New education policy: One useless politician in every classroom

A new education policy is gaining support from those who drafted it, formalised it and announced it. Education Minister David Seymour Winston Peters Nicola Willis Erica Stanford announced the policy to have a National, New Zealand First and/or ACT politician in every classroom to a packed room of National, New Zealand First and ACT politicians.

The policy follows teachers' requests for a teacher aide in every classroom to support the needs of neurodivergent, disabled, and diverse learners.

“The fact is, if you remove teachers, you no longer have anyone complaining about the government not funding education. So really, it’s a no-brainer,” Stanford said as she sat on David Seymour’s knee like a ventriloquist’s dummy.

“Teachers complain a lot, they want children to have good so-called learning environments, but teaching children costs money. If we replace teachers with one politician, we won’t have complaints, and we will save money”.

When it was pointed out that the salary of one MP was equal to that of two full-time senior teachers, Nicola Willis stated that funding would come from the teachers themselves.

“We have decided that each teacher will sell one kidney on the black market, and those funds will be paid directly from the organ trafficker to a sitting politician to compensate them for sitting in a classroom for two hours a day or however long school goes for”.

I interviewed Education Union president Joe King by phone about the policy. He screamed: “Please, help me! Please Erica Stanford has taken me hostage, and Winston Peters is yelling at me that consent isn’t real please ahhaghhh-”.

Then the line went dead, and five minutes later I received a call from Winston Peters who said, “I am the Union boss you were talking to before it is me not Winston Peters and I support this government and I hate trans kids”. 

The policy comes after the government retaliated against teachers for striking by stripping the Teachers’ Council of its powers.

Stanford abandoned a similar proposal earlier this year to move many of the Teaching Council's functions under her control following backlash from the education sector.

"Teachers should be the government,” Stanford said. “Yes, teachers might be trained and maybe they have studied education and are passionate about learning, but they’re also annoying because they always want stuff for kids”.

“If they know their place and know that speaking out about their concerns will lead to their registration being under attack, they’ll stop asking for things, and then I’ll be able to focus on my first love, which is denying humanitarian visas for starving Palestinian children.”

David Seymour said that under a new funding policy, teachers would fund charter schools run by politicians through a contract to lease out teachers for medical testing.

“Basically, we swap out teachers for those dogs with the long ears and scientists test on them, and the scientists pay us. Then we make a charter school. Now watch my dive…”

And with that, Seymour tried to dive into a pile of gold Scrooge McDuck-style before emerging immediately with a bloody nose. He was comforted by Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, who cradled him and sang ‘Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink’ as he tapped the side of Seymour’s pacifier.

The government announced six new charter schools at a cost of $5827 billion. These included The Chris Bishop School for Future Tobacco Lobbyists, The DS University for Right-Handed, Paleo Diet-Only Students with Libertarian Parents, a chain of kindergartens run by Christopher Luxon called Little Landlords, and an unnamed school to be housed in the rusting wreckage of the broken Aratere Interislander ferry.

The government also announced a continuation of its’ policy to remove any reference to Aotearoa’s official language Te reo Māori and any study into Te Ao Māori or recognition of Ti Tiriti o Waitangi.

Seymour, wimpering from Luxon’s lap, said: “Every politician in the classroom will have a cattle prod, and if a child even says kia ora, we will taser them, won’t we, daddy?”.

“Yes, we will, sweetie,” Luxon said, gently kissing Seymour on the forehead.

Counting the cost of the Coalition

Here's all a list of some achievements from the coalition government this week for you to share with your friends and whānau:

• The unemployment rate has risen to a nine-year high.
• The unemployment rate for young people aged 15-24 has risen to 15.2%, while the total not in education or training rose to 13.8%.
• In 2024, there was a net migration loss of 30,000 people from New Zealand to Australia – the largest since 2012.
• In the year ended June 2025, almost 72,000 New Zealanders moved overseas, while just 25,400 moved home. That's a net loss of 46,500 New Zealanders, according to Statistics New Zealand.
• Almost 200 businesses in Wellington have closed in the past year, driven by 10,000 public sector job cuts.
• The number of people contributing to KiwiSaver fell for the first time in the year to March 2025.
• More than 50,000 people made withdrawals from their KiwiSaver accounts due to hardship in the year to June. That's compared to about 18,000 five years ago.
• A third of New Zealanders have needed help accessing food in the past year.
• Food and travel costs both rose in the year to September 2025.

Share my stuff to your social network of choice!

Sharing my work helps me out more than anything (except for a paid subscription.) Just click/tap any of the buttons below and you can share the post to whatever social media site you like.