A quiz: Who should I vote for?!

Unsure who you should vote for this year? I've got your back! Welcome to the Emily Writes Weekly Who Should You Vote For Quiz!

What best describes your family circumstances?

A) Communist pansexual throuple who make really good coffee

B) Standard NZ family really, I'm daddy's big boy, my wife has a Propofol addiction and we have children but I've forgotten their names.

C) One foot in the grave. Family hates me.

D) Single man in an apartment with one deck chair and a TV on the floor.

E) Standard NZ family really, my wife earns $280,000 a year and I am on a starter wage of $175,000 a year.

F) Standard NZ family really, struggling to survive but desperate not do anything about it.

What's your go-to meal?

A) Vegan shared meal with Karl Marx karakia before we eat.

B) I’ll eat first, and if there’s anything left, my family can have the scraps.

C) Porridge, on its own, prepared by my long-suffering wife.

D) Unseasoned steak. Glass of milk. On my own.

E) Protein, have you heard of protein?

F) We are all eating. Well, some of us aren't eating, but there’s not much we can do about that.

What is your dream Sunday afternoon activity?

A) Shift at the repair cafe fixing bikes, pick up THC prescription, followed by a casual dinner with the polycule.

B) Buy another house, yell at my third wife, eat dinner alone at Soul Bar and have a few bumps in the toilet.

C) In my day, we didn’t have Sunday afternoons, and now kids have litter trays in schools.

D) Watching public executions on Telegram or trolling Māori women MPs online followed by a few hours snap chatting teenage girls.

E) Building a platform to make it more comfortable to sit on the fence.

F) Devil Wears Prada 2.

You call your adult children, they: 

A) Answer and tell you that yes, they’ll see you at the anti-war march and, yes, you can borrow their Satanyahu tee shirt.

B) They answer but say they’re charging $2.99 per minute to talk to you. It's just business.

C) They don’t answer because the call doesn’t work because you didn’t upgrade your phone from the 2g network because you’ll be damned if any woke transgender phone company will tell you what to do!

D) They don’t answer, they blocked your number during Covid when you said you didn’t care if their child died.

E) You don’t have adult children because you did the maths, and children only become successful adults 42% of the time. It's just not optimal.

F) They live at your house, you don't need to call them.

What is your biggest vice?

A) Weed and you volunteer for too many things.

B) Stealing from disabled people.

C) Betting on illegal dog fights.

D) Room temperature milk and AI Mpreg videos.

E) Cold plunges! Cold exposure constricts blood vessels, which helps reduce swelling and inflammation! Shall I show you a PowerPoint? I have three!

F) 3 bottles of rosé.

What is your view on pants?

A) Everyone should have pants!

B) I should have all the pants!

C) Where are my pants?

D) Why did you have legs if you can’t afford pants?

E) Do I need to explain to you what pants are? 

F) I can’t say for sure whether people need pants, do any of us really know? I’d rather not state my opinion on this.

What is your go-to Karaoke song?

A) Anchor Me - The Mutton Birds

B) The American National Anthem (Erika Kirk Breath Sounds Version)

C) The New Zealand National Anthem, but not the Māori verses

D) Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke

E) I can't say I've ever heard a song before

F) Loyal - Dave Dobyn or what's that nice song by that band with the trumpets? Six60?

Why have you been fired from your job?

A) Kept cooking fake meat in the kitchen, and it smells like despair.

B) Never been fired because I work for daddy's company and he said I'm his best boy.

C) Calling the girl on the front desk sugar tits. It's PC Gone Mad. Sorry no it's Social Justice gone mad. Actually no it's Woke. It's all because of Woke.

D) All women on staff formed a union specifically to go to HR and say I make them feel unsafe at work.

E) Stole a colleague's idea and passed it off as my own.

F) Scheduled too many meetings to get out of work.

What jobs are you applying for?

A) Nothing with AI in the description. Anything with "community" or "plants" or "whakapapa" in the description. (This recently led to you accidentally applying for a job at a skifield so it's not a perfect method.)

B) Dad says I might inherit the company if I work very hard and fire the department that unionised last week.

C) Floor sweeper at The Platform, bonuses include all the cigarette butts I can smoke and all the brown liquor spills I can drink.

D) Executive Assistant in the ACT parliamentary offices. Duties include microwaving fish and milk. The office is open plan so there's a chance Senpai David will notice me.

E) Anything with AI in the description. My dream job is to walk the corridors of an AI gigadatacentre and to stare lovingly at the acres of GPUs in row after row after row after row. The only downside is I will have to wear reinforced undies to hide my constant boner.

F) Policy analyst.

Results

Mostly As - Congratulations! You're voting for The Greens! You are bisexual and you have ADHD. You care about the environment and your community. You have a rescue dog that terrifies people, and you make a terrible lentil lasagne, and you write bad poetry. You're almost out of the gummies you ordered from a Denver online shop and you're worried about how tariffs will affect them.

Mostly Bs - Congratulations! You're voting for National! What you lack in friends, you make up for in assets. Well, not cash assets, but you own a bach! Well, your daddy does, but...

Mostly Cs - Congratulations! You're voting NZ First! You're confused, and you're not sure where you left your slippers. You think women who wear trousers are lesbians. You are voting for young up-and-comer Winston Peters because he's against all the things that Winston Peters voted for in previous governments that Winston Peters was a minister in.

Mostly Ds - Congratulations! You're voting ACT! You've never had a real human relationship before and are often described as someone who 'gives never had a pet energy'. Your restraining order does not permit you to be within 50m of a school or playground.

Mostly Es - Congratulations! You will be voting for whoever goes on the New Zealand podcast that most resembles The Huberman Lab, which is to say, TOP. You're an insufferable nerd with no understanding of how the real world works. You think that if you change your personality to suit whoever you're with, you'll make friends, but it hasn't worked yet. You don't stand for anything so you're constantly falling for everything.

Mostly Fs - Congratulations! You're voting Labour! You're a firm believer in just seeing how things go, not rocking the boat, she'll be right, mate. You have a chair and it's comfy and you're just gonna wait it out. Things will get better, you'll see, all you have to do is not do anything.

Thank you for taking this scientific, evidence-based quiz! Remember, if you're voting for the Greens, Labour, Te Pāti Māori, or TOP, it's vital that you check your enrolment and/or enrol to vote, right now. And if you're voting for National, NZ First, or ACT, you should also act now.