Posted on September 14, 2015
The A to Z of sleep
A is for Anytime which is when I used to sleep
B is for Bullshit which is what I think about the sleep advice I’m given to keep
C is for Can you please stop giving me bullshit advice (I’ve heard everything, just stop it’s not nice)
D is for Death – I Googled “Can you die from sleep deprivation” and I seriously can’t believe I’ve done this twice
E is for Energy – Hi I have none!
F is for Fuck this shit I’m done
E is for shit did I already do E?
G is for God did you know that I’m an atheist who basically prays to every God there is every night so I can get some God damn sleep.
Shit that doesn’t rhyme with E.
H is for He doesn’t answer my prayers because literally four hours last night. Four hours. Broken. The baby was up for hours. Literally. Four hours in total.
I is for I need to sleep or I’ll go postal.
J is for JUST go to sleep. You do not need another bloody feed I just fed you seriously are you trying to suck the life out of me?
H is for How is it that they wake up so happy from having no sleep? I read a study once about someone who only needed two hours sleep and what if that’s my kid? What if I never sleep more than two hours again omg I can’t handle that OK I just can’t *grabs paper bag and breathes into it*
I is for wait, didn’t I already do I?
J oh we did J
K is for kip another name for something I’m not getting
L is for love because clearly we only put up with this fresh Hell for love I’m betting
M is for Mum – I’m the one who feeds you at night
N is for naps – that thing you resist with all of your might
O is for orgasm – I’m too tired go away
P is for penis – I’m serious, that’s what got me in this situation Okay?
Q is for quiet something I just really, really need
R is for rest what I want to be doing instead of giving you a feed
S is for shit the alphabet is long and I am really tired
T is for tired. Duh. Shit does it have to rhyme? Wired
U is for U NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. I can’t even spell because of you
V is Vampire – you stay up all night it’s true
W is for Why are you still awake?
X is for X ray (literally cannot thing of another word that starts with X) You know why? Because I’m fucking tired.
Y is for didn’t we already do Y? Y U No Sleep then.
Z is for I literally had to recite the whole alphabet just then to remember what comes after Y.
Now we know our ABC-forget I just Zzzzzzzzzzzz.