Posted on March 3, 2019
A few film reviews
Films I have seen (was meant to be dispatches as well but FUCK WORDPRESS).
On The Basis Of Sex: It seems quite anti-feminist to point out that Armie Hammer is so aggressively attractive in this film that I actually squirmed in my seat in an extremely public manner. But here I am. Because absolutely without control of my senses while watching this film I said out loud: Fucking Hell when he was shown wearing sunglasses? I mean Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a badass and thank goodness for feminism. But also, if you’re going to cast someone to offensively hot – well, you know what you’re doing don’t you. 15 stars out of a possible 16 stars. Would have given one more star if my husband agreed to wear silk Pyjamas but instead he just looked at me and said “Are you high?” It’s a very good film though. Way less grim than you’d think it would be.
Colette – I really wanted to like this film. I was super excited about seeing it because the trailer looked super thirsty and period dramas with dames hooking up and wearing suits is my fave genre. But it’s honestly like 1500 hours long and though the story itself is super interesting it really needs….an editor. And yes, that’s a pun about writing. And yes, I need an editor. But also, I was watching it like GOD THIS IS LONG then Keira Knightly would be pashing a hot lady or a trans guy and I’d be like WOW THIS IS GOOD but then it would stop and go back to this like endless storyline about how men are terrible and like, homie I already knew that. Would I look good in a jaunty straw hat?C
Mary Queen of Scots: I spent a great deal of my history classes quite drunk. We used to go to Zibbos on a Wednesday night and dance all night and then go to school the next day stinking of booze and smokes and probably sex after dancing to Ludacris and/or EVE and/or that one P-Money album. Point being I didn’t know anything about these queens so I quite enjoyed this. If enjoy is the right word – it’s grim. Everyone is all like QUEEN! You’re a QUEEN these days but I’m quite happy not to be because I don’t want small pox or syphilis all over my face you know. Margot Robbie and Impossible Name Irish actress are quite incredible as they always are. Some scenes gave me goosebumps. And if you don’t know you’re history it’s all a surprise twist ending right?
Vox Lux: Look I don’t know. This film is intense and thinks it is maybe a little bit more clever than it actually is but I am bisexual and it’s in our contract that we support everything Natalie Portman does when she has a butch haircut. It has a randomly violent opener if you’re like me and hate randomly violent things. Jude Law looks like that old guy you had sex with when you were a teenager in a hotel room and years later when you grew up and knew your worth you said – What the fuck, how lucky was that guy to have sex with me?
Green Book: Did I ever write a review about this? I can’t even remember. It’s not a memorable film. I know it won best actor but I mean I only think the acting was good – the story itself is very white saviour. Afterward I Googled Viggo Mortensen and could not at all believe that he wasn’t Italian so there you go. Mahershala Ali is perfect but he always is. See Moonlight instead.
Bohemian Rhapsody: Not gay enough.
Isn’t it romantic?: I enjoyed this more than I should have which annoys me because I wanted to be all: this sucks so much. That’s not to say there isn’t stupid fat girl jokes the whole way through it (I won’t blame Rebel for this because I imagine she gets far worse scripts and a girl’s gotta work). It has a Hemsworth in it so I mean that probably elevates it a half dozen points. And Pryanka Choprah who is Pryanka Choprah. So that’s probably another 10 points. I don’t know, it’s fine if you have your period and you’re eating potato salad straight from a giant bowl. Minus 25 points for a bad Australian accent.