The things we said in the car on the way home from Assassin’s Creed

I went to Assassin’s Creed with my movie bestie Chris. Neither of us have seen the video game. The basic plot of the movie is that Michael Fassbender is a crim who killed a pimp and his mum died or something he gets attached to a big machine that sends him to fight olden day baddies and find an apple, they need to protect the apple from the Catholics. Also probably from other people. Like everyone. They are Assassins and they have a creed which is where the name comes from.

Here is an abbreviated version of what we said in the car on the way home.

I don’t understand what happened what did she say at the end I didn’t understand I was very focused on her lipstick through most of the movie

I didn’t understand most of that

Why would they not look there for the apple because that seems like such an obvious place for the apple to be

It took one hour and three minutes for Fassy to take his top off

And then it was like eh but he fought for at least 30 minutes with no top on

And there was no reason for him to take his top off to fight

But it’s very good that he did

He knows his audience

He produced it that’s why he did that pose like Thor and had the camera do a 360 around his body with the arms

This bit

What about the tracksuit pants when he was walking did you see

yes I saw

yeah ya did

He wore the hell out of the trackpants

More than the arms actually the trackpants were very great

He’s a starter kit for Alexander Skarsgard he’s definitely not Alexander Skarsgard though he’s like if you’re too intimidated by the V go for Fassy

It’s Marion Cot-li-mmm-Cot-li-arhmmarr

Marion Cotillard

her lipstick was really great and her suits

Yeah she looked really boss

But if you wore a silk blouse it would look very 90s

Her haircut definitely changed half way through because I liked her hair

I liked that they actually spoke Spanish in the flashback scenes

Was it set in Spain?


What about the horse

Like how did it get up there

The whole time was like how did they get up there

It was like medieval parkour

The clothesline like you cannot jump in a clothesline like that

Was his mum his girlfriend also his mum


No I thought that but no it wasn’t

I thought it was kind of incest because what about the dad

I don’t know what happened

What about when they put on the hoods and it was like everyone will know you’re the assassins creed because you’re wearing hoods but then everyone was wearing hoods so it was fine

And then like it was all white people going to ruin everything like that is not a deviation from current 2017

It wasn’t that bad

Better than Suicide Squad

Good for a Tuesday night

Definitely didn’t understand a large amount of it

He got quite sweaty

I’m going to have to look up what actually happened

There will be a sequel

Just because they could doesn’t mean they should

When I got home I had this message from Chris:

Also does it make me some kind of next level feminist that it seems to be quite the turn on for me when guys cry

Also he winced when he got an epidural harden up


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2 Comments on “The things we said in the car on the way home from Assassin’s Creed

  1. As usual…..the perfect movie review….I shall see NO movie before reading your reviews…..especially when it involves males that appear to be hot but might not actually be hot…except in track pants or something like that….