I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines

So I had wine and I am very tired and so I am a bit tipsy but I saw the Tarzan movie so I thought I’d give my honest review.
Excuse typos because you know, wines.
image
Ok so I don’t know what the plot is or who is in it other than Alexander Skarsgard and Alexander Skarsgard’s magnificent holy abs. I don’t know what the dialogue or acting is like or whatever.
But like 1/3 of the way in Alexander Skarsgard is going to fight a gorilla for some reason and he takes off his shirt and OMG LIKE I ACTUALLY GROANED LOUDLY.
He does not put his shirt back on for the whole movie.
And like The V. sweet mother Mary the V I am telling you. The v is worth $15. The V is worth so much I wanted to see the movie again straight afterward.
Did I say that he doesn’t put his shirt back on?
This is why I can’t tell you what the movie is about. Samuel l Jackson at one point is talking about something really important and it’s just white noise because Alexander Skarsgard has the best body that ever existed.
I am basically exhausted from being in a constant state of arousal for the rest of the 2/3 of the film.
When he swings on stuff it’s slow mo and there are like all these long shorts of his muscles.
And like at one point he is wet. Like so wet. And I was like to my friend OMG and we were both like HE IS SO WET. And glistening with his chest and his abs and his arms and he’s all dirty and the V. THe V I am telling you.
Some stuff happens I don’t know. But the important thing to know is that he doesn’t put his shirt back on and he’s really wearing those pants.
And his eyes. He has such puppy dog eyes. If I was with Alexander Skarsgard I would be like what’s wrong Alexander Skarsgard because he always looks so sad. And then he would say – nothing because you’re my wife. And then we would bang.
There are many close ups of his sad eyes.
There is one sex scene that stops before anything properly happens which made me so angry I intend to write to the director to give him a pieces of my mind.
I mean why the fuck is this movie pg13. What mum is going to watch this movie with her kid. Nobody wants to sit with their teenage son while they’re imagining Alexander Skarsgard diving into their lady parts.
I am furious.
But also very grateful. For this wonderful movie. That gave us Alexander Skarsgard. He is a gift to the world. And I bet he is so nice.
And he is SO TALL.
Like this movie really shows his tallness.
Like so tall. That at one point he comes up behind whoever the actress was and I let out this like guttural noise like I was dying and the guy next to me gave me a filth look and I was like fuck you what are you even doing here.
Alexander Skarsgard is Tarzan and he belongs to the women of the world.
I am an atheist but there is the point where he swings onto this other thing and catches his like “wife” (this is not a spoiler you’re not watching the movie for the plot ok) and like his muscles and his v and he’s so strong and tall and I actually like think I saw God?
So in short, definite Oscar worthy movie with just like amazing arms and imagine if your job was to put the dirt and blood on his arms? Imagine if that was your job. To just touch Alexander Skarsgard all day. And he would flirt with you but not be gross. He would just be a total gentlemen and maybe you’d drop your make up brush and you’d both reach down and get it and he’d look at you with his sad eyes and you would be dead.
That would be it.
You would actually die.
But it would be worth it.

This has been a review by Emily after two maybe three wines on very little sleep. Thank you and good night.

***

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  1. Nailed it. You really nailed it. The theme of the movie and the motivation for his character OMG I’m still drunk on his abs fuck excuse me please I need to take care of something

    • Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I have been laughing for ten minutes. My hidden abs hurt. Brilliant! Now I shall go watch the film.

  2. “Nobody wants to sit with their teenage son while they’re imagining Alexander Skarsgard diving into their lady parts.”

    Can’t stop laughing.

  3. BEST REVIEW EVER! Must go see it now… Will also have to smuggle in wine and chocolate

  4. ” If I was with Alexander Skarsgard I would be like what’s wrong Alexander Skarsgard because he always looks so sad. And then he would say – nothing because you’re my wife. And then we would bang.”

    You, dear lady, speak the truth!

  5. Great review. I was laughing out loud, and everything you said is so true.
    Alex was very good looking in True Blood too.

