All the shitty takes in one go

Tired of the shit emails and DMs and comments I’m getting so here I’ll answer your crap in one go.

Not all men are violent you’re being sexist

If I came to you crying and said – my husband broke my jaw – and you said to me “Well, not all husbands do that – I didn’t break my wife’s jaw” do you think that would be an appropriate thing to say? What makes you immediately disregard that a man hurt someone? Why can’t you express horror for violence without making it about yourself? Why can’t you say – That’s appalling, here let me help? Why is your immediate reaction to disregard what a woman has said? Don’t you think that’s messed up?

If women were killing men at the rate men are killing women all women would be on curfew by now. I would be marching in the street. So why won’t you stand with women?

You’re making men feel attacked

Well, boo fucking hoo. Women are literally being attacked – being raped, murdered, beaten. And you’re upset because a columnist expressed anger and sadness over it? Grow the fuck up. This isn’t about your feelings. I’m so sorry words make you feel uncomfortable – but I can assure you – being bashed in front of your kids or killed because you were out at night is worse than reading something on Facebook that makes you feel a wee bit unsure of yourself and your place in the world. Get over it.

What about violence against men

What about how you only bring up violence against men when you want to disregard violence against women? I’m horrified by violence against men. I have two boys. I desperately want them to be protected. Guess what Dave – That is why I am trying to do something about male violence! What the fuck are you doing? You only seem to care about these men when I talk about violence against women.  Why don’t you make ending toxic masculinity a priority to protect these men instead of sitting on your ass angry wanking over women having opinions.

Women hurt men too

They do. And it’s abhorrent. And if every day women were murdering men and raping them – I’d be calling for an end to toxic femininity. If my boys grew up being told it’s not safe for them to speak to women or be out at night you can bet your ass I’d be devoting my life to it. That’s not happening. And women being violent toward men does not cancel out male violence no matter how much you want it to. If my son hit someone at school, and their parent said – “Your child made my daughter’s nose bleed” what would you think if I then said “yeah but sometimes girls hit boys in the playground”. All of this is a distraction – it’s an argument designed to minimise violence against women. Nobody has ever said women being violent toward men is acceptable. You are saying violence toward women is – by trying to say violence against men cancels it out.

They’re just psychopaths.

Oh really? All of them. New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the world. Cops attend family violence incidents every four minutes. ALast year, police attended about 105,000 domestic violence incidents. If all incidents were reported, they would have attended at least 525,000 calls for help.

And you think they’re all just crazy? Well fuck me, I want to see an inquiry into what’s in our drinking water because if it’s not our culture – you know the culture that means every time a woman writes about violence she gets 100 emails calling her a cunt and a whore – then it must be something else. Do you really think it’s something else? Do you really think we have the highest rate of psychopaths in the entire world?

By calling these men monsters or psychopaths we are saying there’s nothing we can do. It’s washing the hands of it all. It’s saying oh well, we have no responsibility here – none of us. That is simply not true – and it’s a dangerous attitude. I’m tired of this violence, aren’t you? Don’t you want us to work together to stop it?

You’re politicising murder

It is political. Stop trying to silence women. Silence is complicity and I refuse to shut up because you don’t like the reality of violence in this country. And you know what else is political – you trying to stop people talking about it! You trying to tell people not to talk about a murder victim because it makes you feel uncomfortable as a man? That’s political. That’s you prioritising your feelings over the need for us to work toward a world where women aren’t dying every day at the hands of men.

It is only when women die that we are accused of being political. People can march in the street (and should) over child abuse statistics and nobody accuses them of taking advantage or using the names of these children for political gain. They rightly see it as saying “Enough! No more!” If you’re unmoved by another woman murdered, and you want people to be quiet about it, that’s messed up. Consider why you don’t want us shining a light on this violence.

You’re pushing an agenda

Yeah I am. My agenda is that I want to see an end to women dying and being bashed and being raped.

You have a victim complex

Actually bro, you do. If a woman is murdered and you think you’re the victim because some other woman is laying down truths you don’t like? You’re the one with the victim complex.

WhY Do yOU haTE MeN EmILy???????????????????????

If I hated you – I would be marching for segretation. I’d want revenge. All I want is for all genders to be safe against male violence and entitlement.

