His dad is a bigger influence than his phone
Adolescence and the bandaid solution
“Could a teenage boy be so influenced by misogynist Andrew Tate that he's driven to murder his young classmate?”.
Variations on this question have haunted every think-piece about Netflix’s new drama series Adolescence. If you don’t already know, it’s a four-part mini-series that tells a story, or part of a story, of a 13-year-old boy killing a 12-year-old girl.
The series leaves you with questions about the cause - but many viewers have decided it’s a call to arms against either cell phones or internet access for teens.
I think this misses the point.
I say the following with this caveat: I don’t have anything against parents not letting their kids have access to phones and the internet. And I too worry about safety online - that’s why I did a whole series on this issue.
I want to be clear that Andrew Tate horrifies me. And I obviously worry about teenage boys and incel culture.
But - I also think the focus on young boys and internet influencers with fragile masculinity is a distraction.
As someone who has engaged in feminism discourse online for almost two decades now, I can tell you it isn’t about the cell phones.
The call is coming from inside the house.
The idea that you can ‘ban’ cellphones and social media for tweens and teens and then grant them access one arbitrary day and believe they will not be influenced by harmful content is fantastical. What changes at 14? 16?
I also believe it’s a way for adults to wash their hands of the very real and important influence they have over children in their lives.
A mother, fully invested in her child’s wellbeing and earnestly banning screen time as a way to shape her son into a man who respects women, is completely thwarted in this aim if her husband calls women bitches. If a child’s dad repeats misogynistic jokes all day - that’s only going to send the message to a child that he will have company as he falls down the rabbit hole.
I believe a child who is dropped off to school with the noxious sounds of the angriest men alive on talkback radio, with dad nodding along, is at far greater risk than a child with a cellphone.
Deputy Prime Minister David Seymour and friends. Just good fun!
But as a society we seem incapable of talking about risk factors for violence against women that aren’t screens. A father who votes ACT and genuinely believes men are oppressed and women are to blame, a grandfather who calls Jacinda Ardern or Tory Whanau a whore, an uncle who hates queers…Are these men not more of an influence on a child than Andrew Tate?
I genuinely worry that the focus on screens and cell phones is providing a false sense of security to parents and people who have children who they love in their lives. The media’s relentless obsession with the content of the ‘manosphere’ and not the fact that we have politicians saying the same thing (or even editors in their newsroom) - is part of the issue.
They think “ban cellphones” = “job done”. And that’s dangerous.
The very loudest folks involved in the ‘ban cellphones’ movement are often the same folks who are against hate speech laws. Hate speech laws would impact churches like Destiny who dress their boys in gendered boxes primed for violence against women and queer people.
They’re folks who seem to have a cognitive dissonance around their own online behaviour. They are using a ‘look over there, not at me’ tactic. A man calling a woman politician an ugly slut while hosting a petition to ‘protect children’ from online violence is fairly common.
Emily Writes
They’re also folks who might not need the side of the internet that is a life saver to kids who don’t have the privileges they do.
Neurodivergent teens can find their neurokin on TikTok. Queer kids can find safety with their chosen family on Instagram. A child raised in an evangelical household, feeling hopeless about her future as a prospective wife and mother can find feminism online.
My son when first diagnosed loved to watch videos on the latest tech for his chronic health condition. He now listens to podcasts like Blindboy which cover positive masculinity and mental health among other important topics. Best of all, it’s a podcast where a man is being thoughtful, curious and calm.
He is a kid who wants to be just like his dad. So, what matters more here for him? Removal of screens or a father who also listens to podcasts with him rather than listening to a radio station with a man screaming down the mic about woke fake news and the feminist cabal?
How crucial is it for him to have a father who never shouts at his wife. Who works around the home just as he does outside of the home. A man who respects not only his mother, wife, sister but all of the women around him - including women he doesn’t know (gasp!).
Emily Writes
A man who has never once abused a woman online. A man who doesn’t call women sluts or whores. A man who considers that he is a role model always to young men - and might just be a counterpoint to toxic male influencers.
What if the conversation switched from banning social media for teens to banning men from your house who display toxic viewpoints about women and queer people?
What if instead of bleating “ban phones” men had to grapple with what kind of role model they are to the young men around them. Do they say “hey that’s sexist mate don’t say that” when their bro tells a misogynist joke? Do they laugh along when their mate calls a woman a dyke because they don’t like her opinions? Do they stand up against misogyny or lean into it?
What would it look like if as a society we were as disgusted by the ACT Party saying women teachers are oppressing boys and the gender pay gap doesn’t exist as we are by any dumb shit Andrew Tate says?
That’s a harder conversation and I guess that’s why folks want to avoid it. But by not having it I think we’re trying to put a band-aid on a gaping wound.
The end result is an inability to prevent further injury and that’s what really worries me.
No doubt this post is going to drive the usual awful men online wild - please support me by becoming a paid subscriber as an antidote to the bullshit.
