sleep again.
Step 97. Survive on cold coffee and the food your toddler doesn’t eat.
Step 98. Baby breaks out of bottom of swaddle as their legs are too long.
Step 99. Make giant baby swaddle.
Step 100. Begin again at 1.