    • And if I recall correctly, he showed nearly all the goods in that series.

      The other Skarsgård men aren’t shabby, either.

  6. Your review had me and my partner quoting your hilarious comments please carry on with your wine influenced and deprived sleep movie reviews

  7. I am an adult, heterosexual male who enjoys hockey fights and looking at engines while holding beer. Now there is, like, 17% of me that wants to see this V.

    • Ha! This cracks me up. You’re such a manly man. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you for wanting to see the V.

    • My husband is a very heterosexual male who knows Alex from True Blood and says that it’s ok if I lust after him because he is his man crush. The only one he has ever said he had in 30+ years of marriage. So it’s ok.

  8. LOVE your take on Tarzan!!! I was going to wait until cable, but now maybe not!

  9. Exactly..i have been dreaming since i watched it..Alexander Skarsgard looks yumm.

  10. Actually snorted at “That at one point he comes up behind whoever the actress was and I let out this like guttural noise like I was dying and the guy next to me gave me a filth look and I was like fuck you what are you even doing here.”. Please can you review all the movies? 🙂

  11. I had no plans on seeing this movie. Now I will. With 5 friends. Whomever made this movie owes you $$

    • I had no plans to see it either, but now I’m organizing a Girl’s Night. Most persuasive review ever.

  12. YAAAASSSSSS! I completely agree! I just LOL’d so hard right now reading this delightful review. I did enjoy the plot but mostly I enjoyed the Deliciousness of shirtless Alexander Skarsgard #TheV

  13. I was laughing so hard reading this, this morning. My husband didn’t get it. But we or at least I are going to see this movie on the big screen

  14. I love your review like do so so much! I totally get you and the “V”! Thanks for the great laugh!

  15. Seriously the best review of any film I have ever read. I was already in love with Skarsy and planning on seeing this but I now feel a more urgent need to go.

    Five stars. Would read again.

  16. “Alexander Skarsgard is Tarzan and he belongs to the women of the world.”

    Spot on!

    Pls pls pls review more movies!!

  17. Dear Emily,
    I appreciate you for hurling yourself, selflessly, albeit a bit wined-up, into a PG-13 movie to provide us such a valuable service. I appreciate knowing that Samuel L. Jackson does some type of speaking part, because he’s a fabulous actor.

    Then you focus on the most important, nay…VITAL, aspects of the film. Alexander Skarsgard, his hair, his eyes, his abs, his ability to effortlessly act without wearing a shirt. Bravo! These are life-altering and riveting moments, necessary to the plot.

    I wept as I read about his V. You poetically described how the V, provided silent, yet crucial support to Alex, as he stood shirtless, spoke shirtless, swung on vines shirtless, and perspired, again…shirtless. If the V does not receive an OSCAR nomination for Best Supporting Actor, it will be a travesty, not unlike, when Steven Spielberg was overlooked by The Academy, for his block-buster movie franchises. The V is, clearly, the unselfish, unsung hero of the movie. Talent like that will not go unnoticed.

    This is the best movie review ever. I laughed. I cried. It was better than “Cats.”

    I raise my own glass of Malbec to you.
    Regards,
    Michelle

  18. Like this going viral right now? And you don’t even know how viral it is that this review is being shared and reposted from Svalbard to Ulaanbaatar to Pomona Africa to Manila. Yep, you just united the women of the world.

  19. Excellent! I was going to take my ten year old son (actually I have promised him) but now I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch sensibly! I might make him sit away from me.

  20. This is, I swear to God, the funniest and best thing I have ever read. Thank you for making me laugh. A lot!

  21. I have NEVER enjoyed a review as much as I enjoyed this one!!! I haven’t seen the movie, but am now looking so forward to seeing it!!! You must ALWAYS have wines before writing your reviews!!! I am now a fan of YOU!

