A comprehensive review of Deadpool 2

So as you know (maybe) I’ve been sick so I meant to see this a fortnight ago but didn’t because I chose bed. So this is a very late review. But I figure nobody is making choices about what they watch based on my reviews. But if you are, god help you, here is my review for Deadpool 2. No spoilers.

Read More

“What is your real name” and all of your other questions somewhat answered

I get many, many emails. And y’all are not shy about asking me some personal as questions. So I’ve been saving them up for a blog post. Here they are. Enjoy (or don’t – it’s a free world apparently).

Is Ham sleeping now?

He is not. I am the saddest in the world. He slept for three days then stopped for no reason at all and is back to waking a million times a night.

EDIT: I started this post ages ago and just chuck in questions whenever I get them by DM or email. Anyway NOW as of 29th of May – Hammy Davis Jnr IS sleeping mostly all night in his own bed mostly 80% of the time. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen! Almost like sleep is a developmental milestone heeeey!

Read More

Dispatches from a beautiful hotel that I managed to flood and no that’s not a euphemism

I’ll start by saying I slept in both rooms. I had a nap in one bed. And then slept in another. Like some kind of outrageous rich person who just willy nilly expects everyone to clean up after her. And maybe that was my mistake. Maybe that’s why the universe demanded payback. The beautiful rural hotel had a bath so I was in there before my friend could even race from the room muttering about boundaries. I don’t have a bath and it’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life. I’m very easy to please.

Read More

We need to talk about Tully

So, as I said on my Facebook page – I saw Tully the other night and I’ve had a lot of feelings about it. I found it really difficult to watch and as such it’s really difficult to review. Reviews for me are usually fairly easy to do – I don’t think film reviewing is a particularly important thing at all. It’s a fairly pointless thing to do in my view – which is why I like doing it. It’s not important writing and I don’t need to think too hard. It’s a turn off my brain hobby for me – just a bit of fun – other people take my film reviews far more seriously than I ever take them.

And then a movie comes along like Tully and it’s hard to work out what to say about it – I don’t review all of the movies I see, I’m not paid to do this, so I could just ignore it. But I want to talk about it, as much as I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I guess I’ll just jump right in and say – the marketing sucks and they should feel bad. In my view Tully is totally marketed as a feel good movies for new mums. A you’ll totally relate to this film. I mean – I could absolutely relate to that trailer. Who hasn’t dropped a phone on their kid’s head? And it’s clearly suggested that the film is full of these “isn’t this just so us?” comic moments.

Except this movie is not a feel-good movie about real parenting. This movie is a grim and heartbreaking work that is really important. And what frustrates me is that it could have stood on its own merits instead of pulling a bait and switch with vulnerable mothers. The irony of a movie about a vulnerable mother being marketed in such a way that it surprises new parents with horror is just beyond really.

You might think it’s a realistic Bad Moms. But it’s more like The Babadook (an amazing film – that is also very heavy). But The Babadook was not framed as a rom com dramedy as it is in fact a psychological horror film.

So does that mean I hated it? No. I found it devastatingly accurate. Painfully real. Especially as a mum who has suffered from PND and anxiety – and recently *deep breath* a really bad mental health break.

I don’t want to go into details, but earlier this year I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. I can’t describe how much it hurt. I went offline for two weeks, took as much leave from my jobs as I could, and my sister came over from Australia to help care for me. It was agony – not being able to trust yourself with yourself is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I almost lost everything and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

So to go out to a film for a bit of a night off (as many mums seeing it are expecting based on the trailer) and instead have well…what the film actually is was rough as guts.

And this is the shitty part – I have to say “Spoilers ahead” to talk about it. And that kind of sucks. Here is this thing we need to talk about, that has been turned into a spoiler. I’m not sure how I feel about that. We need to talk about Tully – but we’re gagged because to do so “ruins” the movie. That’s not right is it?

I fear for the mums who leave the cinema and sit in their car and feel numb. My bestie and I had tried to go to a comedy show after but instead of laughing we mostly just sat close to each other, hands almost touching, waiting for that sinking feeling to dissipate. The morning after I sobbed in my husband’s arms. In saying that – it’s a good film, whatever that means. It’s raw and real and we need it. It’s visceral (I swear I had boob pangs during it like I almost started fucking lactating again).