Your views are extreme

If it’s extreme to think that every one of us has a responsibility to do everything we can to protect women and children – then yeah, I’m extreme. The reality is that every woman I know who parents boys is parenting like me. They’re all trying to teach their boys to respect themselves, their bodies, other people, and other people’s bodies. If you think it’s extreme to teach your child “these hands don’t hurt” then you’re part of the problem. If you think Boys Will Be Boys and Boys Are The Bosses is a legitimate way to parent in 2018 then that to me is an extreme and messed up view. There is nothing extreme or wrong about parenting in a way that protects your children and other children.

Telling your son he can’t hug someone if they don’t want a hug won’t change anything.

Maybe it won’t. But what’s the harm? Changing a culture is hard. You need to start in your own backyard. You need to do something. For me, that’s teaching my son he doesn’t get to hug someone if they don’t want to be hugged. It’s teaching him that his body is his own and if he doesn’t want me to tickle him then I won’t. It’s that if he says NO that NO will be respected, so he then learns to respect NO. I don’t excuse his behaviour with boys will be boys. I teach him boys are kind, boys are loving, boys are gentle – because they are. I don’t teach him boys don’t cry or boys are rough – because that’s not true. We don’t call him a sissy or tell him he throws like a girl – we are careful about our language. We nurture his interests regardless of whether they are considered gendered. This might not do anything – but then again, it might. It might make him think twice when he hears messages that are sexist or hateful toward women and minorities. He might think – hold on, I know that isn’t true, I know that isn’t right. He might step in against a bully. He might protect his friends against someone being hurtful. If someone touches him and he says no – and they don’t stop – he will know to tell me. He will know that it’s not his fault. That he shouldn’t feel guilt. He will know that’s wrong. And he will never do that to someone else because he’s been taught over and over and over again that his body is his own and his friend’s body is their own. All of my friends are raising their kids this way. Because we all believe that it has to make a difference. I will never understand why people find this controversial – especially when they spend their entire lives putting rules around their daughters.

Your sons will hate you/Your sons will be brats/You are making your sons hate themselves 

I refuse to be my child’s first bully. I will not give them the tools to hate the parts of themselves that are so precious to them and us – their gentleness, their affection for others, their kindness, their love of dancing, their love of glitter and flowers and tutus and their generosity. I will nurture and love them and protect them by ensuring gender stereotypes and norms and narrow views of masculinity don’t break them. My sons are free, I only wish the same for your children, for all children. I know you think going after my sons is what will break me, and it’s true – it’s the thing that hurts the most. But my husband and I are a team, and we are speaking out about these issues FOR our sons. It’s for them, they motivate us, their drive us to try to make the world a better place. You can’t hurt us here. We know our children and our children are loved.

Public grief is wrong

If your reaction to a young woman crying because she feels connected to another young woman – you’re a fucking loose unit. Hardening our hearts to everything is no way to live. Your cynicism is yours alone – don’t tell people how to feel. Unity and solidarity comes from grief. Change comes from grief. Snarking away at how people are upset just makes you an asshole.

What about all the women who aren’t getting media attention

They should be getting media attention. Women of colour and trans women suffer appalling rates of violence and every death should make the front page. Maybe then people would see just how widespread this problem is. I don’t know any women who disagree with this. But if you’re using this argument to stop people talking about violence against women, you need to consider why if it’s not to highlight racism and transphobia, and it’s instead to minimise the feelings women have about this case – you’re a dick.

I’m a cool chill girl and I just want to say I love you guys and you don’t have to do anything!

Internalised misogyny is a hell of a drug. We think if we suck up to men and throw our sisters under the bus we might be saved. They’ll like us. And we’ll be popular and cool. We’ll be one of the boys. If you’re raised in a society that makes you think women are bitches, of course you end up believing that. You don’t want to be a bitch like those other girls. So you slam them. And you kiss ass all day long making sure no man ever feels uncomfortable. We have all been there. I wasted many years of my life not realising women were my saviours in life. Now, I’m an adult – I know better. Nothing could make me want to prioritise men’s feelings now. Nothing could make me want to hurt my sisters or stand against them just so some limp dick knuckle dragging guy wants to fuck me. One day you’ll see.

YoU r A fEMinAzi?!?

I prefer the term boner-killer.

Jokes aside, consider who is watching you right now. Is your daughter? What are you teaching her when you come online and call me a cunt? What are you telling her about what her thoughts and ideas are worth in this world, to you? What are you teaching your son when you talk about feminazi sluts? What messages do you think he’s hearing about a woman’s worth? About her right to safety?

The kids are watching. What future are they going to have if you won’t change?

The hustle

Nobody wants to talk about money. It’s horrible talking about money. But I feel like I should.