  22. I’m actually crying laughing at that. Reason enough to go see it. I might leave my boyfriend at home 🙂

    • LMAO. Thank for the heads up to make it a girls night out. I guess I should bring a towel to go along with the hot flashes! Great review. I wonder what your reviews are like without wine because you are do awesome.

  23. Best review I’ve ever read!! You are hilarious, I want to go to the movies with you!

  24. Raising a glass of Shiraz to you, in honour of The Skarsgard V, from Scotland. Who needs plot, anyway?!

  25. Awesome, now I can’t wait to go see this movie. But maybe I’ll wait until is in Dvd so I can have my wine with me.

  26. I absolutely loved it. Tarzan my all time favourite alpha. Great review. He’s 6’4 1/2. Love tall men. His bod was brill

  27. Totally nailed it. I can’t get his abs out of my head and this was after seeing zac efron in mike and dave need wedding dates. Should have spent my money on a ticket to tarzan instead

  28. I’m sitting in my study, at home, in a town just outside Madrid, in Spain… waiting for this latest bronchial spasm to clear so I could actually lie down (without suffocating) and get some sleep (it’s just after 3 am).
    Then, I read your review.
    I laughed so hard that I coughed this piece of lung (?) out… and, now, I’m going to sleep like a baby.
    Your review was raw, honest… Hilarious!
    Thank you!

    • Lol I just lost a few drops of my own glass of wine at that…please be careful I hate to waste good wine 😜😂

  29. You are so funny. This is perfect. You’re up there in John Oliver country, you’re so good.

  30. My husband actually let me read this entire review outloud and laughed hysterically the whole time, you are a funny funny gal. Get out of my head.

  31. I haven’t seen it yet, but I totally pause the tv when the commercial is on! I could so review the commercial and comment on the muscle-e(not a word for AS haters) v and pulsating pectoral area. ~Ash

  32. LMAO!!! I agree his body was a huge part in this movie. I went to see my favorite actor, but when I read this review, I had to share it with everyone I know. then someone was smart and put it up on a blog, and I think it went off from there.

    I already told hubs that I will be buying the 3D version when it comes out and when he bowls, I will be curled up with his huge ass tv (almost as big as a movie theater one, seriously why, men, why?!?!?) and watching it over and over. I may rewind.

    Until then. multiple viewings of the movie will be needed to get me through to that time.

    Thank you for the review!

  33. Best review ever and omigod yes, he is that hot. I agree. I am just waiting to go see the movie so I can sigh contentedly for days, nay, weeks after.

  34. i am a gay man with hots for A.S. I worked as a supporting actor in a movie with him five years ago. I met him at the reading and he was adorable. He shook my hand, which are twice my size, so imagine his part that we dream about. I didn’t wash my hand for like two hours literally because he shook it. MMMMMM.. Alexander. He should have done Alexander instead of Colin Farrell and shown his balls.

  35. You win the Internet. Thank you for this awesome review and description of the V. I will be contacting friends to make sure they see this important film.

  36. This is absolutely hilarious!!! And thank you for making me have to see this movie 🙂

  37. Best review I’ve ever read. I really needed a laugh tonight and you had me cracking up. Have uou ever watched Outlander? Maybe someone will do a large coffee table book on “The V”.

    • Oh my GOD!!! TRUTH!!! Sam Heughan, (also an incredibly talented actor) is also heaven-sent, unspeakably, drop-dead GORGEOUS! I’m a massive fan of the books, but seeing Jamie brought to life on TV by Sam weekly?! *faints*

  38. You win movie reviews for the remainder of time and maybe the entire internets. Also Alexander Skarsgard’s back when he and Sam Jackson are looking down on the town and the rear view of those pants, I can’t breathe.I ordered the DVD Blu-Ray today.so that I can watch Alexander Skarsgard on repeat with many wines.

  39. Look, I’m all for female empowerment and some evening-up of visual exploitation is way overdue. But if the women of the world get their way, will poor Alexander Skarsgard ever be allowed to eat a pizza again?