And I don’t agree with a lot of the criticism around it.

And if you had an easy ride with parenting – you’ll probably be fine. It’ll probably just be a buzzkill for you. But if you’ve struggled – it’s a lot.

If you’re booked to see it (as I know many mums are): I think it’s an amazing movie and I felt incredibly seen, but I want you to be prepared for how hard it is to watch if you’ve had a rough time with your mental health. Go with a friend, take some time afterward to talk through your feelings. Don’t go alone. x

So I don’t know spoilers ahead …..sigh. If you don’t want it to be “spoiled” STOP HERE.

Read More

The Avengers: Infinity War reviewed

*No spoilers*

So what if you were at the supermarket and you’re a solo mum because if you had a partner you don’t now and the kids are screaming and you’re trying to hold one of them on your hip while also carrying five bags and feeling guilty that you keep forgetting your canvas bag and then Mark Ruffalo comes over and says can I help you and he bends down to grab one of your bags but you bend down at the same time and then you knock heads and he just gently touches your forehead and says are you ok and you’re like I’m fine but you’re dizzy because his eyes are so kind and he says let me help you and he picks up your baby and the baby immediately likes him and he holds hands with your other child who has stopped screaming and then he grabs the bags and walks to your car and he says I’m Mark Ruffalo and he tries to shake your hand but he can’t because it’s full of bags and he blushes and laughs and then you laugh and he says this is crazy but can I make you dinner tonight and you’re like oh well yes but I can’t because my baby has to stay in his routine I can’t take him out and he says I’ll bring you dinner and you just agree and two hours later you’re wondering if you should put make up on and he just appears at your door holding peonies and hiding behind him is a little girl the same age as your son and he says this is my daughter my wife died in a terrible basement flooding accident and his daughter shyly shakes your hand and then he holds up a perfectly made macaroni cheese and you invite him in and you and your kids and Mark Ruffalo and his adorable polite child all eat together on the floor on a mat so the kids don’t smear cheese everywhere and then the kids say can we have a sleepover and you both laugh and say I think they like each other and then he looks at you a shrugs and says sleepover? And you’re like this is crazy I just met you at Pak n Save but then the kids fall asleep on the couch and you say I have some wine and you go out onto the deck and toast the stars with your cleanskin Pinot Gris and he says can I kiss you and you do and then you finish him like cheesecake and then the next morning the kids sleep in until 10am and you wake up to him making them pancakes and singing and he says I have to tell you something I have this flatmate called Steve Rogers and have you heard of polyamory and I think you’d really like him and we only believe in one sided polyamory where it’s just you and us and you’re just like yes thanks that sounds great I am keen as and have no plans tonight please lock it in. What if that happened.

 

Worst movie ever?

PROBABLY.

So, let me start at the beginning: Penthouse Cinema has a “girls night out” each month which involves bubbly and nibbles. And I usually go because they always have nice bubbles and I live nearby. It’s a good excuse to get the girls together and the spot prizes are fun. Penthouse isn’t my favourite cinema (they don’t have popcorn) but it’s still a good cinema (though it never shows good movies like Rampage). In case you’re wondering – My favourite cinema is Empire in Island Bay (good seats + wine + popcorn + plays movies like Rampage) or Reading Courtney Gold Lounge (nice staff + good seats + wine + popcorn + will bring you wine halfway through).

But anyway – so I went to I Feel Pretty and I know you’re probably thinking – But why? Because the premise looks terrible from the trailer. But the thing is – I went because it was the Girls Night Out movie and I wanted to hang with my girl Jean. And it was close by and I’d seen everything else. And also I can put aside my feminism for some movies – I subscribe to the Roxane Gay Bad Feminist model of consuming content – but and it’s a bit but – there’s putting your feminism to the side for  a bit for some guilt-free, not particularly harmful, not denting the patriarchal wall that much consumerism, and then there’s movies like I Feel Pretty.

