Posted on May 1, 2016
THE MOST EXCITING NEWS
So I have the most exciting news ever. I’m so excited. And nervous. And scared. And it’s huge. And I never thought it would ever happen. But it has happened. Out of the blue!
And I know I’m making it sound like a baby. It’s not a baby. Though it will be a long gestation.
But it kind of is a baby – in terms of, it’s going to be hard work and there’s a high chance of vomit. But also I’ll be able to wave it around and say “Look what I made”.
I have a book deal. With an actual real publishing company. Like a real, proper one. Penguin Random House. Like seriously. The real Penguin Random House. Not some random person who changed their name by deed poll to Peguin-Random House so they could find unsuspecting, saddo mummy blogger and convince them that they have a book deal only to say: HA! FOOLED YOU I’m not even a super respected and fancy publishing house. I’m just a guy in a fedora who hated your post about child-haters and I wanted to get you back!
Nope, it’s real.
See this is me being a real person signing a real book deal for a real book that is going to be printed in real life that you can really buy.
Please buy it!
When it comes out. Which won’t be for a while.
I honestly can’t quite believe my luck. And I did the ugliest crying face ever when I got the call. And then every subsequent call since has resulted in more ugly crying.
And even though it’s really real and I’ve signed a contract I still feel like someone is going to say – Oh sorry, we confused you with someone else. NO BOOK FOR YOU.
I’ve dreamed about writing a book since I could write. As a kid I used to write books and make everyone read them. Then as a teenager I wrote really insufferable poetry and made everyone read it.
Like the blue ocean.
Cry for you.
Only Blink 182 knows my soul.
I am in a hole.
As deep as the ocean.
Of my eyes.
And then as a journalist in my 20s all of my dreams were crushed and I realised I was never going to amount to anything and I accepted it. #livingthedream
And then I had a kid and really accepted that I’m never going to write a book because brushing my hair was hard enough. #blessed
And then I had another kid. And I was like THIS IS REALLY IT I AM A CORPSE.
And then one day at 3am I wrote a blog post. And some of you read it. And so I kept writing. And you kept reading. And then just over a year later I got a call. And a little bit after that I signed a contract.
And now I’m here.
And it’s because of you. There’s no way I’d have a book deal if it wasn’t for all of you reading my posts and sharing my posts and saying “you should write a book”.
I am so grateful (funny – considering that first post) and I want to hug you all and say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
You make me feel less alone. You make me feel strong. You make me a better parent. You show me a different perspective. You encourage me. You cheer me on. You mop up my tears. And you laugh with me.
You’ve built this community and I often lose my breath at the kindness and care for me and other mums that I see in the comments on here and on Facebook. We are rejecting this mummy wars bullshit and saying – actually, we care about each other and we’re our own damn village.
I want to buy you all wine. And chocolate.
I am a mess of gratefulness.
I am ugly crying.
I just want to say some other thank yous if you don’t mind?
Thank you to my Patreon patrons and everyone who has ever donated money to keep me writing. Without you I wouldn’t still be writing. That’s it. You’re everything.
Thank you Twitter – Y’all were the ones who said “write a blog” and then you read it, and shared it and were SO NICE. And you’ve always had my back and I couldn’t list all the kind and generous and kind and lovely and kind stuff you’ve done for me and my whānau over the years because it is TOO MUCH KIND STUFF there literally isn’t enough time to list all the things.
Thank you to my coven – you girls give me life and make me feel like there’s nothing I can’t do.
Thank you to my friends and family who were not weird about the fact that I suddenly got outed as a mummy blogger a few months back. I know I didn’t tell you (this is me telling you). And I know it’s particularly weird for those of you who sent me my own posts and where like “you’ll like this woman she’s totally unhinged”. Look, it’s just awkward and I didn’t know how to be like oh, so umm, I accidentally became a mummy blogger…I just figured it could be that thing that I do that we never talk about. It can still be that.
Thank you to everyone who has ever paid me or offered to pay me for my writing or for speaking events. It’s because of you that I’ve been able to keep writing. I appreciate that this is an industry where lots of people think it’s OK to force writers to work for free. I’m grateful you reject that ridiculous and offensive model.
Thank you to my LT for telling me it’s OK I’m going to be OK. And for telling me I’m not as much of a mess as I think I am (even if it’s not true).
Thank you to my MIL for helping me DO this last year with all of its ups and downs – thank you isn’t really enough. And thank you for never reading the blog.
Thank you to Lynley for making me work and Chris for making me werk.
Thank you to my sister for always caring.
Thank you to my kids for being good material. No really, I hope this blog and the book serve as love letters to you from me. You’re my world and you know it. Because I never stop telling you that. Because it’s true.
Eddie you’re a delightful unicorn and I can’t believe how lucky I am that I get to be your mum. Ronnie you need to sleep and then I will like you more (I’m joking sort of – you do really need to start sleeping because you’re 15 months old, but you’re very cute and cuddly and I have loved watching you develop from a ham shaped boy to a boy shaped ham).
Thank you to my husband – for everything. Every single thing. I love you and I’m sorry that sometimes people call you Mr B in the street and it drives you crazy. I’m sure that won’t happen anymore. I’ve loved you since we were kids and I love you even more now that we have kids.
Thank you to every single person who has actually read a column on the internet before writing a response to it.
Thank you to every single person who has resisted the urge to give a tired parent sleep advice.
Thank you to Anika Moa for Songs for Bubbas 2.
Thank you to everyone who is nice to children and mothers.
Thank you to The Rock.
Thank you to cheap wine at Pak’n’Save.
Thank you screen time for being such an excellent co-parent.
Thank you to Beyoncé for being an inspiration to us all.
Now I have to go and actually write this book.
YES AN ACTUAL BOOK.
I love you.