  40. Best review I’ve ever read. Hands down.
    You stole all the thoughts out of my head!
    PS: I think we need to be BFF’s 😂

  41. You were shared and now I love you I love you. This was the best piece of writing. It just made me laugh soooo much.

  42. I’m from Sweden, there’s a lot of guys with that kind of looks here. You’re welcome.

  43. I just got home after watching Tarzan and found a friend had tagged me on FB with this review. Thank you for perfectly expressing everything I felt about the movie. From the groaning to the wanting to see it again immediately after. Which I do. On the big screen where you get to see all those rippling muscles and The V in detail. We need a sequel!!!!

  44. Hahaha…this is perfect. I couldn’t put into words why I loved this movie. I just told my friends to see it. My husband who informed me it got poor marks on rotten tomatoes said “it could have been better” obviously didn’t SEE the same movie 😱. Anyways, the sex scene did leave you wanting more BUT it was PG-13 and I was grateful cuz I was there with my 18 year old son which was beginning to get awkward. But I agree wholeheartedly that this is a must-see more than once. We can only hope there are extra “bedroom” scenes when the DVD comes out.

  45. so…..does this mean you have never seen him in “True Blood”?!?!?! I can’t wait to see your post after you’ve seen that! haha

  46. Hahah you MUST watch True Blood then- and def NOT with your 13 year old son cause trust me, if you imagined him diving into your lady parts with this movie – omg!!

    • He is super hot in True Blood definitely gets hotter when the hair got cut

      • My fav true blood scene was at the finale when I think her name is Ginger who had been ogling over him for years finally got her shot to be with him and it was over before “it” started for her. That’s exactly how I imagine it would be. I think he’s very hot and would love to meet him in person one day.

  47. What more can I say to this masterpiece of a review… screw the bits with plot or lines when you have abs, chest and wet muscles… and wine! Oh right, Alexander is in town tonight for the premier and I wonder if the rascal has read your “views”. Cheers you are the best ever!

  48. I want to thank you, Emily; I actually developed six-pack abs from laughing so hard while reading this 😉

  49. Best review of a movie, ever. So honest! I had no interest to see this movie until I read this! Please do all future reviews after a couple of wines. Would love to hear your thoughts on 50 Shades 😂😂

  50. Please name an account so we, fans of this review, might make sure you get enough wine and got to the movies! I haven’t enjoyed a review more ever!
    Best vibes all the way from Bolivia, C.

  51. Hahaha
    THE most truthful and funny review!!!
    Epic!!!
    Ok , I’ll watch the movie!

  52. I can’t even begin to tell you how much joy this review brought me, however not nearly as much joy as actually watching Alexander Skarsgard shirtless swinging from a vine in this film… Best. Review. Ever.

  53. All the above! ROFL! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! Best. Review. Ever. 😀

  54. Didn’t plan on seeing the movie in the theater but now I must. MUST! Thank you for best review of any movie ever, girl! Tempted to take off work early now! NOW!

  55. Last time I saw Tarzan I think it was in black and white, but this is clearly a colourful film, best review 😜

    • I think I need to start working out. Want more reviews like this. Thank you in advance. You are the best and more wines please.

  56. A truer review has never been written. The ABS, the V, the eyes, the hair, the arms.

  57. That is the best movie review EVER! And did you happen to maybe review Magic Mike a couple years ago too?

  58. I’m saving the address for this review so I can read it again every time I’m tempted to be in a bad mood.

  59. Some peoples’ presence on the internet is a genuine boon to humanity’s well being.
    Thanks for being one of those presences.
    Did I mention that this review made me laugh like hell?

  60. Great review! I needed a good laugh, that is hilarious! Now I might have to see the movie!

  61. I LOL every time I read the review. Shared on my page, and already 20 others have shared on theirs. We all agree on two things (1) you are too too funny, and (2) we need to go see Tarzan and his V. ROFL. Thanks for the laughter.

  62. My only complaint of this review is the pictures. Why can’t they be enlarged with a click? Enlarge! Enlarge! Enlarge!