Read More

Dispatches from a girl thinking about a helicopter with Dwayne The Rock Johnson inside it

My anxiety is quite out of control right now. I mean I guess it is in control because I’m taking my meds for it like a good crazy person but still – I have not been on an even keel for some time now and I can’t help but think: is this it? Am I always going to be someone who spends a wasteful amount of time consumed by the horror of sex robots?

I worry about the feelings of sex robots. It’s not right. I am as sex positive as they come but can a sex robot give consent and what if it comes to life like that episode of Black Mirror and you have to keep it in the attic. I wouldn’t buy one obviously. I have not the money nor the need for a sex robot. If I somehow won a sex robot I would simply get it to fold my washing.

Read More

Reviews of Monster Family, Red Sparrow, Finding Your Feet, Love Simon, Blockers

I saw some movies. Here are my reviews of those movies.

Monster Family

I literally can’t even remember what this movie was about but Eddie liked it because he didn’t insist on leaving before it was finished.

Red Sparrow

I wanted to leave during this but I was with my friend who wanted to keep watching. The whole movie felt like being hugged too long by your uncle. Like it is weird how in 2018 they can just be like hey let’s make a torture porn movie with Jennifer Lawrence in it and just make most of the story an excuse to degrade her and see her naked and bloody and also boobs and then someone was like “Yeah cool cool”. I mean was it made by the Weinstein Company?

I mean there was a very hot sex scene in there but that made it all worse because it’s like rape rape rape rape hot sex rape rape and I mean fucking hell what was the point of it? Why do they keep trying to sell this shit to women as empowerment? It’s not. It’s just some gross dude’s gross fantasy. Stop putting Jennifer Lawrence in shit movies dot com.

Finding your Feet

This was cute but also very long. It’s like an inspo old people movie and I saw it while I had my period so I cried but it was a good cry you know. It’s all very English but you know – better than a poke in the eye with a stick. And I saw it after Red Sparrow so frankly anything would have been good after that steaming pile of fetid butt juice.

Love, Simon

You should go see Love, Simon right now. It’s ADORABLE. For real. Damn it made me realise how much I miss teen romances! I used to love Ten Things I Hate About You – and this is like Ten Things for 2018. It’s basically a perfect teen romance. Just the kind of sweet and gentle content I need for a Friday night. It is also – of course – special because it’s a gay couple and I spent a solid amount of it thinking: Damn I wish I’d had this as a teenager. It would have changed many things for me – I didn’t think romance was possible as queer teen. It was mostly just like “hey let’s practice for boys because we are definitely NOT GAY” and that makes me sad. But also very happy for 2018 teens. Who get this lovely, lovely, perfect movie. Also – parents should see it. Every Mom Jennifer Garner who I know I have insulted deeply by referring to her has white bread is very Every Mom Jennifer Garner in this movie. The dad is very hot and is either Fergie’s ex husband or the dad from Santa Clarita Diet – he is very good at making you cry. Dads should see this film. Mums should see it. Teens should. Everyone should. Because it’s great and I loved it.

Blockers

You see John Cena’s butt at the end. Eight hundred trillion stars.

*

I am really excited about seeing A Quiet Place. Not just because John Krasinski rocks my socks. I am not seeing Peter Rabbit. I’d rather stick a pencil in my ear than see anything with that James Cordon idiot in it.

 

Buttplugs, ice skating, poker and tiny Matt Damon

I saw some movies. Here are my reviews 🤷🏻‍♀️

I, Tonya

Margot Robbie is very good. Allison Janney is very good. I don’t know though – this left me feeling a bit cold and weird and I’ve not been able to put my finger on why. Maybe it’s that the audience laughed when Tonya was called a cunt by her mother. Or that they laughed when her mother repeatedly abused her and disregarded her boundaries. Or that the domestic violence seemed so sudden and glossed over – that the narratives around that violence were threaded so even-handedly. Margot at Tonya would be slapped or thrown against a wall – and then her husband would say “that didn’t happen” to the camera. It felt like the audience was being encouraged to decide her truth. It felt like her life was up for debate and we were all eating popcorn while we considered it.

Read More

I thought I would like a movie about a woman banging a lizard fish man more than I did

I saw lots of movies this month because I was given some vouchers and sent some tickets (thank you!) and so here are my reviews for the month! No spoilers. Unless it’s a spoiler to say that Sally Hawkins bangs a lizard fish man which I think it isn’t.

