Ask Emily - The Bad Advice Column

I don't know why but people often ask me for advice. I get DMs all the time asking what I'd do in situations I hope I'll never find myself in and people ask me for tips when I clearly have very little wisdom.

But, I do have a newsletter and so I thought, why not? Why not me? If people are going to get advice from all of the terrible influencers out there why shouldn't they get advice from a chaotic, ADHD-addled, menopausal, anxious mess?

So, welcome to Ask Emily - The Bad Advice Column where I try to give good advice but I'm not very good at that so it's bad. Email me at emily @ emilywrites dot co dot nz if you want to be in the next edition!

Hi Emily. We can't afford to rent any more and want to ask our parents if we can move in with them. They own a large house free-hold and I can't understand why they won't help us. They are really financially well off and even have passive income from a rental. I've worked hard, but I can't get ahead after my husband left me. What should I do? - Sam, 38

Oooh to be a boomer with a house and a rental and the ability to help your kids. The dream! So many parents out there would love to be in a position to help their adult children and then we have those who can but don't. It's grim. My advice is to tell them you need help in the clearest possible terms. Sit them down and say "Look, I cannot afford rent any more, I really need your help. Can I move in?".

The ‘asking if you can move in’ is the important bit. My family would rather eat glass than have me and my kids move in with them - so if they had a rental I could live in until I "got on my feet" they'd offer that, just to stop me living with them. Hopefully that's the case with your parents.

Best case scenario, they just didn't know you needed help, as sometimes boomers can be oblivious (just like Gen X and Z and Gen Alpha can. Not Millennials, we are perfect).

Maybe they'll surprise you. If they don't, try an insurance scam.

Good luck x

My friend has a terrible drinking problem. She cannot handle herself and always embarrasses herself. It's got to the point where I can't take her anywhere. I don't know how to handle it. Any advice? - Kiri, 40

We all have a friend who is not piss fit. Piss fit is an Australian term and it basically means you can handle your booze. You can be a piss head in my book, but you have to be piss fit. That means you have to be able to control yourself. If you can't control yourself? You can't drink. It's that simple.

First of all, check that they're not depressed or manic. If they're just not piss fit - then proceed with an intervention.

We once had an intervention with a friend who was an annoying drunk, and she just cut everyone off who was at the intervention. To be honest, that was the second-best case scenario because if they don't get their shit together and stop drinking or get piss fit, then you don't want to hang out with them anyway.

Cheers x

I was trying to impress new workmates, and I told them I love to hike. Now they're trying to get me to do a three-day tramp, and I'd rather die. How do I get out of this? - J, 40

Break your leg. It's the only way.

Seriously x

My friend has been convinced by her toxic boyfriend that she should be polyamorous. I hate it. What can I say to her to convince her he is trash and she shouldn't be poly? - Kate, 39

The issue here is not the polyamory of it all. If I had a dollar every time I heard about a guy who hassled his wife into polyamory only to find out nobody wants to fuck him and now he is losing his mind because everyone wants to fuck her, I'd have $4. The issue is that he sucks. And I can already tell, without you even saying it, that he's a cis straight man. He's lucky to have a girlfriend at all. But she may not be ready to hear that.

You probably need to poison him, or seduce her, then marry her.

With love x

I feel like the news is making me crazy. I'm actually starting to feel a bit suicidal? How can I go forward when everything feels pointless? W, 46

I think it would be crazy if the news wasn't making you crazy. But suicidality is no joke. Please book an appointment as soon as you possibly can to talk to your GP about your suicidal ideation. While it's normal to feel despondent in these times, it's a sign you're not well if you're considering ending your life or you're unable to find joy in your daily life.

Trying some meds is a good idea. Alongside that, going for a stupid walk is a good idea too. Which sucks. I get it. Nobody wants to be told to go for a walk. But unfortunately it does help to go for a walk.

Finally, do something that makes you feel useful and connected to the good that is in the world. Go volunteer at your local city mission or help at your local community garden. Helping helps everyone, including you.

Meds. Walk. Help. One foot in front of the other.

Thinking of you x

Hello I would love some bad advice! Dear Emily, my 5 year old daughter will not go to sleep by herself. I have to stay in the room while she falls asleep then creep out. If the floor creaks she wakes up and we have to start again. It takes an hour at best. How can we get her to go to sleep alone?

Oh my friend, I am the worst person to ask. I have an eleven-year-old who still sleeps in my bed. I wish I had some advice for you because so often it feels like you're the only person in the world with a kid who either can't fall asleep on their own or can't sleep without you or can't sleep through the night.

You're not the only person! I promise. Knowing you're not alone doesn't help that much, though, does it? How annoying.

Here's a selection of random things that sometimes but not always help me:

• A sleep association like a sleep story or counting - I play the same calm story every night and sometimes it does some kind of Pavlov's Dog thing and sometimes my kid will be asleep in minutes from hearing it.
• White noise to cover the sound of the commando roll-out.
• A routine of night-on, night-off if you have a partner. My son prefers to sleep with me and moans if his dad does nighttime. But we make sure we just ignore that because we have to get some time alone.
• Reminding myself that, culturally, co-sleeping is the norm everywhere but in the West. It's normal to struggle to fall asleep and it's normal to want someone you love close to you as you fall asleep. Sometimes this makes me feel better. Usually it doesn't.
• Have a thing I do one night a week that gets me out of the house without my child. Like Dancing in the Dark nights, a movie night, a catch-up with friends. Anything really - just prioritising knowing when you'll get some time "off" doing the bedtime routine.
• Get a Kindle or Kobo so you can read in the dark with the light on it low. Kobo allows you to borrow e-books from the library. Or put on headphones and listen to an audiobook. Being as boring as possible helps me manage lying in bed at 8pm when I'd rather be doing anything else. I say 'lights off, no talking, no questions, roll over' etc. My son absolutely spins out some nights about this but I would struggle to stay sane if I didn't do it.

You'll notice most of these involve you, not your child. That's because I think for some kids, sleep is just something they're not really able to do. I tried so hard with my son, then he was diagnosed with autism and I realised none of the shit I did to try to change him would have made a difference.

Some kids just take longer than others to settle, to sleep, to be alone. Some don't get there for a really long time. It's up to us (which is so rude because we are tired and over it) to change how we approach sleep.

I'm sorry, I wish there was a quick fix. I wish I could just say 'do this!'. I searched for that for a really long time. It is hard. And if you're finding it really hard it's because it is really hard.

Also I am able to dissociate to a frightening degree. I can literally leave my body and this earthly realm to escape to a place where I never had kids and don't have to deal with this bullshit any more. And then as soon as he's asleep, I return, and I'm like, " Ohhh, look at him sleeping! He's perfect! I'm so glad I had him'. Without my ability to slide into a dissociative fugue state, I'd really struggle at nighttime. But now I just disappear into de-realisation and literally just leave my mortal body behind. I'm joking! Kinda haha.

Solidarity sister x

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Thanks for reading and if you have any questions, send them to me! I'd love to hear from you. emily writes @ emilywrites dot co dot nz.Anyway, thanks for being here! Arohanui, Emily x