I’m 33 and my family and I live week to week. This is quite normal in our circle of friends. I gave up my day job earlier in the year thinking after two years at The Spinoff I finally had stable work. Then our great sponsor left The Spinoff Parents. So I lost my main income. I was lucky to pick up other contracting work but it’s been hard.

And then I see comments from people saying “She doesn’t need money – her books are everywhere and she’s at every festival”. I promise you – life looks very different here, in reality.

Here’s what you don’t see…

Read More

Manaaki Day

Hello – As some of you know, my son Eddie has been working on an idea since his last “Wish Day”. On Wish Day you helped him raise almost $8k for Wellington Children’s Hospital. At the beginning of the year he started planning Manaaki Day which will be on Friday November 16. Here’s Eddie’s letter for you read so you can decide if you and your workplace want to join Manaaki Day. Thanks to Wellington City Council, Mayor Justin Lester, Volunteer Wellington and Whānau Manaaki Kindergartens Association – any kindys who want to be involved will have pick ups of gifts and toys. But Eddie wants to be clear that there are lots of ways to get involved that don’t involve money. Here you go (and yes, I’m very proud of him and all kids):

Volunteer Wellington are going to be sending out an invitation to Kindergartens from Justin and Eddie for Eddie’s Manaaki Day. Children can donate gifts, books, toys, food, clothing (new items only) for a child or animal for Christmas.

Read More

Rants in the Dark: The Play is NEXT WEEK!

Rants in the Dark The Play is NEXT WEEK OMG OMG
I have a double pass for you thanks to Circa Theatre and Good Times Company!
You can come on Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday night (Friday is almost sold out – Saturday is sold out!!!)
Just comment on my Facebook page with I don’t know your favourite 3am fantasy or the nickname you have for your child or a rant in the dark – whatever you like and please tag a friend and please buy a ticket here lol

Read More

A definitive review of Skyscraper

No spoilers.

So I read the synopsis of Skyscraper and it began “Dwayne The Rock Johnson”  so I didn’t read any further because I didn’t have to. Because it’s Dwayne The Rock Johnson. I know it’s going to be a masterpiece. He cannot fail. He is built to succeed.

The opening scene of Skyscraper is pretty hardcore and I thought wow, this is going to be tough for me to get off to – but then, I saw Dwayne The Rock Johnson with:

Read More

I saw Hereditary

This doesn’t contain spoilers unless it’s a spoiler to say I almost shat my pants.

So. Here is my internal monologue (and some was external let’s be real here) while watching Hereditary – the sick as all Hell horror movie that everyone is talking about:

Read More

A comprehensive review of Deadpool 2

So as you know (maybe) I’ve been sick so I meant to see this a fortnight ago but didn’t because I chose bed. So this is a very late review. But I figure nobody is making choices about what they watch based on my reviews. But if you are, god help you, here is my review for Deadpool 2. No spoilers.

Read More

“What is your real name” and all of your other questions somewhat answered

I get many, many emails. And y’all are not shy about asking me some personal as questions. So I’ve been saving them up for a blog post. Here they are. Enjoy (or don’t – it’s a free world apparently).

Is Ham sleeping now?

He is not. I am the saddest in the world. He slept for three days then stopped for no reason at all and is back to waking a million times a night.

EDIT: I started this post ages ago and just chuck in questions whenever I get them by DM or email. Anyway NOW as of 29th of May – Hammy Davis Jnr IS sleeping mostly all night in his own bed mostly 80% of the time. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen! Almost like sleep is a developmental milestone heeeey!

Read More

We need to talk about Tully

So, as I said on my Facebook page – I saw Tully the other night and I’ve had a lot of feelings about it. I found it really difficult to watch and as such it’s really difficult to review. Reviews for me are usually fairly easy to do – I don’t think film reviewing is a particularly important thing at all. It’s a fairly pointless thing to do in my view – which is why I like doing it. It’s not important writing and I don’t need to think too hard. It’s a turn off my brain hobby for me – just a bit of fun – other people take my film reviews far more seriously than I ever take them.

And then a movie comes along like Tully and it’s hard to work out what to say about it – I don’t review all of the movies I see, I’m not paid to do this, so I could just ignore it. But I want to talk about it, as much as I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I guess I’ll just jump right in and say – the marketing sucks and they should feel bad. In my view Tully is totally marketed as a feel good movies for new mums. A you’ll totally relate to this film. I mean – I could absolutely relate to that trailer. Who hasn’t dropped a phone on their kid’s head? And it’s clearly suggested that the film is full of these “isn’t this just so us?” comic moments.

