Getting your baby to sleep is really quite simple.
Some people say look for tired signs but actually you should look for signs that they might be about to do tired signs. Before there are tired signs make sure you put your baby down to sleep. Immediately.
Try to connect telepathically to your child – ask them: Are you tired but not so tired that you’re showing tired signs?
Tired but not too tired signs are varied. They generally sound like cooing, screaming, crying, blowing raspberries, strong language, and singing R&B classics from the 90s.
Sometimes there is no sound.
Is baby biting their fist? Opening their mouth? Sticking out their tongue. Do they have a tongue? Are their eyes open? Are they closed? Did they blink? Did they move their body in any way? Did their foot twitch? Did they move their arm?
These are tired signs.
This means baby is tired.
You have a .36th of a second window to get your baby into their cot.
DO NOT LET THEM SLEEP IN YOUR BED OR ROOM OR THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE HOME. They’ll be 57 and you’ll be on your death bed but you won’t be actually in your death bed because they’ll be in your bed. You’ll be on the floor. Miserable, and not because you’re dying. Death will be a sweet release.
DO NOT LET THEM SLEEP IN THE BOUNCER. They will grow up to be one of those people who doesn’t stand up for old ladies on the bus. They’ll call you from London on their OE and say they just need to borrow $8k. And they’ll always forget your birthday and they won’t call till really late on Mother’s Day. They’ll borrow the car but never put petrol in it. You’re going to have to be buying their clothes when they’re 49. Is that what you want? All because you let them sleep in the bouncer.
DO NOT LET THEM SLEEP IN A MINI-CRIB OR MOSES BASKET PAST 39.7 days old. You will regret it. They will literally, literally, literally never sleep again and it will be your fault because you’re a terrible mother.
Let them sleep in the buggy if you want them to be held back in third grade and never be able to do basic arithmetic.
Get back to nature. Leave them in a tree.
The ideal sleep environment is Nanna’s house.
Once they’re in the cot, hold your hand above them and kiss their forehead but not with too much affection. Kind of like if someone else’s child went to kiss you on the lips but you know they had a vomiting bug a few days before so you kind of dodge them while still letting them kiss you. Kiss your baby like that.
Take a step to the right, put your hands on your hips, and pull your knees in tight.
If they wake, pick them up. Then put them down. Then pick them up. Then put them down. Then pick them up. Then put them down. Then pick them up. Then put them down. Then pick them up. Then pick them up. WAIT! IF YOU COULD DO THAT, THAT MEANS YOU PUT THEM DOWN AGAIN. You’ve got to start over now.
Pick them up, put them down, then pick them up, down, up, put them down now. Pick them up.
Then put them down.
Do this for around 72 hours.
If your baby still isn’t sleeping, it’s likely they’re overstimulated. Remove all furniture including their cot from your house. Put in white carpet. Put white padding on the walls. Doesn’t that look better? Now you can sit in the corner and rock in peace.
Place baby in the centre of a pentagram and finish sacrificing your goat to the sleep Gods.
Baby is also understimulated. You need to get the sweet spot where they’re just stimulated. Pop up and down from behind the cot – if this terrifies baby, you’re overstimulating them. If they don’t scream, you’ve understimulated baby.
Rocking and shushing can help – rock your baby for around 22 hours. Then shush your baby. Try to shush every six seconds. If you shush every seven seconds you will have to repeat the process over again. Do this for around eight months.
Put them down awake but a bit asleep. Baby should have one eye open and one eye closed and one eye kind of half open and half closed so you’re not sure if they’re awake or asleep.
Feeding and weaning
Feed them to sleep.
JUST KIDDING. Never feed them to sleep. ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Shoot breast milk across the room into their mouth. Make them beg for a bottle. Otherwise they’ll grow up soft.
Don’t spoil them with food. Food is not a necessity. It’s a luxury. A luxury your greedy baby can quite frankly do without.
Think about it – have you ever climbed into bed and then wanted a glass of water or a snack? Have you ever woken up during the night and wanted a sip of water? Been suddenly hungry? No, that has never, ever happened.
Use logic – is it more likely that your tiny baby is manipulating you and actually hates your guts and wants you to never sleep? Or are they maybe a bit thirsty?
Exactly, they’re all manipulating jerk babies that hate you and sleep.
Give them solids even if they’re six hours old. If it was good enough for a cave baby with a life expectancy of 17 it’s good enough for your baby.
Use sleep drops or opium.
Swaddle your baby until they’re 22 minutes old. And then until they’re 4.92 months old. Swaddle them tightly enough that they feel like they’re trapped in a cold and cruel world, but not so tight that their circulation is cut off.
Only use muslin wraps. Clean the wraps with your bitter tears.
Put on some (Barry) White noise.
But remember, if you use white noise they’ll never be able to sleep without it ever and you’ve created a rod for your back and really you should have thought about that before you had children. Isn’t it a shame that you can’t do anything right when that other mum in your coffee group has a baby that actually asks her in three different languages to put him down for a sleep?
Your baby may settle when you cuddle them but this is just your baby being spiteful. When you’re not around they call their baby friends and laugh about you behind their back.
Check the temperature of the room. It’s probably too hot and too cold.
Get a night light, but never turn it on.
Now that you know how to get your baby to sleep – make sure you tell other mums how to get their babies to sleep. If yours sleeps, theirs should too. Because all babies are the same. Here are some helpful things you can say to mothers of babies about sleep:
“I slept through the night from birth”
“My child basically hasn’t woken up since I got home from the hospital”
“That’s interesting, my friend’s baby was like that and it turned out the baby had Horrible Disease with Awful Prognosis”
“Babies need sleep or else they won’t develop properly”
“I think babies need tough love”
“I don’t know why people become parents if they’re not willing to die or become severely ill from sleep deprivation”
“It’s actually easy to get babies to sleep, other mums just overthink it”
“My child sleeps TOO much! It’s a nightmare”
If none of these suit you – you could just randomly yell incoherently about “mums these days”.
Goodnight. See you in 45 minutes.