Hey girl

The Shape of Water

So I finally saw a Guillermo del Toro movie. It was good. Weird as shit. I mean at one point she’s dancing with a lizard fish man and somehow that was stranger than the banging. And when someone just banging a fish lizard man isn’t even the strangest thing in a movie then you know it’s a whack ass movie. I don’t know what was with the eggs. Nobody eats that many eggs. It’s not right. Michael Shannon is in this movie. I thought he was in Scream but he wasn’t. He was in Eight Mile. The only thing I can remember from that movie is Eminem licking his fingers in that revolting sex scene with Brittany Murphy. This is especially disturbing given the fingers on Michael Shannon in The Shape of Water. Also dead animal alert – a cat gets eaten.

Oh it wasn’t Brittany Murphy it was that other woman who was like Brittany Murphy. Do you remember she had that single in the charts? That was a weird time. Oh wait, maybe it was Brittany Murphy.

The Post

I was surprised at how much I loved The Post. I mean I like journalism movies as I am a failed journalist. They remind me of where my life might be if I didn’t have such an appalling work ethic. This is kind of like Wonder Woman but journalism. Like Wonder Woman if Wonder Woman had only like two maybe three women if that and the rest are white men in striped shirts. Actually fine it’s not like Wonder Woman at all. But it did make me feel idk momentarily not gripped with despair over the state of the world.

It’s fascinating and truly gripping. I was actually on the edge of my seat for some of it. Which I wasn’t expecting at all. Tom Hanks aye. Would you bang him? I might. I might with those tight pants and the rolled up sleeves.

Would

Paddington 2

I do love the Paddington movies. Everyone says this is better than the first but I don’t know. I love them both so much. It is delightful. Just like the first. I loved that the first was fairly clearly a message about refugees and kindness and open hearts and I love that the second was kind of a subversive critique of the industrial prison complex. He’s such a cute little bear.

Coco

Everyone shits themselves for Pixar and I get it. Coco is an absolutely stunning movie it really is. But IDK it’s a lot, like a lot, for kids. There is quite a complex storyline – my five year old just gave up half way through. But also it’s a lot of emotion – my son cried and was quite upset. He’s a sensitive sausage but it was a lot. We left immediately after and then I had to parent a lot after it. Like a lot. There were so many questions about how we make sure Aunty and nanna come back from the dead, and then lots of conversations about how they won’t. Because they’re dead. And then questions about why don’t we believe in Day of the Dead and what do we believe (I don’t know you just die – well handled by me). Then what does everyone else believe. And I just couldn’t be fucked talking about world religions you know when it’s this damn hot. But the music was nice.

Frances McDormand is perfection.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

I loved this. It’s my fave movie of 2018. Which is fairly easy since we are only in January. But it’s great. I didn’t think I’d enjoy it given the nature of the film. It’s about a mum whose daughter is raped and murdered. But it moved me so much. Frances McDormand’s performance was just incredible. The movie is actually about strength and resilience of women – how women are worn down by violence, by a society immune to that violence. It’s about how we see each other in the world, the ways we hurt each other. The fury we feel over the pain women so often have to carry. It’s powerful. I loved the ending. It felt true. And real. It’s a powerful and important film. Agonising. And also I don’t know how it’s so blisteringly funny? It’s such a brutal balance. It’s incredible. Definitely a must-see.

All The Money In The World 

So boring. Good lord. How did they make such an interesting story so fucking boring. And Mark Wahlberg is so Mark Wahlberg. Who in their right mind said “you know what this movie needs? Mark Wahlberg”.

Even Mark Wahlberg doesn’t know why Mark Wahlberg keeps getting work

Pitch Perfect 3

Exactly what you would expect from Pitch Perfect 3. Still you do have moments where you say: Wow, it’s 2018 and we really have movies where the only character trait a main character is allowed to have is that she’s fat. Like literally a whole character whose only purpose is to be a landing pad for fat jokes. I hope this is the last Pitch Perfect. In the age of Wonder Woman surely this shit has sailed.