Leaked recording of MP meeting on pay equity

You’re not going to believe this but another brown package arrived on my doorstep and you’d never guess it, but it was a leaked recording of a meeting between David Seymour, Brooke 'Aunt Lydia’ van Velden, Christopher Luxon and Winston Peters.

Of course, my mind was blown. Blown I tell you. So I had to share the transcript straight away. For the benefit of those who have climbed into a hole to live a peaceful existence underground free from Christopher Luxon verbally fellating Air New Zealand, I will recap the news for you.

Today, ACT (because let’s face it - ACT are running the show) stopped all current pay equity claims and under urgency made amendments to protect employers from women workers who keep bitching about their income and value.

The move will impact an enormous amount of women. It’s believed there are 33 current claims underway that will be scrapped. One is a a 13-year-long fight for recognition in aged care.

But don’t worry, they’re not important jobs. Just ‘nice to haves’ like nurses, teachers, social workers, support workers…You know, lady jobs for ladies.

If this is stressing you out, you’re not alone. The media advisor in the meeting recording I have was struggling a lot.

[Recording begins]

Media advisor: Kia or-

David Seymour: ENGLISH SPEAK ENGLISH!

Media advisor: I’m sorry David. Hello. Hello everyone I’m [redacted] acting as a media advisor for the pay equity decision.

Winston Peters: What are you?

Media advisor: I’m sorry?

Winston Peters: What have you got down there? Penis or vagina? Show me. Are you a woman? VAGINA? You got a vagina in there?

Brooke van Veldon: Can we please-

David Seymour: Did I give you permission to speak?

Brooke van Veldon: I’m sorry commander. Blessed be the fruit.

Christopher Luxon: I’m very relaxed.

Media advisor: Umm OK well I thought I’d just give some of the feedback we’re getting out there. It’s not looking good. The New Zealand Nurses Organisation chief executive Paul Goulter told RNZ that "Women in workforces predominantly performed by female employees have been underpaid and undervalued for generations. That is what pay equity claims seek to rectify. This move by the government will widen the pay gap between men and women."

Winston Peters: WOKE! He sounds like a sissy! A woke sissy!

Media advisor: The umm E tū

David Seymour: I told you, you need to speak English! Words that aren’t English words make my brain confused they make me scared do you want to scare me because I am scared now.

Brooke van Veldon: Do you want me to get you-

David Seymour: I told you to be quiet! You’re only here for optics! The sound of women upsets me a lot. I’m not used to it and it scares me.

Media advisor: Ok um let’s umm… the union national secretary Rachel Mackintosh told RNZ in a statement: "These changes are not about evidence - they are about saving money by keeping women underpaid”.

David Seymour: Is she having a period? Because I heard women have periods for about 12 months a year and it can make them mean. Women are always mean to me and my dad said it was periods.

Media advisor: Mr Luxon if you could…Oh you’re asleep. OK.

Winston Peters: This is all a bunch of hogwash. She’s having a fit of the vapours. Hysterical. That’s what happens when you get all these women working. In my day, the women just spent their time making the cave pretty. We used to use charcoal and ochre. Those were the days, I’m talking the end of the Cretaceous period, about 66 million years before the emergence of home sapiens and now all we have is homo sexuals! [Wheeze laughing is heard] Do you get it? Do you get it sugar tits?

Media advisor: I umm OK not sure how to I’ll just ahh move along the PSA national secretary Fleur Fitzsimons said the changes would make it "impossible for people in female-dominated professions to be paid fairly”. And that “women across the country will pay the price for this”. She also said: "The government's changes today are a dark day for New Zealand women” and umm they are saying they are "looking at avenues to oppose the changes. They called them “unconstitutional amendments and an attack on women”.

David Seymour: See, this is why I am doing it. I’ve had enough of girls being mean to me.

Media advisor: Please never say that publicly. It’s important to know that they have a protest organised already.

David Seymour: But if the ladies are protesting who is looking after the babies? Who is making the dinners? This is the problem isn’t it? They’re going to get ideas out there.

Media advisor: Can I speak frankly? With respect Mr Seymour, I’m not sure you’re the right person to front this?

David Seymour: Why? People love me don’t they?

[There is an eight minute silence].

Media advisor: I’m thinking the best choice for front-person is-

Winston Peters: The sheila obviously.

David Seymour: Do we have a woman in ACT?

Aunt Lydia Brooke van Veldon: Well, me. I am a woman.

David Seymour: You should tell them that. You should say "I'm a woman and I support women who work".

Media advisor: I would advise that you not say that. Can we get sign off from Mr Luxon? Can we wake him?

Winston Peters: We don’t need to wake him. We just do a ‘Weekend at Bernie's’ thing - prop him up for the press conference, pull the string on his back and he’ll say his lines. Watch this.

[There is a thud]

Christopher Luxon sounds alarmed and sleepy: What I’d say to you is- [soft snoring is heard]

Winston Peters: See?

David Seymour: Also, I can forge his signature and he doesn’t mind. As long as I buy him one of those little Air NZ planes to play with he lets me do what I want.

Media advisor: Can we check that we are legally allowed to abuse Parliamentary processes by forcing changes to the Pay Equity Act under urgency?

David Seymour: What’s a Parliamentary process?

Winston Peters: Gotta go, time for a brandy.

Media advisor: It’s 11am.

Winston Peters: Had my first one at nine this morning sweet cheeks.

[Recording ends]

In all seriousness, this is devastating news. I was thinking about how best to talk about this, when it’s just going to have such an awful, awful impact on the women of our country (and men - because pay equity claims also matter to men).

We are just going to repeatedly hear ‘this is saving the crown money’. And it’s just infuriating.

Why are aged care workers and nurses and teacher aides having to pay for David Seymour’s Treaty Principles vanity project that cost $6 million? Or National’s Big Tobacco payouts that cost $216 million?

Why do families of the hardest workers out there have to pay for landlord tax breaks at a whopping $2.9 billion?

I thought I’d leave you with the words of retired residential aged care worker Marianne Bishop -

“We’ve been fighting for 13 years. To have the rug pulled out from underneath us now is unbelievable. We thought we were going to get there – this just removes our road to fairness.”

Marianne says the impact on the care sector will be severe.

“This will make it even harder to get people working in aged care. People won’t go the extra mile anymore – why would they, if they’re not going to get paid fairly? This announcement is terrible for women and families now and in the future.”

Please please please become a paid subscriber because my husband is a teacher aide and today’s news is bloody awful.