  63. Maybe I’m a bit silly to feel proud of being a fellow swede when reading your review, but god darn it – I do! Plus you def made up my mind on whether I should see it or not. oh I will!!

    • Lol. Yep! That would be me but at least getting down to the good parts first! Poor Ginger. I used to have a Norwegian boyfriend and on at least one occasion I imagined he was Alexander as they both have the same look, height but minus the abs and V. I did try to talk him into pumping some iron to no avail. He knew I had a crush on Alexander and he didn’t mind playing the role on occasion. Lol. Now I need another one.

  64. OMG!! This is the greatest review of a movie I have ever read! TEARS were streaming down my cheeks, I was laughing so hard I had to look away and try to catch my breath. Will see the movie tomorrow and I.CAN’T.FREAKIN’.WAIT. !!!!!!! Thank you!! Best laugh I have had in a LONG while!!!

  65. This is the funniest, most truthful review ever. He was tall. Like SO TALL. and OMG, he’s SO wet. And those puppy dog eyes? “nothing you my wife” and then we bang. Then of course you went all religious but honestly, girl, that much perfection? There MUST be some sort of divine intervention. I am imagining the make-up brush scenario and I am already dead.

  66. You have done a great service for humanity! BEST MOVIE REVIEW EVER! I can’t write more as I am leaving for the movie theater…..of course, friends and I will stop for happy hour first, then the movie.

  67. Hilarious!! Loved reading this, makes me think I should go and watch it again…with wine.

  68. I think I need to eat more salad, and do more ab work…

    you’re so funny…Thank You for the laughs. I may have to go see this just to pick up the fainting frails.

  69. Love your review! Think it went viral cause I had to wait a few hours to be able to access your blog.
    But what is this V/vee?

  70. If you think he is hot in this watch all of true blood omg. You even get the sexy bit and see his tight ass. Omg sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooòòooooooo hot

  71. How marvelous. Made me laugh. In the end the only reason I watched True Blood was for the lovely AS

  72. OMG…I had a movie night out with my girlfriends and had no idea what to watch. But the poster of Alexander’s HOLY ABS outside the cinemas was what caught our eye! You are so reading our mind with that awesome review. LOL
    <3 from Fiji

  73. Now I’m going to HAVE to see this movie! The review has convinced me that without watching this….life just isn’t worth living! Now to go save up the mortgage money to pay for the blasted movie…but ….it’s like…going to be totally worth it…because…..well…..the abs, the V…..the man, the myth!

  74. Oh sweet baby jesus we should be friends. You are so funny! This made my work day very fun. Please keep drinking and writing. Much love xx

  75. Hahahahahaha. I’m laughing so hard I might get some definition in MY abs.

  76. EMILY! This made me laugh so much thank you thank you.

    It may seem unlikely seeing as I am a kiwi lass living in Auckland but I worked on Tarzan in the Uk and my role was Alex’s assistant.

    Honestly. The abs are better in real life and he is in fact the nicest guy in the world. And tall.

    xxx

        • Oh I hope so…but I don’t know if it’s really him? Do you think it is? I screamed when I saw it but then a couple of people told me they don’t think it’s him. 😫 A girl can dream!! If he did read it, I hope he liked it, and that he knows that he’s brought joy to millions of women around the world.

    • I’m thinking there are a whole bunch of us gals who want Emily’s job, or at least are jealous to the point of revenge!!

  77. Just LOVE this <3
    This must be me watching Channing Tatum – and after reading this I HAVE to watch this movie <3

    Hugs from Norway 🙂
    PS: found this article about your blog in a Swedish newspaper site 😛

  78. Had to leave a comment as you had me in hysterics! A work colleague send me your post saying I guess the movie is for women….
    I just saw Tarzan in 3D at IMAX with my 10 yr old daughter, 13 yr old son and my step mum (aged 74) so it was interesting…actually really enjoyed it in 3D! Yes he looked amazing but was not my focus probably because of who I was watching it with….however my son made me laugh when he leant over and said he hasn’t put his shirt back on all movie! Am pleased that my 10 yr old did not comment at all – would be worried if she did 🙂

  79. This is the best movie review I have ever read. I totally want to go see this movie, and this review confirms it will be meet up to my expectations.

