Coalition Government announces crackdown on floodwaters
The Coalition Government is finally forcing floods to "move on", by passing new laws of physics.
by Josh Drummond, Political Opinionist
April 22, 2026 – After record floods hit Wellington and everywhere else in New Zealand for the thousandth time in three months, the Coalition Government is announcing a crackdown on climate.
"People have had enough of floodwaters sleeping rough on the doorsteps of their businesses, and rain coming inside whenever it feels like it," slammed Shane Jones, Minister for Fossil Fuel and Fishing Companies. "And unlike the soft-handed bleeding-heart shoe-wearing Green-voting wokesters who love floods, this government is doing something."
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The Government passed new urgency under legislation last night, hitting floods that occupied business premises without permission with instant fines. Errant waters that were fined multiple times would be jailed, Jones said. "We have several Olympic-sized maximum-security pools set up at Paremoremo," Jones threatened. "We say this to any incongruent water molecules making unwelcome massed appearances on law-abiding premises: we are ready for you."
Prime Minister Chris Luxon told talkback hosts that he expected "plenty of pushback" on the beefed-up legislation to "move on" floods.
"Just because water has always gone wherever it wants doesn't mean it can keep doing so under this government," he said. "But the bigger issue is Chuck and Mary coming in on their once-in-a-lifetime trip to New Zealand on a cruise ship, possibly not for a while because of the whole Straits of Hormuz thing, but after that all blows over, they're walking around downtown and getting intimidated because some flood is on the doorstop of a shop they're trying to get into, dampening them, splashing them, carrying them away at last into the blessed depths of the ocean."
"Right now, flooding a shop or carrying away a bridge isn't an offence under legislation, but it will be. The police want these powers," he added.
Beat cop Richard Tracy agreed with the crackdown. "I know a lot of these shopkeepers, these individuals," he said. "We'll use our judgement. We'll use our tools. Any floods try to get in someone's shop or home and" – he waved his truncheon arrestingly – "splash!"
A spokesperson for the New Zealand Police said they could not rule out officers using tasers or firearms on especially unruly waters.
Government ministers warned the second 1-in-100 year downpour in the last thirty minutes that "this is just the beginning."
Also slated for punishment were high winds and tides.
"We don't put up with it when climate protesters close bridges and motorways," said David Seymour, Minister for the Atlas Network. "So why should we allow cyclones to close these crucial economic corridors?"
'We're not going to stand for King Tides either," Seymour added. "Hard-working Kiwi business owners have had enough of a minority of tides being given extra rights by the Moon's gravitational pull."
To show that the government was serious about the new laws of physics, Prime Minister Chris Luxon held a media standup during a cloudburst in a floodplain that had recently been cleared for fast-track development.
"Look, what I'd say to you is," said Luxon, addressing the floodwaters. They crept up to his ankles, overflowing his comfortable shoes.
"We can't afford a spill right now," he said. The floodwaters rose still higher, up to his knees, soaking his suit. "Go back, King Tide!" he commanded. "We're a democracy in this country."
The flood got up to the awkward bit in his crotch and made Luxon go "eek!"
"We've had enough of bottom-feeders," he said to the fish swimming around his legs.
The floodwaters rushed past him, flowing over his belt, buoying his suit jacket. "Let's align all our big rocks to the gates of implementation and operationalise our mission creep to key performance indicators," he added.
The floodwaters just kept rising. The fish didn't say a word.
"We're going to be delivering timely, targeted, temporary support for people affected by the floodbakalallalallbbbllbbbl," Christopher Luxon said, as the floodwaters swept over his bright naked head and carried him away to the blessed ocean depths, where there was peace, and a total absence of questions about polls and leadership.
At long last, there were only the shiny, silent fish.
Emily Writes
Helpful links and ways to help
Support the emergency worker's petition for an inquiry into Fire and Emergency New Zealand. They allege terrible mismanagement on the part of FENZ, leading to a lack of staffing and resources necessary to keep the New Zealand public safe - such as no new fire appliances making it to stations for eight years.
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Floodwaters are incredibly hazardous - even once they've receded. If you have been affected by floods, Health New Zealand has important information on cleaning up safely.
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