Except this movie is not a feel-good movie about real parenting. This movie is a grim and heartbreaking work that is really important. And what frustrates me is that it could have stood on its own merits instead of pulling a bait and switch with vulnerable mothers. The irony of a movie about a vulnerable mother being marketed in such a way that it surprises new parents with horror is just beyond really.

You might think it’s a realistic Bad Moms. But it’s more like The Babadook (an amazing film – that is also very heavy). But The Babadook was not framed as a rom com dramedy as it is in fact a psychological horror film.

So does that mean I hated it? No. I found it devastatingly accurate. Painfully real. Especially as a mum who has suffered from PND and anxiety – and recently *deep breath* a really bad mental health break.

I don’t want to go into details, but earlier this year I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. I can’t describe how much it hurt. I went offline for two weeks, took as much leave from my jobs as I could, and my sister came over from Australia to help care for me. It was agony – not being able to trust yourself with yourself is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I almost lost everything and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

So to go out to a film for a bit of a night off (as many mums seeing it are expecting based on the trailer) and instead have well…what the film actually is was rough as guts.

And this is the shitty part – I have to say “Spoilers ahead” to talk about it. And that kind of sucks. Here is this thing we need to talk about, that has been turned into a spoiler. I’m not sure how I feel about that. We need to talk about Tully – but we’re gagged because to do so “ruins” the movie. That’s not right is it?

I fear for the mums who leave the cinema and sit in their car and feel numb. My bestie and I had tried to go to a comedy show after but instead of laughing we mostly just sat close to each other, hands almost touching, waiting for that sinking feeling to dissipate. The morning after I sobbed in my husband’s arms. In saying that – it’s a good film, whatever that means. It’s raw and real and we need it. It’s visceral (I swear I had boob pangs during it like I almost started fucking lactating again).

And I don’t agree with a lot of the criticism around it.

And if you had an easy ride with parenting – you’ll probably be fine. It’ll probably just be a buzzkill for you. But if you’ve struggled – it’s a lot.

If you’re booked to see it (as I know many mums are): I think it’s an amazing movie and I felt incredibly seen, but I want you to be prepared for how hard it is to watch if you’ve had a rough time with your mental health. Go with a friend, take some time afterward to talk through your feelings. Don’t go alone. x

So I don’t know spoilers ahead …..sigh. If you don’t want it to be “spoiled” STOP HERE.

Read More

The Avengers: Infinity War reviewed

*No spoilers*

So what if you were at the supermarket and you’re a solo mum because if you had a partner you don’t now and the kids are screaming and you’re trying to hold one of them on your hip while also carrying five bags and feeling guilty that you keep forgetting your canvas bag and then Mark Ruffalo comes over and says can I help you and he bends down to grab one of your bags but you bend down at the same time and then you knock heads and he just gently touches your forehead and says are you ok and you’re like I’m fine but you’re dizzy because his eyes are so kind and he says let me help you and he picks up your baby and the baby immediately likes him and he holds hands with your other child who has stopped screaming and then he grabs the bags and walks to your car and he says I’m Mark Ruffalo and he tries to shake your hand but he can’t because it’s full of bags and he blushes and laughs and then you laugh and he says this is crazy but can I make you dinner tonight and you’re like oh well yes but I can’t because my baby has to stay in his routine I can’t take him out and he says I’ll bring you dinner and you just agree and two hours later you’re wondering if you should put make up on and he just appears at your door holding peonies and hiding behind him is a little girl the same age as your son and he says this is my daughter my wife died in a terrible basement flooding accident and his daughter shyly shakes your hand and then he holds up a perfectly made macaroni cheese and you invite him in and you and your kids and Mark Ruffalo and his adorable polite child all eat together on the floor on a mat so the kids don’t smear cheese everywhere and then the kids say can we have a sleepover and you both laugh and say I think they like each other and then he looks at you a shrugs and says sleepover? And you’re like this is crazy I just met you at Pak n Save but then the kids fall asleep on the couch and you say I have some wine and you go out onto the deck and toast the stars with your cleanskin Pinot Gris and he says can I kiss you and you do and then you finish him like cheesecake and then the next morning the kids sleep in until 10am and you wake up to him making them pancakes and singing and he says I have to tell you something I have this flatmate called Steve Rogers and have you heard of polyamory and I think you’d really like him and we only believe in one sided polyamory where it’s just you and us and you’re just like yes thanks that sounds great I am keen as and have no plans tonight please lock it in. What if that happened.