  80. Haha!! Love it!! I don´t love Skarsgård and I don´t like Tarzan-movies, but now I have to see the movie… Do I need to be drunk? 😉

  81. The best movie-review EVER!!! Watching the movie tomorrow, and after reading this, I know I won´t be disappointed! 😀

  82. You are the greatest movie reviewer ever!!! I will watch whatever movie you suggest. 🙂

  83. I never read reviews but this one is great! Tipsy or not – Best review ever! I mean it! Loud out laugh for real…still smiling…

  84. OMG this is the most hillarious film review written, ever. So now I’m going to go and watch with a girlfriend, not my kids. LOL. And you should start tipsyfilmreviews.com 😉

  85. This is the most awesomest review ever! Who cares about plot! I wanted to see the movie when I saw the poster. Love some Alexander and he looks super sexy and manly in this role. I’m traveling for work in Italy so hopefully it will still be showing when I return home to the US.

  86. Saw the movie with several female relatives – all big True Blood fans. About 10 min into the movie, my 65 year old mother leaned over to ask me why it was taking so long for Skarsgard to take his shirt off.

  87. this review is literally very relatable to how I felt when I watched the Legend of Tarzan for the first time, like literally the same in every single way. that muscles, that arms, that long legs, that heavenly V oh my god… Alexander Skarsgard is a gift. what did we do to deserve him?

  88. One of the funniest reviews I’ve ever read. Thank you! I’ve been on the Skarsgard bus a long time!

  89. You killed me!! Never have I wanted to see a movie so much in my life!!! Never have I been so excited to read your words over and over again until I can actually witness the v in person!!!
    A good V is like a bottle of good wine……..wait, no it’s not! Wine is gone in 1/2 hour….a v can be with you forever! Just like a bouquet of fake flowers! Well, you know what I mean! Like Sex and the City when Samantha was watching her lovely neighbor next door……NICE V!!! I feel vindicated!! I thought I was a closet V lover! It’s out! I’m out of the closet! Hi, my name is Ellen and I am a V lover!! I mean let’s face it….the guys have boobs and cleavage and of course the little hut down south to enjoy, but WE have the V!!! omg…..it is like the best thing since potato skins covered in sour cream, bacon bits and cheese! Wow…I’m hungry!

    Anyway……thank you, thank you, thank you for that lovely, funny and quite truthful critique of………wait what was that of originally? Doesn’t matter……we are forever grateful for the acknowledgment of the v and how it needs a place in our society!………or my imagination! lol 😉

  90. Best review ever!!!
    I’ve met him once at a party back home in Sweden and he really is the nicest guy!

  91. oh my goodness – an amazing post so so funny – and yes so so true – thank god for Tarzan!!

  92. I literally can’t stop laughing and I had to read this whole thing three times in a row because it’s so funny I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Hahaha. This is also what I am like after a few wines. Seriously, I have been laughing for nearly 20 minutes now.

  93. The best review ever! I feel truly patriotic today ( I’m Swedish just like Alexander Skarsgård ).😍😍😍😍😍😝

  94. Couldn’t stop laughing right through the text:) You really nailed the important things of the movie!

  95. Actually laughed out loud (LOL) and you remind me of Caitlin Moran.

    I just love how you dissed the guy looking at you 😉

  96. Omg girl! Go watch True Blood if you have never seen it before. You will get all his sexy acting and love scenes … and you will never be disappointed!!!

  97. There is a reason that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is mulling expatriating to New Zealand. It is because she has read this and she wants to move to New Zealand for the express purpose of being your best friend and investing in Chardonnay with you. You are the reason that Kiwis are the best people on the planet. If Trump gets elected, hope to be your neighbor. You, Ruth and I can go out drinking. And binge-watching True Blood and fast-forwarding through the non-AS scenes.

