FNC - Men who can dish it but can never take it

Welcome to Friday Night Chats! We all made it through another week. I'm proud of us. We're here. We are ready to chat about as much inane BS as we can handle. Let's absolutely go!

As a reminder, only paid subscribers get Friday Night Chats. It's my little thank you for employing me. You can sign up here if you want to read Friday Night Chats and all of the paywalled content at Emily Writes Weekly.

This week has been one of ups and downs for me. I had many, many awful, horrible, revolting misogynists in my inbox.

One creep not only sent me torrents and torrents of email abuse (sample: "Your fat you fat fatso miss piggy KFC eating fat lardass"), he also rang people I have worked with in the past, trying to get hold of me. He then screamed at them. He emailed people I've worked with and told them I am a necrophiliac, which is actually kind of funny lol.

Of all the things to say haha!

Anyway, I can cope with abuse. I am sadly used to it. But when it crosses over to harming anyone who has ever had anything to do with me - that's so upsetting.

I was deleting threats and blocking this guy (who was adamant he was going to beat me up) when a friend messaged me to say he had a history of violence - armed robbery and the like. I admit I did think for a second - I wish NZ Police took threats seriously. But then I thought, nah, men like this are all hot air, and I went back to trying to work.

But I guess it didn't leave my brain...

I went to my son's school for a fundraiser, and it was really windy (typical Wellington) and very chaotic (typical school fundraiser). I was looking everywhere for my boy, and I couldn't find him.

I circled the quad, but there were so many kids, tweens, teens, adults, dogs...I couldn't see him. I asked his friends, 'Have you seen him?' but none of them had. My phone kept beeping, and when I pulled it out of my pocket, I saw the preview of a text: 'Shooting in town'.

I looked around again for my boy. My heart started to bang. I felt like there wasn't enough air. There were kids tearing around, people everywhere - but where was my Eddie. I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. My chest felt so tight. I couldn't swallow. A thousand horses stampeding in my ears. Dark skies clouding over my eyes...Omgomgomg what if he's here what if he has my boy my boy my boy my boy what if I've hurt my boy what if what if what if my boy my boy...

And then into my arms he leapt - all tween arms and legs. No jacket of course. Tomato sauce in the corner of his mouth, spilling out. A soggy piece of bread and sausage thrown expertly into the bin as I kissed his hair. Not shy to give his mum a huge hug and entwine his fingers into mine, pulling them up to make a church's steeple. He was already talking 'we haven't performed yet but mum there's fry bread and mum I will make yours there's sprinkles and mum did you see mum did you see I need to help set up for the performance are you coming?'.

Just like that, I could breathe. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

But I do wonder, is it? It's become so normal to face death threats for having opinions. And when someone harasses you, insults you, degrades you - if you bite back even once...Well. The enormous crash-out that follows. Because these men can dish it (boy, can they dish it), but they absolutely cannot take it.

And I know everyone says ignore it. But sometimes turning it into a joke is a matter of survival. Because I don't think anyone can hold the truth in their head that just being a woman online means you're vulnerable to men who hate women. And that there's nobody, not Netsafe, not the Police, who will care.

Anyway, this is not good FNC content. We have fun here. It's meant to be an escape. But I thought I'd share it because it's made this week hard. Really hard.

But we're here now. And we are together. And I think that matters a lot.

What I'm reading:

Probably the best thing I read this week was this: Sitting on cash while communities struggle. It's all about whether central government should hold huge cash reserves when communities and local councils are in debt and unable to cover emergencies and disasters. I feel like this completely sums up the thing that makes me absolutely scream when it comes to local councils/central government.

So, councils borrow and debt climbs. And what does the government say? That it’s not them causing inflation — it’s your local rates. They blame the very councils they’ve starved of support. It’s a vicious cycle.

Government withholds funding.

Councils borrow.

Rates rise.

Inflation ticks up.

Government blames councils.

Rinse and repeat.

VMAs 2025 Red Carpet: All the LGBTQ+ Celebs You Need to See

The loves and struggles of NZ teen dads

On Thailand’s IDF hummus trail

Our Changing World: The role of fidgeting for people with ADHD

Murdoch resolves succession drama – a win for Lachlan; a loss for public interest journalism

Judge extends Tom Phillips case publication injunction

I can’t stop thinking about Stuart Nash’s pussy tits mind

Who’s Afraid of Jinkx Monsoon?

Everyone hates the new Wuthering Heights trailer, and here’s why

Israel’s Peace Plan: Assassinate the Ceasefire Negotiators

NZ’s small music venues are struggling – but there are ways to help them thrive

What I'm listening to

I'm listening to an audiobook called The Compound by Aisling Rawle. "Lily—a bored, beautiful twentysomething—wakes up on a remote desert compound alongside nineteen other contestants on a popular reality TV show. To win, she must outlast her housemates while competing in challenges for luxury rewards, such as champagne and lipstick, and communal necessities to outfit their new home, like food, appliances, and a front door."

It's a bit of fluff. And what I need right now. A family member told me they have this huge deep sense of forboding and I was like...I think that's kind of normal if you read the news at the moment. Feels very important that we all touch grass and spend time kanohi ki te kanohi. Face to face you know?

What I'm watching

I can't believe The Summer I Turned Pretty is still going. Every episode, I think it's the end, and then there's another episode. If Belly studied French for years and years and got a scholarship to study in Paris, why can she not speak even basic French?

Big series - Tangata Pai - coming up soon on Three. I haven't heard much about it. Except that it's the first mainstream prime-time production to have 30 percent of its dialogue in te reo Māori. Feels a bit bleak that it took until 2025 to get there.

I started The Girlfriend on Amazon Prime which has TWO of my crushes in it - Robin Wright and Olivia Cook. Wright plays a super hot 'boy mum' (you know the type - bleurgh) who has no boundaries. And Cook plays the son's super hot girlfriend who has no boundaries. Which one is worse? Will they kiss? Please can they kiss?! I need this.

What are we talking about in the group chat?

Well, we all shared old wedding photos, so that was fun. And talked about what we'd change and what we wouldn't about our wedding days. And we talked about the worst wedding trends according to us:

• Weddings that say they're Black Tie but the venue and food isn't Black Tie. Making someone rent a tux or ball dress for a wedding in a motel with a buffet is not cool.
• Telling people they have to wear certain colours/colour-coordinating your guests.
• Having a full day wedding with long gaps where guests can't do anything in those gaps because it's not enough time to have a nap but it's too long to sit in the car park until the next venue opens. Just have a shorter wedding!

Would love to hear yours. 1) Worst wedding trend 2) If you've been married, what would you change about your wedding?

Were I to do my wedding again, I'd make it much, much smaller. I felt compelled to invite relatives who I haven't seen since and who are dicks anyway. My vow renewal was just me, my husband, and the kids, and that was awesome.

I'm sending big love to everyone going to the March for Humanity tomorrow. If you feel you need to be invited to go, I am inviting you.

It's tomorrow, Saturday, 13 September. Due to high winds it's no longer on the bridge. It starts at 9.30 am at Aotea Square. The march will then proceed through the CBD in Tāmaki Makaurau to Victoria Park.

What are you watching? Listening to? Reading? Scroll to the bottom for a poem.

As always, thank you for being here with me. It means the world to me.

To have without holding
By Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.
It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.
It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.
I can’t do it, you say it’s killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor’s button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.