The A to Z of sleep

A is for Anytime which is when I used to sleep
B is for Bullshit which is what I think about the sleep advice I’m given to keep
C is for Can you please stop giving me bullshit advice (I’ve heard everything, just stop it’s not nice)
D is for Death – I Googled “Can you die from sleep deprivation” and I seriously can’t believe I’ve done this twice
E is for Energy – Hi I have none!
F is for Fuck this shit I’m done
E is for shit did I already do E?
G is for God did you know that I’m an atheist who basically prays to every God there is every night so I can get some God damn sleep.
Shit that doesn’t rhyme with E.
H is for He doesn’t answer my prayers because literally four hours last night. Four hours. Broken. The baby was up for hours. Literally. Four hours in total.
I is for I need to sleep or I’ll go postal.
J is for JUST go to sleep. You do not need another bloody feed I just fed you seriously are you trying to suck the life out of me?
H is for How is it that they wake up so happy from having no sleep? I read a study once about someone who only needed two hours sleep and what if that’s my kid? What if I never sleep more than two hours again omg I can’t handle that OK I just can’t *grabs paper bag and breathes into it*
I is for wait, didn’t I already do I?
J oh we did J
K is for kip another name for something I’m not getting
L is for love because clearly we only put up with this fresh Hell for love I’m betting
M is for Mum – I’m the one who feeds you at night
N is for naps – that thing you resist with all of your might
O is for orgasm – I’m too tired go away
P is for penis – I’m serious, that’s what got me in this situation Okay?
Q is for quiet something I just really, really need
R is for rest what I want to be doing instead of giving you a feed
S is for shit the alphabet is long and I am really tired
T is for tired. Duh. Shit does it have to rhyme? Wired
U is for U NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. I can’t even spell because of you
V is Vampire – you stay up all night it’s true
W is for Why are you still awake?
X is for X ray (literally cannot thing of another word that starts with X) You know why? Because I’m fucking tired.
Y is for didn’t we already do Y? Y U No Sleep then.
Z is for I literally had to recite the whole alphabet just then to remember what comes after Y.
Now we know our ABC-forget I just Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
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8 Comments on “The A to Z of sleep

  1. ” I can’t even spell because of you” 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Hope you get some more tonight! (Sleep, not letters of the alphabet.)

  2. 18 month old up for 2 hours last night. No idea why. Twelve weeks pregnant with number 2. Not sure what my plan is for surviving the next 18+ years.

  3. I’m feeling you. On about four hours broken too. Breeksie has a cold, I know this is why she’s up, doesn’t stop the teeth clenching rage quickly followed by momma guilt. Well done for getting to the end of the alphabet, i don’t think I could manage that today. There’s not enough coffee in the world right now. I too had a deeeeeeeeeeeelighted peerie breeks this morn, she was To see me. And as I looked at her delighted grin, grunting at her in response before scoping her up for a tired kiss, I considered that perhaps I have bred some form of super human, who thrives on four hours broken sleep a night? Yup. She’s a mother fucking super hero. That’s gotta be it, right? Right? *giggles hysterically, with wild eyes and hair before brewing more hell fire coffee.

  4. Haha thank you! God this is great reading. You are a genius- thank you for making me feel like a humanoid. I’m new to this parenting gig and so far is like the craziest fun ride at the amusement park- but without the safety harness. Just hang on for dear life and pray you get through this next upside down whirlybird shit. And then breathe and laugh afterwards like you had it all under control, and wasn’t that just the best experience ever! Let’s have another go…

  5. Feeling your pain. In our house it’s not the baby that’s the problem (that’s done it, all hell will break loose tonight!), instead it’s the toddler. ‘Stay with me mummy ‘ he implores, ‘Mummy, I need the loo’. Why does Daddy never get asked these important questions? Maybe it’s because he’ll sleep through everything.