  98. Tarzan IMAX 3D coming to your local theatre soon. The Skärsgard “V” up close & personal.
    Just saying…….

  99. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while! No doubt I’ll have to go see it in a theatre. I promise I won’t give dirty looks to anyone but my girlfriend, should I happen to hear random raunchy noises anywhere.

  100. This was hilarious, thank you so much. I saw a review that really panned this movie and I remember thinkig that they just entirely missed the ..erm..appeal.

  101. Please move to America so you can be eligible for a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This review is amazing! I may ask you to write the love scenes in my next novel.

  102. I would write a whole lot more gushing with a whole lot more expletives but my fucking phone is new and is auto correcting like the American it thinks it is. You keep doing you cos you are fucking funny. Alexander Skarrsgard’s hotness has come to my attention thru True Blood and the Viking in me (no shit I am originally from Dannevirke) had totally vibed. I have not seen the movie but imma gonna take my twin sister (also a viking) and a fat blunt and we are gonna watch the shit out of that movie. And probs be as obnoxious as we usually are cos we are TWINS and the rest of the cinema can get fucked.

    From a blessed mumma in an upgrade hot tub king size bed hotel suite after drinking a wine…bottle.

  103. Now that’s the way to put bums in seats! Hilarious and best ab workout I’ve had in a loooong time.

  104. “And I bet he is so nice.”

    Was the line that put this one over the top for me.

    • Oh, jeepers, his FATHER is reading your column. :-O But, hey, maybe he’ll put in a good word for you!

  105. Thank you for the most pure review I’ve read in a long while, and for the laughs – the many minutes of laughing even! ^^^
    C.B.

  106. Hilarious and true. I actually giggled when I saw the first shot of him at the table. I kept sighing and giggling, a grown woman old enough to be somebody’s grandmother! The woman sitting next to me with her husband, kept looking at me. I didn’t care. You’re right that V! Also, I love Alex with long hair, so I was swooning over that too!

  107. So funny! You hit on everything perfectly. I loved it! I went and saw the movie alone, like some weird man going to watch some french porn film pretending its art. I tell you it’s his eyes…yes, the body is so amazing…but the eyes did it. btw, the only reason to take your kids is so you can pretend to be watching it because its an action movie.

  108. I’m sold, gonna hit a matinee without kids!
    Have you watched Outlander? Please grab a bottle, binge watch the first season and get back with us. Please.

  109. Hi Emily. I was on the set of this film for a movie magazine, and I can confirm that Alexander Skarsgård absolutely is tall and nice.

  110. LMAO Love it!!! The only thing wrong is Tarzan did not give us Alexander… True Blood did and if you want more of him, you REALLY need to watch it!

  111. I’m I total agreement. Even without the vine 😉 I’m totally going to see it again soon as possible :-D. Great review. Thanks!

  112. So, kinda a chick flick without all the stupid blah blah blah feelings talk?

    I was going to see it with Caleb but maybe this should be a girls night
    out! Or, the boys can come too but have to watch it in a different
    theater so they don’t feel so inadequate…I mean so our stupid girl
    talk doesn’t distract them from all the cool action sequences. You
    know, while we talk about our feelings and such.

  113. This is the best godamn movie review I e read ever. Like eVer! You should write speeches for Donald Trumps wife because her shot is just shit but your shit is gold. Thank you!

  114. Never before have I read a review for a movie I didn’t care and said “I must see this!” Until now.

  115. I read that he (fantastic ab man) had to eat a whole lot of sh*t food to get that body, ergo the sad eyes. When finished filming he went to stay with his Dad and ate his fav food. So possibly by now the body is just a memory.

