To the person who let off fireworks from 3.30am till 5.20am last night

I just want you to know I’m going to find you.

A sleep deprived mother is basically more terrifying than Liam Neeson. You need to know that.

And you should be scared. Because when I find you I’m going to pay you back for waking my kids and me by letting off fucking fireworks at fucking three fucking thirty am till five fucking twenty am.

It may take me years to find you. But that’s OK – I’m committed.

One night you’re going to be asleep. Like I was. When you fucking woke me up.

At 3.30am I’m going to begin a fireworks display, in your room, on you.

From 3.30am till 5.20am. For your enjoyment.

I’m not going to do this every night forever, that would be crazy. But it would also be predictable – and I want you to never know when I’m going to suddenly turn up and shoot fireworks at you.

Before a big exam – I’m going to shoot fireworks at you. Before job interviews, just as you are psyching yourself up in the lift, the doors will open, and I will be there – to shoot fireworks at you. Your first date with that person you’ve been talking to online for months? I’m under the table, and just when you are about to pash I’m going to jump out and shoot fireworks at you.

It’s going to be very hard for you to maintain relationships. When you find that special person who can look past the fact that a mother of two covered in war paint follows you everywhere shooting fireworks at you, I will be quietly pleased.

We have formed an attachment to each other over these past 12 years.

I feel quite teary as I pull off my celebrant mask to reveal myself and shoot fireworks at you for almost two hours at your wedding.

Your new life partner is quite devastated that part of her wedding dress caught fire during the ceremony and again at the reception, but I make no apologies when I burst out of your mattress and shoot fireworks at you when you try to console her in your fancy hotel room.

You did this.

You made the choices you made.

As I emerge from the birthing pool in the delivery suite and shoot fireworks at you at the birth of your first child I wonder if I have gone too far.

You beg me to stop. You’re sorry! You know you were an insensitive dickbag who woke up children and kept everyone awake because you’re a massive jerk. Now that you’re a parent you see the world differently.

I look upon you kindly, I see you more than my own family. I almost feel fond of you. Maybe it is time to stop.

OK I say. You’ve learned your lesson.

You drop to your knees and sob. After 18 years together we have reached our graduation.

That night you have the best sleep you’ve ever had in your life. There is no sense of dread anymore as you close your eyes. You feel free.

Until 3.30am when I burst forth and shoot fireworks at you.

….

Don’t let off fucking fireworks outside of fucking Guy Fawkes Night and after fucking 10pm.

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  1. pure gold! hate guy falks. should b banned outright and only council allowed fireworks nite put on for the community

  2. The fucking fucker. There is no fucking sweary word that it’s fucking sweary enough to describe just how much fucking fuckwaddery it is for someone to let off fireworks, in the middle of the god damned night, for two fucking hours. What a fuckjob. If I had to pick a sweary word to describe that person for you, I’d call them a cock juggling thundercunt. That is all. Off to try and settle wired toddler with the mind of a whirlypool. You scream cock juggling thundercunt at that witless fuckwit if you hear them setting off fireworks tonight. And if you find them, shove a rocket up their arse and fly them to the fucking moon. The fucktard.

  3. Yes! Yes! Exactly! We have fireworks going off here in the UK for weeks before and after Nov 5th. They should ban sales to the public and no displays before or after the 5th. Halloween night i spent in our darkened bedroom ready to clap my hands over my 5 month old’s sleeping ears, with our cat quivering under the bed, while idiots let off bangers in the neighbourhood. Only til 9.30pm so not as bad as your situation, but still. I was beyond fuming.

  4. We’ve got a similar vendetta against a puttputt wannabe motorbike rider that started terrorising our block at 2am, I ran out on to the street at 3am, finally past it enough to go out in the cold. Someone reckons they’re tracked down the garage where said rider parks… Are fireworks appropriate here?!

  5. Incredibly insensitive! But I’m liking your response. And on a slightly different note – I had no idea that you could buy fireworks in NZ. They’ve been outlawed in Australia for years (because some idiots don’t know how to use them without blowing bits of their bodies off). My cousin and her husband are over there and posted a photo of a fireworks vending machine on Facebook. I’m sincerely hoping it wasn’t them that were the culprits.

  6. Couldn’t agree more but the response had tears of laughter running down my face…… Yep here are certainly some very insensitive folk around but fortunately not many near my house………. Go for it!!!!

  7. Yes! This! Exactly this. It’s like you took the word right out of my mouth. Selfish fuckers. Round here they start going off in October and go on right through to January. Every fucking night! It drives me nuts.

  8. Had the same issue, a few years back, I have kids, and these neighbors (who have no kids) just blasted out their heavy freakin metal music to about 230am. I called the noise complaint people, they came, they turned it down, 15 minutes later, their crap was blasting out again.

    I went to them the next day, and got a big speech about being judgey and they can do what they like.

    Yet six months later, I had a family BBQ , yes we were a bit loud but only until 1130pm.

    But of course they complained.

    I guess some people, just arent self aware.

  9. I feel the pain. Nothing like trying to get a good night’s sleep before an exam, or doing mock exams through the night and have the fireworks going off. Just very bad timing that Guy Fawks day is around second semester exam time.

    Now we have an a_hole in our neighbourhood who lets off fireworks once in a while when he pleased, at unpredictable times late at night, and seems to be at different locations sometimes. I think he actually lets off fireworks from a move-able car or something, and vary his locations around the hood. It has gotten me riled up enough once to come out at night in single digit temperature to try and find him.

    If you want to let off fireworks, do it as soon as the sky turns dark.