How to talk to your sons about THAT*

Emily Writes

30 Sep 2026 — 8 min read

Content warning: Discussion of rape and misogyny

*It’s important to name THAT but also this newsletter would be censored in your inbox if I did.

Another day, another story about a group of young men gang-raping a young woman. But this time, the story is gaining traction. Cornell University is in the news over an investigation into a group of fraternity brothers who (allegedly) raped an incapacitated young woman for seven hours.

A 2025 survey of students at the school showed 35% of undergraduate women and 8% of undergraduate men reported experiencing sexual assault during their time at Cornell.

The case of the 'Cornell 7' and the university's lacklustre response to the attack has been picked up widely on social media. Your child may have seen it. Many parents are likely breathing a sigh of relief that their son isn't like that. Their son would never do that.

With love and respect, I'd like to talk about how your son/s (and mine) will know boys and men like the Cornell 7. And 'not a rapist' is the lowest bar we can set for our sons.

Foundational to the Cornell 7 case is the leaking of a group chat. In the chat, boys discuss the young woman as the (alleged) rape is occurring - they're told there is 'Free Pussy' in the room, and the woman being (allegedly) assaulted is described as an 'open' 'shop'.

While attention is rightly on the seven young men who (allegedly) raped the young woman, we should also be talking about how many young men saw the group chat, knew the rape was happening, and did nothing or laughed.

We know how we'd want our sons to be in a scenario like this. Just one young man could have stopped this rape. What can we do to ensure our sons act?

A 2023 survey found that 16- to 29-year-olds hold more negative views about feminism than men over 60 - we have to act.

We have to have some hard conversations.

Here are some questions you can ask your son. This isn't just a one-off conversation. It's an ongoing, open dialogue, and the hope is that your son will keep coming to you with questions, to clarify beliefs, and to share concerns.

Use every opportunity at your disposal. Sure my 14-year-old rolls his eyes when I do this, but the proof is in the pudding - he's a kid that feels comfortable at this stage to speak up about misogyny.

Try the ‘hit pause’ option. If you’re watching a show together or listening to music and there is gendered violence or misogyny featured, hit pause and talk about it. Ask your kids open-ended questions and don’t judge their answers. Even if they say things like ‘Did they say things like that in the 1900s?’.

Questions we can ask to encourage conversation

Could we talk about the language in your group chat? How do boys talk about girls? How does it make you feel?
There's been a case in the United States where, in a group chat, they talked about a young woman being assaulted. What do you think happened when they said what they were doing? Do you think the boys who read it went to the room? Or the police?
What do you think you could or would say if you heard one of your friends talking about the girls in your school in a sexist or violent way?
What kind of things would you consider sexist or violent for a boy to say about a girl?
How do you know if a girl wants to kiss or have sex? What are some ways you might be able to tell she doesn't want to do anything sexual if she's not saying no?
Can you ever consent to doing sexual stuff when you're drunk or stoned?
What do you think it would look like if a girl was drunk or stoned? How could you tell she was drunk and couldn't say yes to kissing or sex?
Have you heard of any of this happening around your school or at parties?
What if it was your best friend behaving this way? Would you say something? How would you say it? Should we practice ways you could say something?
If you saw a girl was drunk or high, what could you do to keep her safe?

Tools we can encourage our sons to use

There are not enough studies about preventing sexual violence, but the evidence is still fairly clear - teaching your sons clear body boundaries, active consent, and emotional empathy from an early age helps.

What can this look like? Well, there are lots of ways you can teach boundaries and consent. Here are some tools parents can use, including some I have used myself.

Removing shame

Talking openly about sex and using the correct terms for genitalia is one way you can remove shame and secrecy from sexual intimacy. The good news is, you're probably already doing this by reading this post and deciding to have ongoing conversations with your sons.

The reason for this is fairly obvious. If your child can't approach you and ask you questions about sexual safety, they will get that information from somewhere else. And the "somewhere else" is the rest of world we live in, in which people are excusing and normalising the behaviour of boys like the Cornell 7.