  116. That’s the best thing I’ve ever read. My girlfriends and I all want to have wines with you. Cheers!

  117. This review was AB-tastic!!!!!!!! Laughing so hard on the bus. After I finally finished laughing I noticed other people laughing too and realized I had started reading it out loud which started my laughing fit again. Kudos! 😂😂😂😂😂😃

  118. Just wanted to let you know that my friend and me smuggled wine into the cinema here in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, yesterday to celebrate Alex and his abs and V. It was wonderful. Have to say the local ladies in their headscarfs seemed to appreciate all his goods too (without any wine). Will have to watch the movie again though, just to make sure they haven’t cut any inappropriate things out. And to make sure I have seen all abs and ehm… the V.

  119. I read your review out loud to several friends on different occasions. It was well received, though I must admit, not so much by our male companions. Of course, we had to see it and agreed with every word.

  120. My (gay, male, very into films) friend re-posted this review on FB and I loved it, so I stayed to read a few of your other posts. That was 3 hours ago. I don’t (yet) have kids but have been laughing so much my boyfriend wanted to know what I was up to (I read him the paragraph I was on, relating to breakfast-based curses, he thought it was brilliant). You write beautifully. I also sent the link to your blog to my best friend who has a sweet and lovely, but pretty non-sleeping 2 year old. She might not have the chance to read it until he’s in school, but I think she would love it and be reassured. It’s hard to make your best friend feel reassured, and like she’s not alone, when you don’t have children yourself, so thank you.

  121. i laughed so hard i couldn’t even finish reading this until like a good 15 minutes of laugh/crying and drying my eyes and gathering myself to read to the end. Hilarious.

  122. Goddess of Written Word,

    Your review was pure, raw, luxuriously written poetry. Where have you been all my life? My BFF of close to 30 years shared your glorious thoughts. I thank GOD for people like you… I am unable to recall the last time I savoured such a saucy piece of heaven.

    I am definitely going to watch Tarzan, both at the theatre and on my movie projector (when I am ALONE). I felt lost at sea when True Blood concluded. My ship has now found an island, better yet, a jungle. You know where I am going with that, as I have had some wines.

    Goddess, pls continue to share your valuable and incredibly insightful thoughts on all matters

  123. Ha, it seems Samuel Jackson and the rest of the cast and crew would have benefited from a shorter film star with a belly and altogether neglected physique in the lead role – less important stuff would be lost amid those close-ups as the viewer desperately tries to put into perspective anything other than bouncing flabby meat. Anyhow, just an observation from a male (future) viewer after 2, maybe 3 glasses of home-made lemonade.

    • I felt the same way watching Keira Knightly in … well, almost anything. I sympathize, after 1 glass of half wine, half water. 😉

  124. Best movie review I’ve ever read. Ever.
    I literally just texted that sentence to my friend.

  125. I read this review while in the hospital waiting room waiting for hubby to finish with his vasectomy. I was laughing so hard that it was entirely inappropriate for a hospital waiting room. I felt obliged to leave due to my hysterics and missed the nurse calling me that my husband was all done. This review was so accurate it hurt, and the best reason I can imagine for needing to be paged in the hospital to pick up my vasectomied husband.

  126. this “review” on the Tarzan movie is perfect! Normally, I wouldn’t care one way or the other about a movie like this, but hey, listen(to the Creators of Tarzan), I am going to watch this movie because of the review I just read. She is funny. Not just bland funny, but pee your pants funny. I keep reading some of her lines and snorting with laughter. I sound like an idiot, but I don’t care, she is so funny. Please keep writing. You have a gift!

  127. Dh decided tonight once dd was in bed he was going to snuggle on the couch with his pregnant wife and watch Tarzan.
    Then I read him your review.

    Think he’s changed his mind!

  128. What is the “V”? Hey, I am old and don’t know this stuff but really want to see this movie sooon.

  129. I heard about this review here in sweden and how you “shamed yourself” and was so embarrassed so now I finally found it and read it myself!

    I laughed so much!!
    You are wonderful, it is so human and so funny, we have to have some self distance and laugh at ourselves sometimes.

    You are wonderful, if you ever come to sweden you I would love to buy you a coffee.

    Wonderful, dont care about the people whining or making fun of you.