Please, I need to go to the white lady sanctuary

As soon as it was published, I had dozens of messages directing me to it. How do the tiny people in my phone know my specific brand of psychosis so well? I am so into Millennial Beige Culture. There's literally never a time I don't want to see what a healthfluencer is doing. Oh, she put a giant gong in her house? Beautiful. I love it. She's saying kale has a past life? Of course it does! Who hasn't posted about vegetable reincarnation! Her light healer has pivoted to UV IV therapy and there's a reel showing her being injected with cow piss that's been blessed by her chiropractic energy teacher? Plug it in my veins!

So, when chef extraordinaire slash white linen enthusiast Chelsea Winter posted a video of her latest health retreat, everyone I know was right to let me know. I was all in.

The cinematic masterpiece/reel begins with Chelsea Winter walking in white linen side by side with Chelsea Winter who is also in white linen. I don't actually know how much a retreat costs because you have to register your interest first to be told the price. But whatever the price is, if you get two Chelsea Winters, I think it's worth it.

Look at how she glides. I would have tripped over that natural fibre blanket shawl thing at least three times already. The best thing about beige shawls is the way that they make you look elegant yet in touch with the earth yet feminine yet not at all like your friends and family are about to pool their meagre savings so they can afford a cult deprogrammer.

Next up we're shown the lodges - and if that isn't a beige showroom, I don't know what is. I love it. But there's no time to dwell on the dwellings because we're microdosing nature by sniffing some leaves while wearing a coat that costs more than your rent for the week - oh look, the rent is going up! Now it only costs about the same.

"Experience devotion from seed to plate", we're encouraged. I don't know what that means! I ate a blackcurrant for the first time last week because I thought it was a blueberry. I did not like it! Was that Devotion? Or is Devotion a name for one of the fancy potatoes that cost three times as much?

"Here nourishment meets culinary artistry". I had popcorn for dinner two nights in a row, so I think I know a bit about nourishment, but I do not know what those white things are. Is that raw chicken and onion? Are those flowers? I want to eat flowers.

Next we see the Heart of New Zealand's Southern Alps. The mountains are so pretty! I would feel so grounded looking at them, because mountains are actually made of ground. I don't doubt that being railed by the divine feminine under those big boys would feel incredible.

Oh is that a...

NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

Wait, is that chocolate! Now we're talking.

I feel bad because I had assumed (ass=u+me!) that chocolate wouldn't be allowed. Oh, we don't call it chocolate? It's cacao? And this is a Cacao Ceremony?

Of course, I knew that. For setting intentions? Well normally this would make me shit my pants and I am setting my intention to not ruin these linens babe! Cacao is the new quinoa, by the looks of my Insta. Surely it tastes better than Quinoa? But, you can just make mine a mug of Milo. I'm easy to please, unless it will make me high. In which case, sign me up - just to be able to share the full experience with my readers, for educational purposes of course. Not for any other reason.

Massage? I cannot tell you how much I love a massage. It's a no-touch massage? It's just vibes? Kind of like a vibrator if it was just to look at and didn't vibrate or do anything else? You're just holding your hands above me for vibe-purposes? And my aura is rancid? Really?!? Well, now I'm even more stressed. Thank God I have 800 gently swinging tassels to look at to hypnotize myself.

Oh thank God, Dave is here with the sound bath gear. My bad, sorry, not Dave - I mean Guru Bûle. I can't wait. Nobody loves being alone with their own thoughts more than anxious, avoidant ADHDers. Luckily, I'm pretty sure nobody in the health space believes ADHD is real so I should be fine with a sound bath, right?

I hope he plays Wonderwall.

Look at how relaxed she is. I want this to be me. Unfortunately, whenever I am left to my own thoughts, it's the worst experience ever. I once did one of those float things and became convinced there would be an earthquake and I'd be stuck in the float and what if there was a tsunami after that and I went sliding down the street in my float and then the top popped open and everyone took a photo of me trying to get out of the float naked because I don't look that bad naked but I look seriously bad naked trying to get out of a float thing, you know? And what if, when I got out, I got immediately hit by a bus? I've never been able to do yoga without thinking "the bees are going extinct," and then I'm crying because I sometimes buy coffee and don't use a reusable cup, and I'm so sorry.

Oh, I need to breathe? Sure. How do I do that again? Thank God they've got a somatic breathwork journey I can jump on. Followed by Ancient Feminine Wisdom...

Three glasses of wine and Fleetwood Mac? Don't mind if I do. That's exactly how I dance. And I always wear white when I'm dancing to 'I'm Every Woman', which is always a banger.

The flyer said there's womb alchemy? Can I still participate without... ummm, nevermind.

But you know what we really need for this retreat? More pan pipes.

Dave! I mean Bûle! You're speaking my language, brother. Look at that hog. It's huge. Do you know any Jethro Tull?

If you're feeling worried that you'll be expected to wear flowing linen gowns like the ladies in the reel, fret not - there's no dress code!

There is no dress code - feel free to dress in a way that reflects how you want to feel - grounded, soft, feminine, comfortable.

There is guidance on what to wear, though, which is obviously different to a dress code:

Where possible, choose natural fibres such as cotton, bamboo, linen, silk, modal, merino, hemp, cashmere or wool. These materials support breathability, nervous-system regulation and comfort.

Make sure it's feminine, ladies!

Truly, what more could one ask for while the world is on fire than to dance and eat pretty things and then lie horizontal for a while. It's the dream. Do you think they offer scholarships for broke bogans who wear synthetic fibres? Asking for a friend...

Live, Laugh, Namaste babes!

Here is the original reel! Do try it! And once you have tried it please leave a comment or donate or take out a paid subscription so I can afford whatever the ticket price turns out to be!