Thank you Wētā for making a f*ckable basket

Emily Writes

05 Aug 2026 — 5 min read

Got wood?

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WARNING: This post contains THIRST. For a BASKET MAN. It's possible this makes me a BASKET CASE. Which is to say this is a classic Emily Writes THIRST POST that is deeply SILLY and if you're not into that consider yourself TOLD and STOP READING IMMEDIATELY unless you want to hear me groaning with the AGONY of DESIRE for WICKER ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD. I'll be SERIOUS for a minute because I've had a lot of UNSUBSCRIBES where people say things like I DON'T WANT THIRST POSTS I WANT POLITICS and then I write a politics post and people unsubscribe saying NO I WANT THIRSTING AND SEX ONLY and all I want is for people to KEEP SUBSCRIBING so I can BUY FOOD so if this piece gets you all (WOOD)WORKED UP PLEASE CONSIDER a paid subscription or a Koha to offset the people who will INEVITABLY HATE IT and wooden even let a SMOKING WICKER man give them a DICKING hotter than the SURFACE of the SUN 🌞 🚨 🍆 🪵 🥵 💦
Arohanui, EMILY

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It was only a few seconds after the trailer went live that I began being sent it. How could I not be sent it? As Aotearoa's (perhaps the world's?) leading Alexander Skarsgård thirst authority, I felt a disturbance in the Horny on Main force as soon as the trailer appeared.

Alexander Skarsgård as The Wicker Husband - a sentient basket man who f*cks like a champ? This was made for a freak like me. And by the looks of it, I'm not alone.

Wicker has been embraced by impassioned women (and some men) the world over. Based on the short story The Wicker Husband by Ursula Wills-Jones, it tells the story of an 'ugly girl' (Olivia Coleman) who asks a weaver to make her a husband. The husband (Alexander Skarsgård) is huge and perfect.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the basket man looking like Alexander Skarsgård is a huge part of the appeal of Wicker, but also - is it surprising that so many women in the year of our lord 2026 want to take a break from scaling fish to be railed by a wood man who breaks and then fixes the bed?!?

Can Joe Rogan et al continue to complain of a Male Loneliness Epidemic when we are out here horny for a jacked deck furniture? What does it mean when women would rather be dicked down by a sentient basket than a straight man?

Let's not think about that too much?

'The wicker husband didn't eat, and never complained that his dinner was late. He only drank water, the muddier the better' - The Wicker Husband, Ursula Wills-Jones

they heard me talking about Alexander's V so they made his wicker costume entirely out of Vs, glorious consummate Vs, and this is exactly why our generation needs media literacy, look at all those Vs glaaargh

With the tagline -"a hard man is good to find"- it seems the marketing team responsible for Wicker promo knows exactly what they're doing. And can I just say, having only just recovered from Brat Summer, I am very ready for Basket Summer.

Lately it feels like there's not a lot to be proud of as New Zealanders. But now, finally, we have an export that makes a meaningful contribution to the world: The Sexy Wicker Suit.

Yes, that's right! Wētā Workshop made the horny basket suit and I live in Te Whanganui a Tara, home of Wētā Workshop, so really, I am part of this. This is my success too. It's as if I personally touched Alexander Skarsgård's wicker nips.

According to The Tribune, Wētā Workshop developed a three-layer, 3D-printed prosthetic shell shaped to Skarsgård’s body (!!). It was made with genuine wicker weaving applied over the surface, and minor CGI compositing to make the character appear hollow through the gaps in the weave.

We specifically have Joe Dunckley and Sarah Rubano for the painfully arousing suit. And it also has the Skarsgård tick of approval: "Most male actors dream of playing Hamlet at some point in their career. I never did,” he told Entertainment Weekly.

“My dream was always to have nipples made out of wicker. Thanks to our wonderful directors, Eleanor [Wilson] and Alex [Huston Fischer], and the brilliant artists at Weta in New Zealand, my dream has finally come true.”

For her part, Olivia Coleman knows our thirst and embraces it too: "Alex is funny, intelligent, and beautiful anyway—in the wicker costume, he’s breathtaking. Everything is exaggerated; he’s a work of art. Alex fills the Wicker Husband with a beautiful soul.”

I can't wait to get acquainted with that soul when Wicker comes out. If you hear me audibly groaning at any wickussy shots, no, you didn't. I need this. We need this.

Horny homo hockey move over, it's time for Sensual Straw Sessions. We're going horny harakeke, we're swapping basket cases for actual baskets. We're not choosing the bear; we're choosing the bushel.

So, there you have it. There's still a reason to live. There's still hope in this world. November can't come soon enough (for a number of reasons), and neither can I.