It's a War on Woke and you're not ready to fight, you commie

Following the declaration of states of emergency for Cyclone Vaianu, Wairoa Mayor Craig Little said our little country is "becoming woke".

Little, who arrived in Aotearoa on The New Zealand Company's first settler ship, the Aurora, in 1840, said Cyclone Vaianu was a "soyboy snowflake".

"And why does it have a marry name? Why can't it be Cyclone John? You don't get real man names anymore because of Chloe Swarbrick," Little yelled at a mailbox that he thought was a Radio NZ journalist.

You might think this is all entertaining but it's actually not. And if you followed Real Media not the lamestream fake media then you'd know this is deadly serious.

We are facing an epidemic of Woke in this country and experts on Woke (12-14 white men aged over 80 in the car park of their megachurch) say the next wave of Woke could kill hundreds of thousands.

"We need to heed the warnings," greyhound trainer and Woke expert Dick Johnson said on the phone to my husband because he didn't want to talk to a woman because "their brains are too small to understand how Woke works".

"The last Woke Wave saw Tory Whanau elected mayor of Wellington and that resulted in the deaths of 80,000 white men and caused our beautiful and sensual economy to crash. We now have the highest unemployment rate on record because of Woke."

Johnson says the entire medical fraternity are in agreement that it is not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’ we will face another Woke pandemic. By 'entire medical fraternity' he means the group of 600 men in the 'No Commie Greens 2020/The Platform Fans" Facebook group.

Steve Steveson, who works as a salesman at Philip Morris, agrees, "Woke is a contagion. It spreads from one woke Me Too lesbo to the next. One Toxic Wokester will declare that maybe you shouldn't care about somebody else's genitals when they go to the bathroom, and then you find there's 15 million beautiful, godly men dead".

"My mate Tony, he was a good man. A few small domestic violence charges but nothing bad, he was called a 'cis' I mean I think that's what they said, and he just dropped dead. Because of woke".

"My mate Shayne, he read The Spinoff once and he just exploded with rage. He had really struggled in life with CID, (Chronic Irrelevance Disorder) and he had three bitch ex wives and seeing a woman writing just literally broke him. And because nobody mourned him on account of how much of a punishing bore he was, it wasn't reported in the fake news media. Another death by Woke and the world moved on!" Steveson sobbed.

Leading crusader against Woke Winston Peters wasn't able to be contacted as he was on the frontlines of the War on Woke screaming at a 12 year-old in the street because her mum let her dye her hair purple. But the 67 kilogram tumour with hair and teeth attached to his neck said in a statement that it's important New Zealanders "are ready to sacrifice their children to fight in the war on Woke."

"We must all be ready to fight the insipid cancerous spread of the left-wing woke agenda. We must be ready to kill all of the half-acre, arrogant, elitist sycophants with soft hands who walk around in comfortable shoes," the growth said.

"First up we need to nuke the city centres full of well-to-do upper-crust bubbles, or woke-obsessed students and weirdos with purple hair. All of the pronoun Palestine anti-democracy socialist, communist, middle class, toxic, vaccine huffing, feminist lesbians must be destroyed".

So how can you defeat Woke?

First of all, commit. Understand that the first step is labelling everything you don't understand 'woke'.

Unsure how vaccines work? They're woke. Your colleague gets promoted even though she's a woman? Woke.

Angry about anything? It's woke. Price of petrol increase? Woke. Children won't talk to you for no reason at all? Woke. Bitch ex-wife got remarried? Woke. Expressing common decency to people who scare you because their skin is the wrong shade? The wokest.

Now that you know everything is woke, it's important to use the word woke whenever and wherever you can. Even if it makes no logical sense. Like if there's a cyclone and the cyclone isn't as strong as it was initially thought to be? It's woke.

Traffic lights are green and you hate the green party? Woke. You lose your TAB bet? Woke. Get banned from your child's school? Woke. Parking ticket? DUI? Driving while disqualified? Jailed for repeated traffic violations? Woke.

Recognise harm. When someone says 'kia ora' to you, remember: you are a Victim. Note down the harm that Woke has caused (may include funny tummy, sad pants, tantrums, conniptions, or receding hairline). If some feminazi at work spins out over you calling her sugar tits and saying she must be on her period, that's a Woke injury against you.

Fill out the form indicating where your injury lies on the Woke Injury Index - with 1 meaning "sleepy cheese dream" and 10 meaning "attending a protest against genocide" level of Woke - so that we can measure the rate of near-fatalities in the War on Woke.

Finally, be prepared to fight. Well, not you personally. But like, other people should definitely fight. You've got a fungal infection in your big toe so obviously you can't (and that's because of Woke). You'll do what you can.

Get ready to share some big memes on Facebook. Prepare to click that cry-laughing emoji on AI slop articles about electric cars. Make an account in the name of one of the kids that won't talk to you so you can get ten minutes of angry-gazing at your ex-wife's private Insta.

Most of all: don't question yourself! Don't be introspective! Don't learn things about others or hear their perspective! Because the opposite of Woke is - that's right - being a very sleepy boi. Live your life in a perpetual semiconscious daze. Narcolapse your way through every day. Become a Sleeple. Anything but Woke.

Division is the game, and everyone else is to blame. So ensure you're whipping everyone into a frenzy with endless, relentless commentary that rage baits and encourages conflict.

Never back down. Never apologise. Never think.

In Winston we trust. Amen. ZZZZZZZZ