Leaked! NZ First Members Bills you weren’t meant to see!
Gosh, what a week it’s been! And it’s only Wednesday!
For the last ten days or so, coalition MPs have been obsessively talking about trans people to hide the fact that they’re accumulating massive wealth while you struggle to pay your rent or mortgage.
ACT’s Parmjeet Parmar has bought five new rental homes (she already had three) this term, so she’s posting BS on Facebook about how we need legislation to say what a woman is.
Transphobic idiots are gorging themselves on it while she laughs all the way to the bank.
National MP Kate Nimon bought three new rental properties; she now owns FIVE rental properties.
Louise Upston says carers are greedy while she takes $1000 a week from taxpayers to pay for a house she owns mortgage-free. That’s more than what many New Zealanders earn in a week - and it’s on top of her $320,600 ministerial salary.
Nicola Willis is telling you to tighten your belt while she eats $15 pies on her break from attacking the poorest, most vulnerable people in this country.
They all want you to focus on culture war BS they imported from Trump’s America instead of asking why they keep giving tax breaks to landlords while they become mega landlords.
We all apparently just need to learn how to budget while they literally give themselves tax breaks! They’ve earned so much from their rentals since coming into power that they literally can’t stop buying rentals.
Worried about your retirement? Just be more like Suze Redmayne, who owns $24m of property, including a farm worth $18m. She has seven - yes, seven - retirement funds!
On average, National MPs have interests in property worth more than double the Labour average - $4.6m versus $2m.
And while I was stewing over this, you’re not going to believe it, but I heard a knock on the door and when I answered it there was no-one there but a gently steaming brown paper envelope!
Inside were the TOP SECRET member bills NZ First are putting forward.
The files said all of these bills would be supported by ACT and National and David Seymour and Christopher Luxon under the following deals:
David Seymour gives: Full unequivocal ACT support for all bills (listed below).
David Seymour gets: 2 litres of room-temperature milk, access to Snapchat for [redacted], new surgically-implanted strings to pull his mouth in the direction of his ears to simulate smiling, and Winston Peters will hang out with him for one night at The Backbencher Pub.
Christopher Luxon gives: Full unequivocal National support for all bills (listed below).
Christopher Luxon gives: Winston Peters will let him pretend to be prime minister until November. David Seymour will share his warm milk and he promises not to backwash much.
The Bills
(Legislation) No Mixed Gender Toilets on Planes, You Have To Wear Adult Diapers Like Our Party Leader Bill
The My Adult Children Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Not Talk To Me (Family Unification Bill)
Ban Journalists from Being Mean To Me (John Campbell Cancellation Bill)
In My Day We Had Lead Paint And We All Survived Bill (Compulory Lead in Paint) Bill
The No Litter Boxes Education Amendment Bill
Fishing Companies Who Donate To Us Can Use Anything Up To And Including Nukes For Fishing (Fisheries Amendment) Bill
The You Can’t Release Baby Crocodiles Into The Toilet Because Then There Will Be Sewer Crocodiles Bill
Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve (Amendment to Marriage Equality) Bill
Super Gold Card Upgrade To Super Saiyan Gold Card Bill
The Teenagers Must Wear Belts (No Baggy Pants and You Must Respect Your Elders) Bill
In My Day Nobody Gave Their Children Names Where You Couldn’t Tell If They Were A Boy or a Girl (Permitted Names Register Bill)
In My Day We Had Lead Paint And Petrol And I Don't Have Any Memory Problems (Lead Paint & Petrol Legalisation and Subsidisation) Bill
I HEREBY DECLARE THAT I DO NOT GIVE MY PERMISSION FOR FACEBOOK TO USE ANY OF MY PERSONAL PHOTOS. I do not give consent! (Aunt Sheryl on the Chardonnay on Facebook at 8pm Bill)
No More Pronouns, It's Just Too Confusing, Everyone Must Go By "Listen up Nancy Boy!" Bill
You Must Have Superannuation From Conception And It Will Be Personally Administered By Shane Jones at your birth (Fossil Fuel Company Prop-Up) Bill
Property Wealth Hoarder (Avocado Toast Ban) Amendment Bill.
Mandatory Workplace Cigarette Consumption (Make Smoko Great Again) Amendment Bill
Minimum Wage Reversal Amendment (Nobody Wants To Work These Days) Bill
Free Hotel Pornography For All MPs Bill
Total Media Ban On Reporting On Government MP Hotel Pornography Consumption (Retroactive Apology Legislation) Bill
Fck Yeah, Free Darts For Life For NZ First MPs (Tobacco Lobbyist Enrichment) Bill
The Treaty of Waitangi is Fake and Gay Bill
At Any Point We Can Just Kind Of Swap Any Given NZ First MP For Someone From The Taxpayer's Union (Atlas Network to MP Pipeline) Bill
In My Day We Had Lead Paint And Petrol And I Still Don't Have Any Memory Problems (Totally New Bill We Haven't Submitted Before) Bill
Well, We Never Had Autism in 1965 (Makes Changing Train Times Illegal) Amendment Bill
Can You Believe This Labrador Can Ride a Jetski? (ChatGPT All-Government Integration Bill)
So what do you think of these bills?
Fight Back! Write Back!
We must stand firm against these bills. Remember to oppose them. And make sure you check out our great submission guide.
Emily Writes
Good news! I'm benefiting from the Government's 'trickle down economics' which means that people worried about their jobs are unsubscribing from this newsletter which is scary and expected. If you want to throw some coins my way, I will dance for you.
Truly, I can’t thank you enough.