The Boyfriend Holding Pen needs to happen NOW
This is a good old-fashioned rant sparked by my fury over spending a small fortune to see my most favourite artist in the world and having to share space with the worst men in existence throughout it. If you're not up for that kind of rant - go in peace, my friend!!!! If you feel the need to reply 'nOt AlL mEn' - my tip is: don't.
I also don’t need to hear about how your boyfriend is a good one or how you are a man and you know how to behave as if that’s deserving of a cookie instead of just being the bare minimum.
Feel free to skip to the comments if you read this already in your email!
Instead of saying that you can just reflect on how so much of the time queer people have to be fully aware about the spaces they're in and how they’re being perceived and whether they’re making anyone ‘uncomfortable’ yet straight men are so endlessly secure (and entitled) in their acceptance by society that they make spaces intolerable for everyone else and seem to be oblivious to their behaviour and its impact on everyone else!! Just an idea!!! Of something to think about!!!
Love, Emily x
A 27-year-old queer woman from a country that is rolling back human rights for people like her says she is so scared in and out of her home. Her voice breaks.
“I didn’t quite realise how scared I was, until I got here and realised how calm I was, so thank you for that," she says.
All around me, queer people tear up, holding their hands to their hearts. They know this feeling. I hold hands with my girls, all of us feeling this moment of queer solidarity.
And then behind me a guy in a fucking Hallensteins tee shirt says in a booming voice because every fucking person has to hear his inane bullshit to his equally brain dead fucking loser mate: "BRO BRO have you played [insert fucking loser video game]?"
"Yeah BRO fucking bla bla I'm a fucking douchebag prick" his mate says in an equally loud voice because they genuinely think they're the only people who exist on the planet...
As Chappell Roan, a woman who has voiced the heartache and joy of so many queer women, begins singing a ballad about love and pain, they continue yelling at each other.
Their grunts are combined with another fucking dickhead who possessively holds his beautiful girlfriend and says: "I don't know any of these songs, can we go? This is boring".
It feels like all around me, women who are weighed down by the most mediocre men in existence are coping with comments like "I don't want to dance" and "Wanna go to the other stage?".
This was my Laneway experience. This was my entire time spent seeing a woman I adore, who has voiced so many of my inner thoughts, who has provided comfort, hope, solidarity, and joy to my community. The WHOLE time I had to listen to straight men being the worst humans in existence.
Every time we moved, we were surrounded by idiotic straight men. They were everywhere. Talking loudly, leering, being pigs, hassling their gorgeous girlfriends...
It was AWFUL.
It's truly the worst when queer audiences collide with straight men. This is why, in my humble opinion, Laneway Festival should have been better prepared, given the lineup was almost exclusively for girls, gays, and theys.
Here is what should have been organised:
A holding pen for boyfriends of straight women.
If you simply must bring your toxic boyfriend because you have no women friends, you must keep them on a leash. It is your responsibility to keep your pathetic boyfriend under control. If you cannot, put them in the holding pen.
I am not cruel. The holding pen could have things to entertain them. There could be a big TV with a video loop of men playing sports, there could be a PlayStation 5, there could be some kind of competition where they kick each other in the balls or set their farts on fire. And the pen could be small so they'd all accidentally be touching each other but in a #nohomo way because they are touch starved but too emotionally constipated to say so. Six60 could play!
It could be sponsored by Lynx or Culture Kings.
One strike rule for any straight men not in the holding pen.
If any straight men are not in the holding pen, they have one chance to behave properly around women. Rather than three strikes and you're out, it's one strike, and you're out. Two strikes and you're jailed for 22 years, and your sleeve tattoo of a lion, a rose, a compass, and a pocket watch is lasered off. Three strikes? You don't want to know Steve.
Compulsory lessons on queer culture and collective herstory.
Before being allowed into the festival, straight men should be required to learn about queer history and the importance of shutting the fuck up for five seconds.
They will be tested on etiquette around queer people before being allowed entry. For example:
You see a woman kiss her girlfriend, do you:
A) Take a photo
B) Openly salivate over them
C) Ask if they want a threesome
D) Punch yourself in the face until you knock yourself out if you can't act like a normal human being
A woman is talking, do you:
A) Talk over her, but louder
B) Ask your girlfriend if she wants to go [insert worst bar known to man]
C) Shut the fuck up for once in your fucking life
The grass is for girls, gays and theys.
If you want to watch Chappell Roan and you're a straight man who's not sure you can function like a normal human being, you should be on the steps behind the green. I'm not saying you can't watch just because you're straight.
You're allowed.
But you need to be kept away from the girls, gays, and theys so they can dance and sing without listening to commentary about Coldplay, craft beer and cricket.
In all seriousness, it's heartbreaking that, given the opportunity to experience true community and joy, straight men seemed unable to get it together at Laneways.
There's much talk about the Male Loneliness Epidemic, but it's hard not to see that as an obvious result of garbage behaviour. If straight men (yes, not all men, etc.) could just put their ego to the side and recognise they live in an ecosystem of many different people, and they're not at the centre, their lives would be more fulfilling.
Straight men are deeply deprived of platonic intimacy. They do not seem to have the ability to be close to other men in ways that bring profound joy and happiness. Not in the way the queer community and some straight women can.
The endless competition and need to be seen as an alpha means they're missing out on being truly known. To be known is to be loved. How different would our world be if men could recognise the harm the patriarchy does to them and just get out of their own way?
Ultimately though, and I mean this with as much disrespect as I can muster, that healing needs to be done away from me and my girlfriends when we are watching our goddess!!
GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!