Calling it as you see it

The 2024 study Understanding the Perspectives and Experiences of Male Perpetrators of Sexual Violence Against Women: A Scoping Review and Thematic Synthesis is one of the few studies where rapists were interviewed and their answers analysed.

Themes emerged when they provided excuses, and unsurprisingly, the feminists were right. These boys and men had swallowed myths about rape that exist everywhere in our culture and society.

Many of the themes echoed “rape myths” associated with patriarchal masculinity. Implicit in many of the themes were the allied notions that (a) the use of sexual violence by men is normal, expected, and a reasonable form of punishment; and (b) that women are objects and an appropriate vessel into which to release male sexual desire. These myths infused, for example, the “she deserved it” and “I couldn’t stop myself” themes.

I've written before about how the role models in a boy's life matter more than the screens he's on. But this is where the rubber really hits the road - if the men in their lives (their dads, stepdads, uncles, brothers, cousins) are not calling out rape myths and misogyny, boys will think it's acceptable.

Teach your son about consent and boundary check-ins. We do this in a few ways in our whare and they might be useful for you. Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa has an excellent free resource on this called Bodies, Boundaries and Being Me.

My husband will come to give me a hug in the kitchen while the kids are in the room and say, 'Can I give you a hug?' and I'll say, 'No, I don't want a hug right now'. Then I'll come over later and say, 'If you still want a hug, I can give you a hug now.' Sometimes he will say, 'No, I don't want one any more'; other times he will say, 'Yes, I still want a hug'. This teaches the boys that someone saying no isn't a big deal, that it needs to be respected, and that even long-term relationships require consent.
When snuggling watching TV we have taught our boys to say 'I don't want any more cuddles' - this has been important for our cuddle monster younger child to hear from his big brother. 'Do you still want cuddles?' is another one we employ. It helps me when I'm sick of being climbed over all day too.
We have an ongoing dialogue with other parents to make sure their child knows about boundaries too. Especially as the kids start dating. We talk about how - just because you're cuddling your girlfriend/boyfriend it doesn't mean you can touch them in other places without asking. Consent is ongoing - and most importantly, it's normal.
"This is your first time being a boyfriend - ask lots of questions" - we've done our best to normalise asking questions not just of us, but of any future 'special friends' (lol) that our son has. I'm well aware that thinking about your teenager having sex is slightly traumatising - but they are going to have sex at some point. We need to just deal with how we feel privately and get it together.

What will you do if?

This is an ongoing game we play with the kids. We ask them: What would you do if someone started crying while you were hugging them? What would you do if someone hugged you when you didn't want a hug?

We mix it in with things like: What would you do if there was a zombie apocalypse and ethical questions like 'what would you do if you found out your favourite band said something really racist'?

There are no wrong answers, but there are wrong answers. I mean, if our son said something like, 'If they were crying, I'd hug them harder.' We might say, 'I can see why you would want to give them even more comfort, but I think the best thing to do would be to stop hugging them and to ask some questions'.

If your teenager hates talking - try a journal. My husband and eldest son have a journal they pass back and forth because neither of them are yappers like me.

List safe people

We have a list for our boy of people he can call to talk to and they won't tell us what's said unless there's an immediate threat to his safety that they can't handle. This isn't just his grandparents, but also my best friend, his best friend's parents etc. I have given my phone number to some of his friends, and some have reached out about safety. I've been able to discuss this - with their permission - with their parents.

We can say - if you can't tell us, these are people you can tell.

Teaching them the No, Go, Tell rule

This is an action plan of what to do in a “not OK” touch situation.

No - Say no, very assertively, to the person touching them inappropriately.

Go - Get away from the person if possible.

Tell - Tell an adult (someone you have identified together as a safe person).

This obviously isn't a full list of how to tackle rape culture and protect others from sexual harm and violence. But these actions can help. As a community, we have to share every resource we can to do that - and I hope this will be a jumping-off point.

What do you do in your whare? What has worked for you? How do you feel about all of this? What are your worries and concerns and how are you tackling them? Please talk about it in the comments - this is a vital conversation we all need to have.