This Christmas make your own rules

I adore Christmas, but I always found it stressful until we started changing the way we do things to better support our youngest child.

We thought we were changing things for him, but really, throwing the social norms out the window has been great not just for us, but for our extended whānau too.

I thought I would share these lessons from my nine-year-old to help you have a better Christmas.

Obviously, not all of these will be things you can do in your whare. But I really think that even adopting one thing might help.

So, let's go!

Set roles for Christmas

My son loves everyone to have a role and everyone to be clear about what their role is. This way, he knows precisely what is expected of him, and he can negotiate doing things that fill his cup, rather than things that overwhelm him.

Since we’re adults, chances are we will have to do some things over Christmas that do not fill our cups. Like putting children to bed who are overtired, overstimulated, and overexcited.

But we can focus on what will be the least stressful thing for us. Doing this helps remove resentment, too. For example, in our whare, my husband does all of the cooking because my attention span is terrifyingly short, and so I burn everything. I do all the gift-buying and wrapping. My eldest’s job is to get all the Christmas wrapping, put it in the bin, set the table, and load the dishwasher. My little one’s job is to hand out presents and Christmas crackers, and to play Christmas songs (if he has the capacity).

Work out everything that has to be done, then try to equitably give everyone jobs (not equal, equitable - as in some folks won’t have big jobs because they’re small humans or elderly humans).

Many of us have had interactions with family members who love to claim they ‘do everything’ and ‘nobody helps me’ as you desperately try to help them. It’s infuriating, and a roles list stops this from happening.

As they say, many hands make light work - and even if you’re having a small Christmas, just knowing what is your responsibility (and what isn’t) can help.

Know when you’re done

The best thing my kid taught me is that at any social event, you can leave at any time and you don’t have to give a reason. You can just be done!

My youngest is the master of ‘I’ve had a very nice time, and I’m finished now’.

Some neurotypicals might think this is rude but it’s actually the opposite - it’s clearly stating that you have had a good time but your social tank is empty and it’s time to go.

It stops meltdowns, adult tantrums, hours and hours of unwanted socialising, and exhaustion.

If you’re hosting at home, you have two options when you’re done -

1. Say - ‘It has been so lovely to have you all here. We have takeaway plates on the bench do you want to grab one as you leave’. You can even say - ‘I’m hoping to start my Christmas nap in half an hour’ if you feel like you need to get folks out faster.
2. Say - ‘I’m going to go to my room for a nap, feel free to help yourself to any food or have a snooze on the couch’.

Trust me, you might think people will be shocked by this but actually, every time my son has said ‘everybody has to leave now’ everyone has been fine with it. Everyone leaves on a high.

So many people have told me it’s actually really nice to have a hangout that’s only a few hours long.

You shouldn’t have to entertain people for eight hours! And if you’re staying with them, normalise going off to your room for a kip or to read a book (more on this below).

Just make sure you don’t leave one person with all the clean up - check your roles!

You don’t have to eat everything (or anything) offered

You can decline food with a ‘no thank you’ and not give a lengthy re (or any reason why).

You can also bring your own food.

You don’t have to explain why your child will only be eating popcorn for lunch. You don’t have to explain why you’re only eating popcorn for lunch. You don’t need to explain why you’re vegan or vegetarian.

If you’re struggling with unwanted comments about your child - a phrase we have used before is: “let’s just enjoy our kai without commenting on who is eating what and why - it makes our meal together better if we’re kind to each other”.

In our whare, the only rule is that you’re polite. You say ‘No thank you’ if you don’t want something, and you don’t yuck somebody’s yum. We also tell our tamariki that they can’t dictate what's on the table, and they don’t have to eat at the table if the food that’s on it is stressing them out. But they do need to be polite about it. Our youngest is a vegetarian, and we have spent a long time teaching him not to lecture our guests and us about meat and how disgusting he thinks it is.

Everyone has the right to eat what they want. And everyone has the right to not sit at the dinner table. But you should always show respect to the chef and thank them for their efforts, even if you’re not eating.

It’s not all on you.

You are not responsible for making Christmas magic or calming any situation. You don’t have to be the peacemaker - you can simply opt out.

Whenever my son senses tension between two people, he leaves.

He’s literally never felt the need to get involved in anything, and sometimes thinks I’m nuts if he sees me try to be a peacemaker. It’s in my nature to get involved in things, and I’m working on stopping that because it always makes me miserable.

He knows that calming himself can be hard sometimes, so he doesn’t take on the job of calming other people. This is a good lesson.

When families haven’t seen each other for a long time, sometimes weird shit can just come out - let them have at it with each other, and go hang out with a dog or a baby. It’s not your job to be everything and do everything.

Unfortunately, it's your job to calm your own children lol. Pain in the arse but an exception to this rule.

You can say: “I don’t want to talk about that, I want to talk about the French Revolution”

My son has probably never had a conversation he didn’t want to have. Whereas I’ve sat through the most painful Christmas conversations ever from drunk racist uncles and anti-vaxx conspiracy theorist cousins.

Let me tell you, there’s nothing more liberating than watching my child walk around saying ‘I don’t want to talk about that I want to talk about the population projections for Columbia’. He will literally always find the one person at a BBQ or gathering who also wants to talk about how Portugal’s Carnation Revolution was started by 'E Depois Do Adeus' their 1974 Eurovision entry playing on Lisbon radio.

He will always have a better time than I. He will be just out there talking about how the Basenji is the only barkless dog in the world, and I’ll be with some Winston Peters fan boy bootlicker asshole simmering with resentment. The bootlicker will be living his best life knowing his family never gives him this much attention, and I’ll just be burning with rage, waiting for the chance to escape.

Nothing is worse than listening to someone you can’t stand talk about a subject that infuriates you. So we shouldn’t do it!

Learning to just say ‘Let’s change the subject’ has been great for me. I highly recommend it.

You can take a book!

Or knitting. Or whatever you like. If your presence is required or requested at Christmas, it means whoever is hosting wants you there.

‘Being there’ doesn’t mean you need to overexert yourself socialising all day.

You can sit on the couch reading once you’ve had a catch-up. Or you can go into another bedroom for a bit to scroll through your phone or play a game if you need a few minutes to yourself. You can do whatever you need to do to calm yourself if you’re feeling overwhelmed or if it’s too loud.

If you’re feeling like you’re done but you can’t leave, it’s OK to just tap out quietly with a book or go for a walk on your own. Just make sure the chores you’re responsible for are done!

If you have kids, it’s totally OK to say: “The kids are exhausted, so they’re going to watch a movie on their screens in the bedroom”. We always have movies downloaded or a favourite book on hand so they can have some alone time.

Remember, it’s just a day

‘Christmas is a Wednesday’ is something my youngest told me when I was stressing last week.

‘Boxing Day is a Thursday, New Year's Eve is a Tuesday. And New Year's Day is a Wednesday, OK?'

OK.

Christmas Day is just a day. If you are able to be with your family, that in itself is enough and a blessing. At a time when there’s so much pain in the world, we are lucky to get to be able to be together on Christmas Day.

But it’s also just a day. If it doesn’t go well, or you have to work, or you have Covid (like we did last Christmas) - it’s OK. It’s just a day.

You can have Christmas lunch on any day of the week.

Christmas Day is just a Day. Don’t let anyone turn it into The Most Important Day of The Year. It’s just a day, and we’re lucky to get to share a day with each other.

Meri Kirihimete and good luck - I'd love to hear what you do to lessen the stress on Christmas Day!

Love Emily (and the kids)

A version of this post has been published before - I hope you liked this updated version. x

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