The National Party Toxic Boyfriend excuse generator
In an effort to address the harm caused by the National Government to their partner (soon to be ex) The Women of Aotearoa, both parties attended a mediation session with a marriage counsellor. Here are the results.
Good evening. My name is Ethel. I’m a marriage counsellor as you know. Thank you both for coming in today. I know it can take a lot of courage to start this process, so I really appreciate you being here. Where would be the best place to star-
The National Government: She’s being hysterical.
The Women of Aotearoa: You took years of my work and flushed it down the toilet and now my ability to be recognised in my job and paid what I’m worth is impossible. I have a right to be upset.
The National Government: Babe, just calm down.
The Women of Aotearoa: I am calm.
The Marriage counsellor: Let’s start at the beginning shall we?
The National Government: She called me a cunt out of nowhere. There was literally no reason to call me a cunt. I had not done anything to anyone. Certainly nothing that would be described by the average New Zealander as cunt behaviour.
The Marriage counsellor: And your feelings were hurt?
The Women of Aotearoa: I didn’t call him a-
The National Government: It actually did more than hurt my feelings! It’s actually far worse what she did, calling me a cunt, than what I did. I made a small change to your future that will reverberate for generations and will mean you will forever toil away in an industry that is woman-dominated for less pay than what you’re worth and never be recognised for that work in the same way men would be in male-dominated fields and I did throw all your work away, decades of work, just so that I could make sure my friend who is a slumlord could buy a Tesla which he has to be able to do because if you even care he has a weird dick and feels self conscious about it…And anyway, the change that is barely a change is very small. Just a minor change to minor legislation.
The Women of Aotearoa: It isn’t minor. You sold my future to pay for more cigarettes and your friend’s absurd need to accumulate more money because he’s embarrassed about his weird dick.
The National Government: Listen, babe, just chill out, it’s actually the worst thing anyone can ever do - calling someone a cunt that’s worse than anything. You wouldn’t understand but it’s actually gendered abuse? It’s abusive and you’re an abuser and a misogynist and a woman hater.
The marriage counsellor: OK if we can just take a breath here-
The National Government: I’m breathing she’s not breathing. She’s lying.
The Women of Aotearoa: What have I lied about?
The National Government: All of it everything you say that isn’t in full agreement with me is a lie.
The Women of Aotearoa: Specifically though what did I lie about?
The National Government: You’re lying now.
The Women of Aotearoa: How? How is what I’ve said a lie?
The Marriage counsellor: Let’s just look at the facts National Government. The Women of Aotearoa have expressed to you that they’re upset that you made a life changing decision on their behalf without allowing them the chance to give feedback on that decision and they are upset that that decision will make their lives worse and the lives of their daughters worse.
The National Government: That’s a lie.
The Marriage counsellor: National Party, do you agree that this space only works if we’re being honest with each other? If something feels difficult to say, we can work through that, but honesty is essential for progress.
The National Government: Yeah whatever. Babe, listen you don’t need to be hysterical this isn’t a big deal. Are you on your period?
The Women of Aotearoa: I just want you to answer a few questions that’s all.
The National Government: I’m an open book.
The Women of Aotearoa: You said that this will have no impact on my income. But you also said it is saving billions of dollars. And your boss David Seymour said it saved the budget. So which is it?
The National Government: What I’d say to you is it’s a minor change to existing legislation.
The Women of Aotearoa: Can you just answer the question?
The National Government: I did. It’s your ex’s fault. They shouldn’t have made you believe you could get paid your worth when they knew you’re a woman.
The Women of Aotearoa: If you won’t answer that question can you just tell me why you did this so quickly? Without a plan? Without talking to me? Right before we were going to go over how much you’d spent and what we were going to spend money on in the future? Because that is sus.
The National Government: Let’s get a few things straight. Nothing has changed.
The Marriage Counsellor: I think it would be helpful if you could try to answer the questions you are asked in the spirit of transparency and integrity-
The National Government: Her ex wants to-
The Women of Aotearoa: Why are you always talking about my ex? You’re my current partner, you’re the one who has done this to me.
The National Government: This is gendered abuse and I’m actually a feminist.
The Women of Aotearoa: Can you please be honest? You spent too much of our cash giving your already rich friends our money, so you took income from me that I would have earned, to make sure you could still give your friends more than they will ever need.
The National Government: She called me a cunt. Did you hear that? A cunt! She said I was a cunt and a Nazi.
The Women of Aotearoa: I didn’t call you a cunt or a Nazi. People I don’t even know called you that.
The National Government: DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE A FEMINIST WHO IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE A SMALL CHANGE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN AND ISN’T EVEN REALLY A CHANGE OR ANYTHING EXCEPT IF IT IS A CHANGE IT IS BECAUSE OF YOUR EX WHO IS ALWAYS TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING-
The Marriage Counsellor: Let’s slow things down. When voices get louder, it's harder to actually connect. Can we take a moment to reset?
The National Government: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A CUNT? I am not talking about this anymore. You are all lying liars. I did nothing wrong. If I did, which I didn’t, then it’s her ex’s fault. And it’s her fault for being hysterical about it. This is all lies and misinformation. And I’m leaving.
The Women of Aotearoa: Do you see what I have to put up with?
The Marriage Counsellor: In my forty years working in this job I’ve never said this but yeah you have to dump his ass.
I would never spend your money on a Tesla for a guy with a weird dick. It will be going toward rent and food! Yay!
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