I saw the new Alexander Skarsgard movie not the one where he’s bald the one where he’s so hot I want to REDACTED SO I DON’T GET BANNED FROM FACEBOOK

Long day so I knew I needed to see the new Alexander Skarsgard movie with my girl Gem. Aftermath is a tale of grief, loss, family, war – other stuff.

But really, you spend most of the movie asking: What guy on this PLANET is stupid enough to think he can have ALEXANDER SKARSGARD living in his God DAMN attic and think his wife is not going to fuck Alexander Skarsgard immediately.

Your wife is going to fuck Alexander Skarsgard.

Look at that picture! She is looking at him like she knows she will ride his dick into the sunset.

Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. Look, it could be that you just got married and you came inside just to get changed before the reception – if Alexander Skarsgard is in your attic: I’m sorry, but your wife is going to fuck him.

This is science.

If Alexander Skarsgard is in your attic wearing FUCKING KNITWEAR LIKE NOBODY HAS EVER WORN IT BEFORE you’re fucking.

Do you know what happens in this movie? He chops wood. We heard the first chops and every person in the cinema regardless of gender just clenched because they knew they were about to see Alexander Skarsgard chopping wood.

He then DELIVERS HER WOOD (clearly a metaphor) and as he leaves the room he traces two fingers along her back.

Do you know the sound I made? It was obscene.


There’s a close up of his hands – this is all I’ve asked for in so long and they just DE LIV ERED,

Do you know he wears a cream skivvy and takes her to a fucking SEX CABIN IN THE WOODS??????????

We don’t know what the film is about. Who cares. SEX CABIN WITH ALEXANDER SKARSGARD WEARING A GOD DAMN FUCKING SKIVVY with his sad eyes and his dead wife – fucking 8 million stars. Give that chin an Oscar. I just want to sit on it forever.